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Cocoon
Together in loneliness, we shall pass the time.
An autumn of season, and state of mind.
Transfigure and tell me: How does it feel?
Is it all full of stitches, or blistering heal?
(I'm aware that L4 doesn't really work.)
FIRST EDIT
Together in loneliness we would pass the time.
A season of Autumn, and state of mind.
Arising from Orange, past White, into Green.
The spectrum of Colours; once a sight never seen.
Will you continue down this path or can you not deal?
maybe
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would
a season of autumn
work better?
i agree line 4 doesn't work well. i'm not sure the poem is coherent enough in the line above either.
are the comma's really needed in the 1st line?
(04-01-2013, 08:46 AM)Volaticus Wrote: Cocoon
Together in loneliness, we shall pass the time.
An autumn of season, and state of mind.
Transfigure and tell me: How does it feel?
Is it all full of stitches, or blistering heal?
(I'm aware that L4 doesn't really work.)
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
(04-01-2013, 09:39 AM)ZangetsuJSU Wrote: Will you continue down this path or can you not deal?
maybe
What do you mean?
(04-01-2013, 04:49 PM)billy Wrote: would
a season of autumn
work better?
i agree line 4 doesn't work well. i'm not sure the poem is coherent enough in the line above either.
are the comma's really needed in the 1st line?
(04-01-2013, 08:46 AM)Volaticus Wrote: Cocoon
Together in loneliness, we shall pass the time.
An autumn of season, and state of mind.
Transfigure and tell me: How does it feel?
Is it all full of stitches, or blistering heal?
(I'm aware that L4 doesn't really work.)
Just to make sure I understand.. "an autumn of season" is grammatically incorrect? I'll work on that, then. And remove the comma 
L4 needs to be totally rewritten and I'll try to make it more coherent with L3 as well. Thanks for commenting, it helps me a lot
I've revised the poem, and posted it. But I'm not sure if it is still as incoherent as the original?
IdiomsNCliches
Unregistered
Nicely done. I really enjoy line 3 a lot more in the edit even though line 4 sounded like the one you didn't like.
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Joined: Mar 2013
The edit is definitely better than the original. I think L4 rounds it up nicely, much better than the original.
Two things pull at me though:
- Is there a reason for capitalising the colours? Actually, I like it now I've thought about it a bit more :-P It emphasises the season being colours.
- Do you mean spectrum instead of specter?
This poem makes me think of how it's meant to be spring - except it's cold and raining. :-(
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
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Joined: Mar 2013
(04-02-2013, 02:18 PM)IdiomsNCliches Wrote: Nicely done. I really enjoy line 3 a lot more in the edit even though line 4 sounded like the one you didn't like.
Thanks a lot for your feedback
(04-02-2013, 07:58 PM)UnicornRainbowCake Wrote: The edit is definitely better than the original. I think L4 rounds it up nicely, much better than the original.
Two things pull at me though:
- Is there a reason for capitalising the colours? Actually, I like it now I've thought about it a bit more :-P It emphasises the season being colours.
- Do you mean spectrum instead of specter?
This poem makes me think of how it's meant to be spring - except it's cold and raining. :-(
Hi UnicornRainbowCake,
Firstly, thanks so much for commenting, I really appreciate it
As for your first question: I think you answered it yourself That was indeed my intention, by capitalising the colours.
And yes, I mean colour spectrum. I was unsure if I could use either "color spectre" or "color specter". After google'ing both, it seemed that "color specter" was a real phrase/expression. Am I mistaking?
And yeah, I know just what you mean. There's still snow here 
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I looked both up in the dictionary and spectre appears to be some sort of ghost or 'some object or source of terror or dread' :-P
The plural of spectrum is spectra, that would probably work, though there's only 1 colour spectrum...
Either way, it doesn't really detract from the overall atmosphere particularly.
I'm happier to read it now though, the sun has been out all afternoon, the snow's gone!
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
(04-03-2013, 02:06 AM)UnicornRainbowCake Wrote: I looked both up in the dictionary and spectre appears to be some sort of ghost or 'some object or source of terror or dread' :-P
The plural of spectrum is spectra, that would probably work, though there's only 1 colour spectrum...
Either way, it doesn't really detract from the overall atmosphere particularly.
I'm happier to read it now though, the sun has been out all afternoon, the snow's gone!
I know "spectre" is some kind of ghost. But I thought "specter" also meant "spectrum". But anyways, I think I'll go with spectrum.. Makes more sense, I think And again, thanks for the feedback, it helps me a lot
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