First effort for the serious board

[only rob]

Dancing With Myself II




Absent interaction, love's deft touch
I paint myself across the night
pelvis, charming the stars
Glad bedlam of limbs

all akimbo, a circle aswirl
to mimic Luna, all bare feet
dancing in emerging dew
ten pink flowers
seducing the earth with
secret rhythims

not gay, but gay
despite Walt’s apt description
of my electric body, my
glorious intercourse with
be-ing, my
happy affront to some assumed
definition of decency
my farmer’s elation at the touch
of living soil

It is not moot that I dance alone
naked
that such frolic, not observed
by any prying eye
serves to make my peace
as if this dervish flees
the machinery of day
to warm obsidian night

and so preclude society's whim
that I wax jovial in my suit
of slippery skin
that I begin to express
the simplest sort of joy
free, free, free
of the nefarious concept
of sin

[marc]

Rob . . . Once again I find myself flowing like an abandoned bloody leaf down/through the clear river that is your mind.

Marc

[Leanne]

Welcome to serious critique, Rob This poem manages a sense of abandon and deep connection at the same time, quite a feat. Sin has always been a puzzlement to me -- who knows what's going to offend God this week? It varies according to the convenience of His mouthpiece du jour. To me your dance is a prayer more valid than those prescribed by rigidly outdated moral codes. I really enjoyed this, thanks for posting.

Dancing With Myself II


Absent interaction, loves deft touch -- should this be love's? Or if it's "absent interaction loves", then the comma should come out
I paint myself across the night
pelvis, charming the stars
Glad bedlam of limbs -- nice line! There's some great assonance and alliteration in this stanza

all akimbo, all swirling circles -- I'm not sure that "all" warrants repetition, it's not a strong word, especially as it turns up in the next line also -- what would you think of "all akimbo, circles aswirl"?
to mimic Luna, all bare feet
dancing in emerging dew
ten pink flowers -- you must have delicate tootsies Really nice metaphor
seducing the earth with
secret rhythms

not gay, but gay
despite Walt’s apt description -- perfect intertext
of my electric body, my
glorious intercourse with
be-ing, my -- excellent line breaks in L4 & 5
happy affront to some assumed
definition of decency
my farmer’s elation at the touch
of living soil -- this brings us back down to earth, or rather, it lifts the earth to the same level as the celestial

It is not moot that I dance alone
naked
that such frolic, not observed
by any prying eye
serves to make my peace
as if this dervish flees
the machinery of day
to warm obsidian night -- spectacular piece of introspection

and so preclude societies whim -- society's?
that I wax jovial in my suit
of slippery skin -- the near rhyme of whim/skin sounds lovely
that I begin to express -- instead of "that I", perhaps you would just try "and", to avoid repetitions that aren't reinforcing anything
the simplest sort of joy
free, free, free
of the very concept -- I would love to see a more concrete adjective than "very" here
of sin

[Aish]

Dancing With Myself II




Absent interaction, loves deft touch
I paint myself across the night This is a gorgeous line - it could be your opener.
pelvis, charming the stars
Glad bedlam of limbs

all akimbo, all swirling circles I like the repetition of 'all' in this line, it serves to establish a dancing beat
to mimic Luna, all bare feet Here, 'all' is droning.
dancing in emerging dew
ten pink flowers
seducing the earth with
secret rhythims rhythims = rhythms

not gay, but gay
despite Walt’s apt description
of my electric body, my
glorious intercourse with
be-ing, my
happy affront to some assumed
definition of decency
my farmer’s elation at the touch
of living soil

It is not moot that I dance alone
naked
that such frolic, not observed
by any prying eye
serves to make my peace
as if this dervish flees
the machinery of day
to warm obsidian night

and so preclude societies whim
that I wax jovial in my suit
of slippery skin 'suit of slippery skin' is wonderful.
that I begin to express
the simplest sort of joy
free, free, free
of the very concept
of sin Adore the last two lines, although 'very' could be replaced. Funny how naked dancing/communing is spouted as sin, when I think it's organic and on the more spiritual side. Sex and nakedness honor God.

[Philatone]

Dancing With Myself II




Absent interaction, loves deft touch as stated, I would like to know if this was supposed to show possession ("love's?")
I paint myself across the night
pelvis, charming the stars
Glad bedlam of limbs

all akimbo, all swirling circles
to mimic Luna, all bare feet the "all's" do give off the sense of motion, but they sacrifice the individual images for me. if the effect is more important, fair enough. If a slight change in rhythm is ok without losing a lot of meaning, I like substituting "all bare feet" with "every bare foot"

dancing in an article here would bring me more into a specific moment, "an" or "the" and give me something to ground myself inemerging dew
ten pink flowers
seducing the earth with
secret rhythims

not gay, but gay i like!
despite Walt’s apt description
of my electric body, my
glorious intercourse with
be-ing, my
happy affront to some assumed
definition of decency
my farmer’s elation at the touch
of living soil

It is not moot that I dance alone
naked i debated switching "alone" from the last line and "naked" from this one. I feel like the isolation is more important than the nakedness for this poem (not that its not important); also, by having "alone" on a line by itself, the form reinforces the meaning. just an idea I played with
that such frolic, not observed
by any prying eye
serves to make my peace
as if this dervish flees
the machinery of day
to warm obsidian night

and so preclude societies whim
that I wax jovial in my suit
of slippery skin
that I begin to express
the simplest sort of joy
free, free, free
of the very concept
of sin

I've tried Whitman's style before and it does not mesh with my own way of writing. To see lots of elements of it here put to strong use is an accomplishment beyond me. nicely done; most of my comments concern only the opening half and they are only suggestions that would help me in reading it

[only rob]

Welcome to serious critique, Rob This poem manages a sense of abandon and deep connection at the same time, quite a feat. Sin has always been a puzzlement to me -- who knows what's going to offend God this week? It varies according to the convenience of His mouthpiece du jour. To me your dance is a prayer more valid than those prescribed by rigidly outdated moral codes. I really enjoyed this, thanks for posting.

Dancing With Myself II


Absent interaction, loves deft touch -- should this be love's? Or if it's "absent interaction loves", then the comma should come out
I paint myself across the night
pelvis, charming the stars
Glad bedlam of limbs -- nice line! There's some great assonance and alliteration in this stanza

all akimbo, all swirling circles -- I'm not sure that "all" warrants repetition, it's not a strong word, especially as it turns up in the next line also -- what would you think of "all akimbo, circles aswirl"?
to mimic Luna, all bare feet
dancing in emerging dew
ten pink flowers -- you must have delicate tootsies Really nice metaphor
seducing the earth with
secret rhythms

not gay, but gay
despite Walt’s apt description -- perfect intertext
of my electric body, my
glorious intercourse with
be-ing, my -- excellent line breaks in L4 & 5
happy affront to some assumed
definition of decency
my farmer’s elation at the touch
of living soil -- this brings us back down to earth, or rather, it lifts the earth to the same level as the celestial

It is not moot that I dance alone
naked
that such frolic, not observed
by any prying eye
serves to make my peace
as if this dervish flees
the machinery of day
to warm obsidian night -- spectacular piece of introspection

and so preclude societies whim -- society's?
that I wax jovial in my suit
of slippery skin -- the near rhyme of whim/skin sounds lovely
that I begin to express -- instead of "that I", perhaps you would just try "and", to avoid repetitions that aren't reinforcing anything
the simplest sort of joy
free, free, free
of the very concept -- I would love to see a more concrete adjective than "very" here
of sin

Thank you, maam. Doing an edit. Your notes are appreciated.