smjafrulhassan
Unregistered
Oh! mother
You are a sweet name.
Oh! mother
You are a sweet heart.
Oh! mother, you are
the life of baby.
Oh! mother,you are
My heart and hobby.
Oh! mother, you are
Always beauty and right.
Oh! mother,you are my
bright home light
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(03-24-2013, 03:09 PM)smjafrulhassan Wrote: Oh! mother
You are a sweet name.
Oh! mother
You are a sweet heart.
Oh! mother, you are
the life of baby.
Oh! mother,you are
My heart and hobby.
Oh! mother, you are
Always beauty and right.
Oh! mother,you are my
bright home light
Sorry, but this is just a childlike (not childish) eulogy. There is no poetry here. You have listed, with some difficulty, a series of adulatory statements. You found it difficult because once you have said "I love my mother" that really is about it.
Get off the teat and write something with the conviction that maturity brings. I am sure she is a wonderful woman (they nearly all are, except on the Jeremy Kyle Show) but this is just an emetic.
Again, apologies for the harshness but there us nothing of any merit in this....unless you think it's worthy to rhyme "are" with "are". I don't.
Best,
tectak
PS try reposting in novice where you will get help rather than crit. I only read this because it was languishing.
Posts: 36
Threads: 6
Joined: Feb 2013
OK the bad news here is that this is a bad poem. The good news is; you wrote it. There is no poet anywhere, at any time, that didn't write a bad poem. Poetry is hard but the hardness is a reward. Keep trying. Read poetry, practice poetry, keep writing even if it doesn't make any sense and even if you are the only one who likes it. Bit by bit it will get better. There are spots here in the blog that will help you.
http://pigpenpoetry.com/Forum-Poetry-Practice-Exercises
ThePoetStephen
Unregistered
Im sure your intention here was heart felt and emotional, all I need to know
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
it seems the poem is getting a bit of bad press,
list poems are fine when done well. (the linespacing doesn't really help with such short lines.
you don't really need any of the Oh! mothers. or Oh! mother you are. may of them near the end if you really want one.
because it's a list poem, particularly about a mother, you need to be original. the 1st line doesn't convey much, what is a sweet name? if we loved our mum, nora would be a sweet name wouldn't it.
instead of telling us she's a sweet heart, show us how or why she's a sweet heart; mum would love the poem as it is, because you wrote it, imagine how much she'd love it if she saw herself clearly in the poem?
(03-24-2013, 03:09 PM)smjafrulhassan Wrote: Oh! mother
You are a sweet name.
Oh! mother
You are a sweet heart.
Oh! mother, you are
the life of baby.
Oh! mother,you are
My heart and hobby.
Oh! mother, you are
Always beauty and right.
Oh! mother,you are my
bright home light
FragileHeart
Unregistered
I feel like the message you were trying to give out just wasn't expressed. Poetry is all about word choice. Use better adjectives and words that'll paint pictures in the reader's mind.
Posts: 68
Threads: 10
Joined: Mar 2013
I found this piece to be adorable. The style was different. I'm not sure if I liked the use of exclamation points. I think it inadvertently interrupts the rhythm of the piece. But other than that, the way you turned rhymes was delightful
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
I sensed the message in the poem, but didn't fully understand it. Maybe some stronger words and maybe a few extra words here and there, would bring out the message some more. In my humble opinion.
