Counter Point

[NakedBear]

Last revision:

Puma

Ranks broken,
the deciduous force fails
in the face of marching evergreens,
while the stream that cowers at their feet
will serve victor and loser alike.
Yet the stream, too, is sure to die,
though at the hot hand of the sun,
not by strangling root.
As the rabbit is eaten by crueller things
I’m eaten from within by hungry Age,
and will soon lie still
at a cold conqueror's foot.


Revision the second:

Puma

Ranks broken,
the deciduous force fails
in the face of marching evergreens,
while the stream that cowers at their feet
will serve victor and loser alike.
Yet the stream, too, is sure to die,
though at the hot hand of the sun,
not by strangling root.
As rabbits are eaten by crueller things
I’m eaten from within by hungry Age,
and will soon lie still
at a cold conqueror's foot.

Revision the first:

Puma

Ranks broken,
the deciduous force fails
in the face of marching evergreens,
while the stream that cowers at their feet
will serve victor and loser alike.
Yet the stream too is sure to die,
though at the hands of the sun,
not by strangling root.
And as rabbits are eaten by crueller things
I’m eaten from within by hungry Age,
and will soon lie still
at conquering coniferous root.

Original:

Forest stands with forest
in opposition, always.
Winter-bearers or keepers-green:
whose stance will be the firmest,
prevailing through the killing days?
Answer not, you cowered stream,
content to service both.
What is it that you hope to gain?
You are doomed by sun to die,
where once your source brought growth.
That’ll be your fitting shame,
to die while pleading mercy of the sky.

To pity moved, my heart is not,
by ceasing flow and tumbled tree,
nor by screaming rabbit.
For all things do go down to rot,
and thereby finally are set free.
Or so I think as here I sit,
awaiting doom now closely brought.
Though rivalled not amidst the trees,
my power finds its counter now;
for this potent cat is finally caught,
by the grasping hands of Time.

[tectak]

Forest stands with forest
in opposition, always.Overall, a very bland opener. It sounds more than it is. In fact, I am not really sure what it is
Winter-bearers or keepers-green:
whose stance will be the firmest,
prevailing through the killing days?Like WB's and KG's...but deciduous and evergreen?Do these need to be made cryptic...especially by cheap hyphenating? Killing days is bull's eye cliche. I should know. I've used it too often myself.
Answer not, you cowered stream,Why cowered? It is pretty obscure anyway but even stretching the meaning in all directions I cannot get it to describe a stream. Help
content to service both.The "both" is too far away from the objects referring. I have almost forgotten the trees. I do like "service" though. It has a kind of MOT feel to it. Mend Our Trees, maybe. (To me.Oh do stop it!)
What is it that you hope to gain? A very good question...and the answer is? Rhetorical questions like this, even when the next few lines DO describe adequately the inevitable demise of the stream, leave this reader a little cheated . This is because rhetorical questions actually DO need an answer, but the device is made to work when the reader has to work it out. To be fair, I cannot see what else you could do to get this little train of thought in play; though prohibiting an answer ( Answer not..) before asking the question, does make the rhetorical question tautologically redundant. Maybe just express the certainty of evaporation by counterpoint. i.e. "Answer not you cowered (?) stream, content to service both. For you are doomed by sun to die, where once your...."
You are doomed by sun to die,
where once your source brought growth.
That’ll be your fitting shame,
to die while pleading mercy of the sky.Here it comes. Look, do you want this to rhyme a)Sometimes? b) All the time? c) Never? d) Only on Tuesdays. Make your mind up because at the moment it is Saturday.

To pity moved, my heart is not,Inverse Yoda with a touch of middle-english Shakesperian aspiration. Quite dreadful...and totally unnecessary. You can clean this up yourself.
by ceasing flow and tumbled tree,
nor by screaming rabbit.I understand this! I understand this! but the NOR is not given the necessary negative options. Where is the NEITHER.?
For all things do go down to rot,
and thereby finally are set free.
Or so I think as here I sit,No...please...not "Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits"
awaiting doom now closely brought.
Though rivalled not amidst the trees,
my power finds its counter now;
for this potent cat is finally caught,
by the grasping hands of Time.The last stanza is over-wordy and packed with idiosyncratic turns of phrase. ...all things do go down...thereby finally are....doom now closely brought...though rivalled not...to end in the cat-clawed cliche, hands of time. You need to decide what century you are in...and stay in it for the duration of your poem.

