Addiction

[danipecci]

Hi, I've written a poem in syllabic verse and wondered how I could make it better. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you.

Addiction
 
You are my sordid, perfect secret,
You are my hero, my heroin;
I crave you more than a thousand pills;
Your body against mine-ecstasy,
Like the needle that pierces my skin;
Coke me up baby, then let me down.
Let me get high on this endless lust,
Love is for others, we cannot be.
I try to hallucinate a life
Of pure, wholesome domesticity;
But you see, those dreams are too fleeting;
Reality aches like the morning,
Of blue bruises and shadows of joy;
Would legality crush our passion?
We thrive on the rush that floods our veins,
Forbidden alleys that deal deceit;
No one has guessed and no one can know;
You and me and Charlie rule this world.
You are my snow fall, my knight gone wrong;
I am on a pathway to the sky;
Tell me you love me and I might die.

[Keith]

Hi, I've written a poem in syllabic verse and wondered how I could make it better. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you.

Addiction
 
You are my sordid, perfect secret, do you need You are the my tells itYou are my hero, my heroin; same here
I crave you more than a thousand pills; could try to shorten this to smooth it out
Your body against mine-ecstasy, against feels clunky could be bodies burnt by ecstacy or something like that
Like the needle that pierces my skin;
Coke me up baby, then let me down. Coke me up sounds corny to me
Let me get high on this endless lust,
Love is for others, we cannot be. I really like this lineI try to hallucinate a life
Of pure, wholesome domesticity;
But you see, those dreams are too fleeting;
Reality aches like the morning,
Of blue bruises and shadows of joy;
Would legality crush our passion?
We thrive on the rush that floods our veins, nice image
Forbidden alleys that deal deceit; and again
No one has guessed and no one can know;
You and me and Charlie rule this world. not sure this line is needed
You are my snow fall, my knight gone wrong;this tells it
I am on a pathway to the sky;
Tell me you love me and I might die. nice end line

This has a solid base and is a good poem and with a little work could be a great one, what I've written is just my opinion and I have to do lots of work to most of my own posts so take from it what you want and ditch the rest. Hope it helps

Sorry, also ment to say 9 feels too long as some of the lines are padded out with filling to reach the count so when I suggested shorter lines thats what I ment, reduce the count. Hope thats clear
TOMH

[danipecci]

Hi, I've written a poem in syllabic verse and wondered how I could make it better. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you.

Addiction
 
You are my sordid, perfect secret, do you need You are the my tells itYou are my hero, my heroin; same here
I crave you more than a thousand pills; could try to shorten this to smooth it out
Your body against mine-ecstasy, against feels clunky could be bodies burnt by ecstacy or something like that
Like the needle that pierces my skin;
Coke me up baby, then let me down. Coke me up sounds corny to me
Let me get high on this endless lust,
Love is for others, we cannot be. I really like this lineI try to hallucinate a life
Of pure, wholesome domesticity;
But you see, those dreams are too fleeting;
Reality aches like the morning,
Of blue bruises and shadows of joy;
Would legality crush our passion?
We thrive on the rush that floods our veins, nice image
Forbidden alleys that deal deceit; and again
No one has guessed and no one can know;
You and me and Charlie rule this world. not sure this line is needed
You are my snow fall, my knight gone wrong;this tells it
I am on a pathway to the sky;
Tell me you love me and I might die. nice end line

This has a solid base and is a good poem and with a little work could be a great one, what I've written is just my opinion and I have to do lots of work to most of my own posts so take from it what you want and ditch the rest. Hope it helps

Sorry, also ment to say 9 feels too long as some of the lines are padded out with filling to reach the count so when I suggested shorter lines thats what I ment, reduce the count. Hope thats clear
TOMH

Hi, thanks for this feedback. I really appreciate it. I will defo change the first two lines and look to getting the 9 down as I agree, it does feel quite long. Thanks for your comments

[billy]

hi danipecci. the syl count is spot on but it has a bit of baggage in places.
good to see you have an aim. one good thing is that it isn't rhyming, it means you can remove and edit without think of the end rhymes.

