I know it’s winter still

[neena2504]

Oh come on now!
How long do you want to hold
the scepter of the reasons, winter?
You’ve gotten old.
A ripened apple you’re, about to fall
But you’ve put all your might
to win this fight.
Just look at those kids,
don’t they look like caged birds?
Unable to flutter their golden wings,
under a golden sky.
Have you heard their bedtime prayers?
They want you prisoned in dungeons.
The trees are muttering too,
They miss their crowns of buds and blossoms
More than we do.
Now off you go to your slumber hole
and wake not till your turn comes next.
May you get eternal sleep
And it’s summer on the earth always.

---

Well, well well.... I understood. That was not my style either.
I am open to critic comments, please feel free to comment on it.

[milo]

Oh come on now!
How long do you want to hold
the scepter of the reasons, winter?
You’ve gotten old.
A ripened apple you’re, about to fall
But you’ve put all your might
to win this fight.
Just look at those kids,
don’t they look like caged birds?
Unable to flutter their golden wings,
under a golden sky.
Have you heard their bedtime prayers?
They want you prisoned in dungeons.
The trees are muttering too,
They miss their crowns of buds and blossoms
More than we do.
Now off you go to your slumber hole
and wake not till your turn comes next.
May you get eternal sleep
And it’s summer on the earth always.

---

Well, well well.... I understood. That was not my style either.
I am open to critic comments, please feel free to comment on it.

Oh how long do you want to hold
that golden scepter. Of the reasons
like over-ripened fruit, you're old
oh how long do you want? To hold
off on your prison prayers, your cold
fight can't belay the seasons
oh how long. Do you want to hold
that golden scepter of the reasons.

hmmm . . . .

too many disconnected images methinks

milo

[neena2504]

Thanks a million for your review Milo.
I have done a BIG typo here, it should be the scepter of the seasons and not the reasons...

I thought that the images were connected by the prevailing harsh cold but could you give me a hint why this connection does not work? This will help me greatly.

Oh come on now!
How long do you want to hold
the scepter of the seasons, winter?
You’ve gotten old.
A ripened apple you’re, about to fall
But you’ve put all your might
to win this fight.
Just look at those kids,
don’t they look like caged birds?
Unable to flutter their golden wings,
under a golden sky.
Have you heard their bedtime prayers?
They want you prisoned in dungeons.
The trees are muttering too,
They miss their crowns of buds and blossoms
More than we do.
Now off you go to your slumber hole
and wake not till your turn comes next.
May you get eternal sleep
And it’s summer on the earth always.

---

Well, well well.... I understood. That was not my style either.
I am open to critic comments, please feel free to comment on it.

Oh how long do you want to hold
that golden scepter. Of the reasons
like over-ripened fruit, you're old
oh how long do you want? To hold
off on your prison prayers, your cold
fight can't belay the seasons
oh how long. Do you want to hold
that golden scepter of the reasons.

hmmm . . . .

too many disconnected images methinks

milo

[milo]

Thanks a million for your review Milo.
I have done a BIG typo here, it should be the scepter of the seasons and not the reasons...

I thought that the images were connected by the prevailing harsh cold but could you give me a hint why this connection does not work? This will help me greatly.

Oh come on now!
How long do you want to hold
the scepter of the seasons, winter?
You’ve gotten old.
A ripened apple you’re, about to fall
But you’ve put all your might
to win this fight.
Just look at those kids,
don’t they look like caged birds?
Unable to flutter their golden wings,
under a golden sky.
Have you heard their bedtime prayers?
They want you prisoned in dungeons.
The trees are muttering too,
They miss their crowns of buds and blossoms
More than we do.
Now off you go to your slumber hole
and wake not till your turn comes next.
May you get eternal sleep
And it’s summer on the earth always.

---

Well, well well.... I understood. That was not my style either.
I am open to critic comments, please feel free to comment on it.

Oh how long do you want to hold
that golden scepter. Of the reasons
like over-ripened fruit, you're old
oh how long do you want? To hold
off on your prison prayers, your cold
fight can't belay the seasons
oh how long. Do you want to hold
that golden scepter of the reasons.

hmmm . . . .

too many disconnected images methinks

milo

I sometimes get lost in saying and forget to say, what I meant to portray is that you are (as many poets do) running to and fro with all these things (trees and crowns and kids and prisons, etc) and it would be a good idea to relax, take a good sharp image or idea you have in your head and really try to flesh it out. I thought I would grab a couple and see if it would make a nice triolet as an example for you, but I quickly became mired in all the "stuff".

Not to be taken as bad, it is good you are writing, i love that you are sharing, just maybe a little focus please.

milo

[neena2504]

Thanks again Milo,
I will keep your suggestions in mind.
I have posted two more poems, could you please comment on them as well? It would be a great help.
Here are the links:
http://pigpenpoetry.com/Thread-The-beautiful-lies
http://pigpenpoetry.com/Thread-When-He-created-you

[milo]

Thanks again Milo,
I will keep your suggestions in mind.
I have posted two more poems, could you please comment on them as well? It would be a great help.
Here are the links:
http://pigpenpoetry.com/Thread-The-beautiful-lies
http://pigpenpoetry.com/Thread-When-He-created-you

I can certainly give it a shot, I am not sure how much depth you want with the read though. A full deconstruction might seem a bit harsh for the gentle forums, did you want me to just offer a summary, a couple tips or rewrite them as sonnets?

milo

[neena2504]

Hi milo,
Thanks for your response. I don't mind harsh comments, they only help me to get better. I have not written any sonnets till now so I cannot decide on them. You can decide what will be best for me in this learning phase

[milo]

Hi milo,
Thanks for your response. I don't mind harsh comments, they only help me to get better. I have not written any sonnets till now so I cannot decide on them. You can decide what will be best for me in this learning phase

Ok, I took a stab at the first one. This is novice so I think we are safe chatting here without the mods bringing out the electric collars. If they see us, if they find us, just remember the code . . .

[neena2504]

Hi milo,
Thanks for your response. I don't mind harsh comments, they only help me to get better. I have not written any sonnets till now so I cannot decide on them. You can decide what will be best for me in this learning phase

Ok, I took a stab at the first one. This is novice so I think we are safe chatting here without the mods bringing out the electric collars. If they see us, if they find us, just remember the code . . .

sure...

[neena2504]

Haha! Your tone is amazing. I love this.

Hey
I haven't poured even an ounce of the anger I had within me, to tell you the truth....