What i have written so far.

[Goneau]

I'm just going to go ahead and copy my other writings in here just to see what I succeed at and what I am missing in my composition. Please let me know. After this I need to start cruising other posts

#1

Look at us,
we're so close
but how are we so far
even though we sit in this car
it feels like we're separated by miles,
lost in some foreign isles.
We find ourselves at a loss for words,
not because we're in awe
but because they've all been said
now, what we want to say
will never leave our head
we just let them brew,
make a nice thought stew,
and when they come pouring out,
we can never stop the clout,
of blunt thoughts full of emotion and meaning.
And when we're stuck cleaning
the aftermath of these strikes,
we blame it on stress
but on the inside know that was the best,
the release of raw honesty,
it's better than sex.


#2

When I sit in my bed
thinking these awful thoughts
it's like a ruckus in my head
like a thousand little robots.
But i'm trapped with them
after all they're mine
why not polish them,
and make them shine?
Simply put these awful thoughts could never shine,
they will fester, ferment and and smolder
as I sit here, just getting older.
Eating me alive,
slowly condemning my body,
turning it to something even I don't want to inhabit
but this body is mine, so why not make it too shine?
Because this body will never shine,
withering, left to rot and decay,
that's all it will do,
day after day after day.


#3

I look up at these bars
while pondering over my scars,
what if I had turned up dead?
We never would have bred,
I never would have hurt you
you never would have hurt me.
do I stay for these so few
moments of bliss
or is this just pissing right away from us.
Will we ever really know,
it's not like we'll ever just get up and go
no we'll stay right put, grit our teeth and think of paradise.

#4

These days
I feel our time wasting away
opening this cavity in my chest
withering what I call my best,
stealing my hopes
pilfering my dreams
and so it seems
as this distance between us grows nearer
I can't help but feeling inferior.[/b]

[allykat727]

Really good job. I liked how your first two pieces had rhythm like rap. I wonder, was that your intention? The third piece, although not at all bad, was my least favorite. But the fourth one was very cool and altogether different than the first three. In my opinion, it is the piece that I find to be the most sophisticated. I think the style of the first two pieces and fourth piece really work for you!

[Goneau]

Wow, thanks
and yeah that was kind of my intention, although my musical influences are mostly melodic hardcore and such, i find it much easier to write poems in that style haha. The fourth is my favorite too, it's short and sweet and kind of gets everything out, but still keeps a kind of privacy to it.

[rowens]

Mostly these just seem like loosely related lines piled one under the other. The rhymes don't work well. You should choose one of the poems to focus on, and see what suggestions you get.