There is no "overall" comment from me. In spite of the crit, the concept is good, if a little over-dramatised for what is in essence, a very small thought. Don't get me wrong, that is often (if not always) the beauty of poetry...expansionism. The ability to make something out of very little...a universal dogma!
A few edits to go but this will stand up.
Best,
tectak

[NakedBear]

Good day, tectak.

I appreciate your time and thoughts, and hope to return a revision with fewer failings than the original. Maybe it won't suck, although I can't promise that much. Haha.

Oh, I'm curious about the "Mend Our Trees" quip. What am I missing?

Mikey.

[Bloggsworth]

It's an oxymoron.

Forest stands against forest
in opposition, always.

[tectak]

Good day, tectak.

I appreciate your time and thoughts, and hope to return a revision with fewer failings than the original. Maybe it won't suck, although I can't promise that much. Haha.

Oh, I'm curious about the "Mend Our Trees" quip. What am I missing?

Mikey.

Ah....you must be across the moat. MOT stands for Ministry Of Transport. It is a legal requirement that all cars not nicked have an MOT certificate to ensure roadworthiness. This usually involves getting your car "serviced" prior to the MOT test...again, this does not apply to stolen vehicles which do not require an MOT certificate as they do not require insurance either. Wish you had never asked? Well,you are none the wiser but you are better informed.
Foreward looking to the edit I am,greatly.
Best,
tectak
Your poem did not suck.

[NakedBear]

Ah....you must be across the moat. MOT stands for Ministry Of Transport. It is a legal requirement that all cars not nicked have an MOT certificate to ensure roadworthiness. This usually involves getting your car "serviced" prior to the MOT test...again, this does not apply to stolen vehicles which do not require an MOT certificate as they do not require insurance either. Wish you had never asked? Well,you are none the wiser but you are better informed.

I'm Canadian and will take what I can get!

Your poem did not suck.

You, sir, are a gentleman.

Hopefully this is an improvement.

Puma

Ranks broken,
the deciduous force fails
in the face of marching evergreens,
while the stream that cowers at their feet
will serve victor and loser alike.
Yet the stream too is sure to die,
though at the hands of the sun,
not by strangling root.
And as rabbits are eaten by crueller things
I’m eaten from within by hungry Age,
and will soon lie still
at conquering coniferous root.


I've dropped the rhyme scheme and halved the length. Most of the same images in my head, in the same order.

Mikey.

[cidermaid]

Hi Mikey,
Just wanted to offer my encouragement and appreciation for how you have taken the crit in a positive way and to say I think the edit is a huge improvement.
AJ

[tectak]

Ah....you must be across the moat. MOT stands for Ministry Of Transport. It is a legal requirement that all cars not nicked have an MOT certificate to ensure roadworthiness. This usually involves getting your car "serviced" prior to the MOT test...again, this does not apply to stolen vehicles which do not require an MOT certificate as they do not require insurance either. Wish you had never asked? Well,you are none the wiser but you are better informed.

I'm Canadian and will take what I can get!

Your poem did not suck.

You, sir, are a gentleman.

Hopefully this is an improvement.

Puma

Ranks broken,
the deciduous force fails
in the face of marching evergreens,
while the stream that cowers at their feet ...that cowers underfoot. You will see why this is suggested below
will serve victor and loser alike.
Yet the stream too is sure to die, not sure you need "too" but if you do you need commas, two.
though at the hands of the sun,though by the hot hand of the sun?
not by strangling root. thirsting/sucking/drawing root? Strangling seems odd. May be me
And as rabbits are eaten by crueller things No need for "And"
I’m eaten from within by hungry Age,
and will soon lie still
at conquering coniferous root. See end note


I've dropped the rhyme scheme and halved the length. Most of the same images in my head, in the same order.

Mikey.

Holy cadwallader...a poem!
Bloody great edit...have you just eaten something?
Just one more nit...last line." beside the cold conqueror's feet" is enough. Enough is always just right. More than enough is too much...but you did have two roots. I just thought hot hand of sun and cold feet of tree went well. Your poem.
Best,
See, it no suck!
tectak

[newsclippings]

My goodness. I don't think I've ever seen an improvement like this in my life. Nice job Naked

[Todd]

Just read through this...nice edit.