Hi, I've written a poem in syllabic verse and wondered how I could make it better. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you.

Addiction
 
You are my sordid, perfect secret, a suggestion to replace 'you are';[my sordid, perfectly kept secret] though perfect and perfectly kept are both redundant if you think about it
You are my hero, my heroin; again you could add something stronger than 'you are'
I crave you more than a thousand pills; it's beginning to get run of the mill, it needs some depth. 'i crave' you in an addiction poem is a waste of words. it's what the poems about, addiction poems can be really hard to be original
Your body against mine-ecstasy, again it's too obvious.
Like the needle that pierces my skin;
Coke me up baby, then let me down.
Let me get high on this endless lust,
Love is for others, we cannot be.
I try to hallucinate a life
Of pure, wholesome domesticity;
But you see, those dreams are too fleeting;
Reality aches like the morning,
Of blue bruises and shadows of joy;
Would legality crush our passion? i like the questioning of this line
We thrive on the rush that floods our veins,
Forbidden alleys that deal deceit;
No one has guessed and no one can know;
You and me and Charlie rule this world.
You are my snow fall, my knight gone wrong;
I am on a pathway to the sky;
Tell me you love me and I might die.

crave, ecstasy, coke, needle, high, hallucinate, rush, veins, are all too commonly associated with addiction. Charlie is also a common euphamism for coke but in the instance used it works okay as does snow in snow fall.
try and be more subtle or more in you're face.


you dissolve me, clog me up, and peel me
a banana skin on the yellow floor of coward
you leave me fucked in and out, coco
the smashed in clown
drowning, gasping for your transient touch
and still i want to smell your numbing pain
a sad-happy ebb and endless fucked up flow

while it's not the best write in the world, with an edit or two it could become an addiction poem. yours is the same. at present you need to tone down the drug phraseology and up the image quality

thanks for the read

[serge gurkski]

I find this exquisite maybe because I know what the poet is talking about.
Yes, one could shorten it.
I am with TomH on the you and me Charlie line.
On the other hand I do love:
Coke me up, baby, then let me down.
Yes!

I must think more about: would legality crush our passion?

hm? Tricky. I tend to say: yes, it would.

fine poem. enjoyed to read. thank you and cheers
serge

[Pete Ak]

 
You are my sordid, perfect secret,
I'm bothered by the two adjectives, think you could lose 'perfect'.

You are my hero, my heroin;
The absence of an 'e' at the end of heroin identifies clearly what could have been presented in a kind of riddle form... I'm glad you didn't because it's a tired joke but in coming clean on this (forgive the pun) I think there would be more clarity and drama if the line was something like: 'heroin, you are my hero'

I crave you more than a thousand pills;
I'm not sure about this either. "... more than" doesn't help me much if I don't have any way of understanding what it's like to crave 1000 pills. (I also wonder if a specific name would be better than 'pills.'

Your body against mine-ecstasy,
Like the needle that pierces my skin;
Coke me up baby, then let me down.
Let me get high on this endless lust,
Love is for others, we cannot be.
I try to hallucinate a life
"Try to" feels superfluous and I wonder if 'hallucinate' is the correct word even tho it's associated with some drug taking. 'Imagine' would perhaps be worth thinking about.

Of pure, wholesome domesticity;
But you see, those dreams are too fleeting;
Reality aches like the morning,
But my mornings don't ache! I get the 'reality aches' but feel a better simile is needed here.

Of blue bruises and shadows of joy;
Would legality crush our passion?
I get the feel of an important question but it's lost here, left alone without an answer.

We thrive on the rush that floods our veins,
Forbidden alleys that deal deceit;
I like these two lines even though the way it's written reads as if you thrive on the rush AND the 'forbidden alleys' - maybe to say 'floods our veins IN those forbidden alleys...' is an option, up to you.

No one has guessed and no one can know;
You and me and Charlie rule this world.
You are my snow fall, my knight gone wrong;
I am on a pathway to the sky;
Tell me you love me and I might die.

I like the end - wonder if the rhyme is deliberate as it may be a little distracting.
Overall I enjoyed the feel and appreciate where you're going with this.