Concrete over everything
Let's cruise
No one in the passenger seat
So I smoke all I want
Heart beating
Engine roaring
Nothing stopping me but the traffic
And there's always traffic
Life can't be that easy
So we wait in line
Patiently
Or get mistaken for crazy
Let's not go there
F*ck around and end up in the middle of nowhere
Only for the crazy ones
If you're not there already
You're not one
**Forgot to mention--Truly appreciate your time and feedback in advance!**
Posts: 1,568
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Joined: Jun 2011
Lots to like in this piece -- I'm instantly drawn in by the casual tone and some cracking lines like "nothing stopping me but the traffic/ and there's always traffic". In that stanza, you might rethink all the -ings, perhaps:
heart beats
engine roars
instead. Also, the final line leaves me a little flat. I thought maybe "if you're not there already/ you're on your way" or something.
But there are really good bones here, I look forward to seeing what you make out of it!
and welcome
It could be worse
Posts: 497
Threads: 83
Joined: Dec 2012
I wonder if F*ck is supposed to be read as FUCK.
and if so, why the bloody fuck not just type it, if you feel the need to need it?
but that is just me.
Thank you for the read.
cheers
serge
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
That's a good point. Nothing says fuck like fuck itself
It could be worse
Posts: 497
Threads: 83
Joined: Dec 2012
(04-02-2013, 04:18 PM)Leanne Wrote: That's a good point. Nothing says fuck like fuck itself
i recall a poem I fucking dig: Fucking a hi*ster.
I mean, ok (blushing here). the word: hi*ster IS a tad obscene.
cheers
and good morning to everyone.
;-)
totally fucked-up serge
sedmbloom: welcome.
you get i am just kidding-
and I like this anarchistic attitude a lot:
"No one in the passenger seat
So I smoke all I want"
:-)
Posts: 5,057
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i'm with serge, if you want to say fuck, don't say f*ck
i enjoyed it, it doesn't feel forced, wonder if a couple of small words could go, and in the third stanza, i read leanne's feedback as well and concur that getting rid of some ing words will help.
mainly nits, in general you have a solid poem that creates an good image of being alone in the car. L4 is excellent in relation to the poem, it's like a bit of james dean when mums not looking
the last stanza feels out of tune with the rest of the poem.
thanks for the read.
(04-02-2013, 03:51 PM)sedmbloom Wrote: Concrete over everything
Let's cruise
No one in the passenger seat
So I smoke all I want
Heart beating
Engine roaring
Nothing stopping me but the traffic
And there's always traffic
Life can't be that easy
So we wait in line
Patiently
Or get mistaken for crazy
Let's not go there
F*ck around and end up in the middle of nowhere
Only for the crazy ones
If you're not there already
You're not one
**Forgot to mention--Truly appreciate your time and feedback in advance!**