Really well done!

[NakedBear]

Puma

Ranks broken,
the deciduous force fails
in the face of marching evergreens,
while the stream that cowers at their feet ...that cowers underfoot. You will see why this is suggested below
will serve victor and loser alike.
Yet the stream too is sure to die, not sure you need "too" but if you do you need commas, two.
though at the hands of the sun,though by the hot hand of the sun?
not by strangling root. thirsting/sucking/drawing root? Strangling seems odd. May be me
And as rabbits are eaten by crueller things No need for "And"
I’m eaten from within by hungry Age,
and will soon lie still
at conquering coniferous root. See end note

Holy cadwallader...a poem!
Bloody great edit...have you just eaten something?

I ate a boot to the teeth, and spat out a poem. An unexpected turn.

Just one more nit...last line." beside the cold conqueror's feet" is enough. Enough is always just right. More than enough is too much...but you did have two roots. I just thought hot hand of sun and cold feet of tree went well. Your poem.
Best,
See, it no suck!
tectak

No suck! I'm relieved, I admit.

I've kept the 'too'. I've also kept the 'strangling' because I see a root as something that kills by strangling. Admitedly I don't see roots strangling streams, so much, but then again this poem doesn't need them to. L4 remains the same, but I see how you were aiming to fix the double 'root', and so derived my solution from that. The last line takes the 'cold' in addition to a few other changes.

So, here's the current version. Thoughts?


Puma

Ranks broken,
the deciduous force fails
in the face of marching evergreens,
while the stream that cowers at their feet
will serve victor and loser alike.
Yet the stream, too, is sure to die,
though at the hot hand of the sun,
not by strangling root.
As rabbits are eaten by crueller things
I’m eaten from within by hungry Age,
and will soon lie still
at a cold conqueror's foot.

I'm really glad you gave me an honest critique, by the way.

Thanks.

Mikey.

---

Thank you everyone who took the time to post feedback so far. The more opinions I can get, the better.

Mikey.

[tectak]

Puma

Ranks broken,
the deciduous force fails
in the face of marching evergreens,
while the stream that cowers at their feet ...that cowers underfoot. You will see why this is suggested below
will serve victor and loser alike.
Yet the stream too is sure to die, not sure you need "too" but if you do you need commas, two.
though at the hands of the sun,though by the hot hand of the sun?
not by strangling root. thirsting/sucking/drawing root? Strangling seems odd. May be me
And as rabbits are eaten by crueller things No need for "And"
I’m eaten from within by hungry Age,
and will soon lie still
at conquering coniferous root. See end note

Holy cadwallader...a poem!
Bloody great edit...have you just eaten something?

I ate a boot to the teeth, and spat out a poem. An unexpected turn.

Just one more nit...last line." beside the cold conqueror's feet" is enough. Enough is always just right. More than enough is too much...but you did have two roots. I just thought hot hand of sun and cold feet of tree went well. Your poem.
Best,
See, it no suck!
tectak

No suck! I'm relieved, I admit.

I've kept the 'too'. I've also kept the 'strangling' because I see a root as something that kills by strangling. Admitedly I don't see roots strangling streams, so much, but then again this poem doesn't need them to. L4 remains the same, but I see how you were aiming to fix the double 'root', and so derived my solution from that. The last line takes the 'cold' in addition to a few other changes.

So, here's the current version. Thoughts?


Puma

Ranks broken,
the deciduous force fails
in the face of marching evergreens,
while the stream that cowers at their feet
will serve victor and loser alike.
Yet the stream, too, is sure to die,
though at the hot hand of the sun,
not by strangling root.not by the strangling root
As rabbits are eaten by crueller things As the rabbit is eaten by crueller things...to keep the comparison balanced. "The rabbit" is acceptably generic
I’m eaten from within by hungry Age,
and will soon lie still
at a cold conqueror's foot.

I'm really glad you gave me an honest critique, by the way.

Thanks.

Mikey.

---

Thank you everyone who took the time to post feedback so far. The more opinions I can get, the better.

Mikey.

It is excellent.
Footnote: You foot solution works well.
Best,
tectak