Cages--Rewrite

[Pseudonym]

I went the wrong direction with this poem. Hopefully I am back on track.

Cages

My parents used to live by the zoo;
at dawn, they would awake to lions.
In the twilight they would enter—
through the exit.
They stole moments alone with the tangible silence, which
humans will not allow to last for long,
but animals can indefinitely rest in.

My parents used to live by the zoo;
at night, they would awake to screams:
another drive-by.

Another loss.

Those people had gotten out too late.
My parents wouldn't.

My parents live by the interstate.
Every summer, the house must be bleached:
too much soot.
There is no silence here:
there are cars and trains
and remorse so loud one can hardly sleep.

[tectak]

My parents used to live by the zoo;
at dawn, they would awake to lions.
In the twilight they would enter—
through the exit.
Silently, they stole moments alone with the gibbons,
while my brother laughed and watched.

My parents used to live by the zoo;
at night, they would awake to screams:
another drive-by.

Another loss.

Those people had gotten out too late.I suppose that we must tolerate the vernacular "gotten" but I hope you do not become fluent later...or I shall shout foul. Quote "As past participles of get, got and gotten both date back to Middle English. The form gotten is not used in British English but is very common in North American English, though even there it is often regarded as non-standard. In North American English, got and gotten are not identical in use.
My parents wouldn't.

My parents live by the interstate.
Every summer, the house must be bleached:
too much soot.
My mother compulsively rearranges furniture;
my father loses things.Though I do like the use of the colon and the semi colon in this stanza it ill becomes me to question why you used a colon end L1 and a semi colon end L2. So why did you?
Sometimes, we visit the zoo in the afternoon.
The animals are tired and thirsty;
so are we.

Hi pseud,
I don't know what to make of this. You punctuate with clinical precision and make clear all that you say...but what are you saying it for? Now, this is difficult for me to critique precisely because I find that I don't really want to know why you wrote it...to put it bluntly, I couldn't care less; and that is the real point. There is no bait on the hook. There is no hook. I could continue writing this poem for you:

Aunty Clara once took a hot water bottle on holiday.
The gibbons took one look at it
and ran away.
Aunt Clara never went on holiday again;
she cleans the furniture with her Dyson and drinks lots of tea.

See what I mean?

If there is any virtue to this piece it is that you took the time to write it and post it up for critique...but again, one must ask why? If there is a hidden message in there somewhere I can only apologise for not finding it. I am not reassured by the policeman who says " We have had to close the hotel because of a report of an explosive device on the premises...but don't worry, we can't find it".
Overall, you seem to have all the tools needed to make some fine pieces. I hope I can look forward with certainty to that. For me, you need to put a whole lot more imagery and INTEREST into the job.
Best,
tectak

[milo]

I went the wrong direction with this poem. Hopefully I am back on track.

Cages

My parents used to live by the zoo;
at dawn, they would awake to lions.

"awaken"
you could trim "used to"

you could strip the passive voice like so:

My parents lived by the zoo.
Lions woke them at dawn.

In the twilight they would enter—

there is a sudden unexplained temporal shift here.

through the exit.
They stole moments alone with the tangible silence, which

stolen moments is cliche. tangible silence is a "poetic construction" which you never bother validating with anything truly tangible.


humans will not allow to last for long,

the phrase "which humans will not allow to last for long" is very inefficient.

but animals can indefinitely rest in.

odd inversion here.
animals can rest in indefinitely


My parents used to live by the zoo;
at night, they would awake to screams:
another drive-by.

Another loss.

Those people had gotten out too late.

Technically they never got out, right?

My parents wouldn't.

"didn't"


My parents live by the interstate.
Every summer, the house must be bleached:
too much soot.
There is no silence here:
there are cars and trains
and remorse so loud one can hardly sleep.

"remorse so loud"

I like the feel of this, the ideas, the thread. Maybe work on some of the phrasing.

Thanks for sharing.

[justcloudy]

hi Pseudonym,

unlike tectak, I think I see what you're trying to do with this poem. you just need to be a bit clearer with your message. the poem leaves the reader with a feeling more than a thought, which is a start but it can be improved upon.

I think milo has definitely begun pointing this poem in a good direction, and I have a few things to add. "awake to lions" even as "awaken to lions" doesn't work for me. maybe you could choose the howls of baboons or something more interesting instead. also, I think in the second "my parents used to live by the zoo" you should make it clear that we've switched zoos by then (unless I misunderstood there).

the last stanza is my favorite, but the end doesn't work. it's quite nice as it is, so I'd just leave it and wrap up with a last stanza.

hope this helps. don't give up on this piece.


ps "gotten" is perfectly acceptable. I'm an English teacher and it's in even the British textbooks as American English.