last call

[Lightbaron]

i'm ailing mama
forgive me
if i double my dosage

pretty don't last
as long as rent does
and the bars about to close

the jukebox has only one tune
left unheard
and i stabbed a man dead
for his coin
stuck him slow
and sure
listening
as his breath leaked itself out
til sleep
my old man said there were sounds
that could make a man not sleep right
the last song is about to go on

leave me in this five minutes mama
to cry alone and smile

when they come round
in the morning for me
know it was the pretty
that lead your child

[tectak]

You will excuse me, I hope, if I do not dispense my usual dose of preventative medicine and suggest that you take as much punctuation as possible into your system. You are depleted. It may not help immediately but over time you will notice an improvement. No, I won't mention it.

i'm ailing mama
forgive me
if i double my dosage A terse and telling start. I am not yet over the typos, capital I, but still like this opening stanza.
pretty don't last 1st person narrative is a scene/era/location/culture setter....... If you carry it through to the end. Many do not.
as long as rent does
and the bars about to close This flows well and no words are wasted. I like the consequentiality of the "and" in the last line. It reeks of authenticity.

the jukebox has only one tune
left unheard
and i stabbed a man dead....but don't do it too often or it reeks of unoriginality
for his coin
stuck him slow
and sure
listening
as his breath leaked itself out
til sleep Very well set up stanza. This is a cameo event which is coldly underplayed. It is better for its clinicality. Excellent.
my old man said there were sounds
that could make a man not sleep right
the last song is about to go on Only a slight shudder with these three lines in that they do rather teleport the reader. Again, I think you get away with the jump, just, because it is in character. In a very short poem it is not easy to establish traits. It is better to introduce a few specific catalysts and let the reaction occur in the mind of the reader. I think you have succeeded.

leave me in this five minutes mama
to cry alone and smile

when they come round
in the morning for me
know it was the pretty
that lead your child All is not well in the end. Lead or led? I will not mention the lack of punctuation.

This appealed to me.....and that interfered with my judgement......but in my judgement this is a fine piece. It may be that you write without stopping to consider anything but the transportation of thought to paper, and I envy this ability. My remarks (unmade) on punctuation may cause you to have second thoughts on your style but all is opinion.
Best,
tectak

[brandontoh]

Wow, this poem is really good! The biggest weakness is, as tectak didn't mention, the lack of punctuation. The lines go so well, and while reading it I can totally see the event happening. The first stanza, in my opinion, is pure gold. The feeling of anxiousness and maybe even desperation is shown very succinctly. The second stanza, however, feels weaker, mainly because of the lack of punctuation. A few strategically placed commas will serve to intensify the feeling that the reader gets. For example, the reader will get a different message from "stuck it slow" had it been "stuck. It. Slow" instead. I like how you separate the lines of the second stanza, which actually sort of overrides the lack of punctuation, since the lines spread the pauses out well. The last two stanzas are really beautifully done, too. All in all, I really liked this poem.

[Todd]

Hi Lightbaron, I like the dialect. I believe the speaker you've established. My only real issue with the poem is the non-capitalized i's. Whenever I see these they feel self conscious to me. They draw attention to themselves. There are times when they work, but for the most part they signal to the reader that they are reading something, and they hinder the ability to be lost in the poem. This is a nice poem so that's a shame. It's like in prose when fiction writers go with he interjected, she questioned, he screamed...when 99% of the time they should use he said, she said because it blends into the background.

Best,

Todd

[Lightbaron]

Tectak, Todd, Brandon:
I thank you all for reading and commenting.
I am aware of the punctuation issues. I have drafted this with the breaks and groupings of punctuation, but it wasn't completely or correctly resolved, so i abandoned it all together...just laziness, and it appears i can't sneak it through. Again, i thank you for the notes, i will clean this up when i got more time.
Oh Todd, as soon as you mentioned it, i agree that the lower case "i's" do dangle out there awkward and self aware...I'll be sure to clean that up as well