Contrast

[softlyfalling]

Contrast

I
am pale as the moon
tinted with peonies.

You
are soft lunar eclipse,
a bright embrace of shadow
arousing the stars.

We
are limbs intertwining-
a tangle of branches,
paper birch and wild cherry,
that cast shadows on snow
even in the dark
Visible with eyes shut tight-

Love is blind.

[Todd]

Hi Amy,

I don't often say this, but I like your love poem. You even managed to sell the cliche at the end to me. Here are some comments:

Contrast

I
am pale as the moon
tinted with peonies.--again you flirt with cliche which is appropriate for love poems only to save the image with the peonies.

You
are soft lunar eclipse,
a bright embrace of shadow--bright is a good addition here especially given your title.
arousing the stars.

We--these strophe openings work well. I like the added length here as the joined couple has more substance
are limbs intertwining-
a tangle of branches,
paper birch and wild cherry,--lovely
that cast shadows on snow--how you have it is correct, but I still think I'd prefer seeing you shorten this line to simply "shadows on snow"
even in the dark
Visible with eyes shut tight---need some punctuation or the capitalization seems off

Love is blind.

Again no big nits. Much enjoyed.

Best,

Todd

[milo]

Contrast

I
am pale as the moon
tinted with peonies.

pale as the moon is cliche
tinted with peonies is nice.

You
are soft lunar eclipse,
a bright embrace of shadow
arousing the stars.

soft lunar eclipse is good.
bright embrace of shadow doesn't really work logically as it is very difficult to envision.


We
are limbs intertwining-
a tangle of branches,
paper birch and wild cherry,

this is a nice line

that cast shadows on snow
even in the dark
Visible with eyes shut tight-

Love is blind.

"cast shadows" "eyes shut tight" "love is blind" all very familiar.
the single word lines may work for others but not really for me.

thank you for sharing.

milo

[softlyfalling]

Thank you, Todd!
I am not in the habit of writing love poems, but frankly the cliches were deliberate, and a flirtation with a desire to take Hallmark and distort it, work as a pariah within its arena so to speak...
LOL
I will change the punctuation, as you are absolutely correct.

---

Thank you for reading and responding, Milo...
I always appreciate genuine emotional reactiveness such as this. However, your response does not invalidate my conception and expression of imagery and content, and I find it discourteous to state your opinion as such.
What I am saying is this....

"pale as the moon is cliche" did you consider that as possibly intentional? Did you consider the gestalt of imagery?
"tinted with peonies is nice." this is antipodal to your own statement about cliche, since the two lines form ONE image

"soft lunar eclipse is good." "good" is a moralizing adjective, are you certain that you are in a position to determine the worth of my words? Perhaps a more personalized statement of this thought would be more appropriate.

"bright embrace of shadow doesn't really work logically as it is very difficult to envision." the poem is about an interracial romance and this image is a conscious expression of the contrasts inherent in this. I did not intend to create a visual, the image is philosophical, abstract and theoretical.

the last statement you make about offset lines is, indeed, personal...I appreciate that you qualified your remark as a reaction as such.

[milo]

Thank you, Todd!
I am not in the habit of writing love poems, but frankly the cliches were deliberate, and a flirtation with a desire to take Hallmark and distort it, work as a pariah within its arena so to speak...
LOL
I will change the punctuation, as you are absolutely correct.

---

Thank you for reading and responding, Milo...
I always appreciate genuine emotional reactiveness such as this. However, your response does not invalidate my conception and expression of imagery and content, and I find it discourteous to state your opinion as such.
What I am saying is this....

Please do not take my observations personally, they are the observations of a reader. I, of course, mean no discourtesy. There is no emotional "reactiveness" at all.

"pale as the moon is cliche" did you consider that as possibly intentional? Did you consider the gestalt of imagery?
"tinted with peonies is nice." this is antipodal to your own statement about cliche, since the two lines form ONE image


It is just an observation. If you like the cliche, if it works for you, then do as you will with it. It is still a cliche.

"soft lunar eclipse is good." "good" is a moralizing adjective, are you certain that you are in a position to determine the worth of my words? Perhaps a more personalized statement of this thought would be more appropriate.

Hrrm. good could be moralizing or an observation of relative quality. If someone says they had a good breakfast, I wouldn't assume they had communion?


"bright embrace of shadow doesn't really work logically as it is very difficult to envision." the poem is about an interracial romance and this image is a conscious expression of the contrasts inherent in this. I did not intend to create a visual, the image is philosophical, abstract and theoretical.

I am glad it is working for you, it doesn't work for me.

the last statement you make about offset lines is, indeed, personal...I appreciate that you qualified your remark as a reaction as such.

normally it would be assumed.

[tectak]

Contrast

I
am pale as the moon
tinted with peonies.

You
are soft lunar eclipse,
a bright embrace of shadow
arousing the stars.

We
are limbs intertwining-
a tangle of branches,
paper birch and wild cherry,
that cast shadows on snow
even in the dark
Visible with eyes shut tight-

Love is blind.

Hello softly,
This is just bordering on terse-verse. It is possibly shorter than you or I would have liked...but you say a lot in a few verses. More than the terseness, I am aware that you are committed to the end line. I like the way you dd not deviate and that you kept your intent just visble but not distractingly so.
Though the message is simple it is leaning towards the metaphysical. After the first stanza you avoid similes ( displaced, but pale AS the moon) in favour of strong metaphorical statements...you are ( not you are like ). So my first suggestion is to improve the consistency by changing the first stanza:
"I
am the moon,
pale and tinted
with peonies. "
I have added punctuation. That is for me, but this is my crit so that's OK.
Second stanza, likewise:
You
are the soft lunar eclipse,
a bright embrace of shadow,
arousing the stars.

The last stanza can take a break because it is a summation, an amalgam of what has gone before. It is the conclusion...the commitment.

We
are limbs intertwining.
A tangle of branches,
paper birch and wild cherry,
that cast shadows on snow:
visible in the dark,
even with eyes shut tight.

Love is blind.

I read this OUT LOUD to get the pauses. I read it as I saw it. It was a good experience, but it was my experience.
Overall, you have painted a Chinese willow-pattern garden in winter, two lovers doing what lovers do; and it works, the "me you us" form... BUT a lover would put his love first. So, I would change round stanzas 1 and 2.
Be careful of the creeping cliche...they spring out when not expected whenever a poet tries to be poetic. This I know.
Best,
tectak