Defining Birds

[Philatone]

V. 3
Adjusted stanza 2, removing "is it"
Adjusted stanza 6 to "a life...spent searching"


Ask me
What is a bird?

A patchwork of feathers
Sewn with a beak and straw legs

A music box
Waiting to be turned in the trees

Perhaps even a symbol of liberty,
Knowing no borders, nesting in alcoves and
The nooks of porches.

No, no.
I find a bird to be no more

Than a life
Spent searching for the best patch of sun.
A vacation home in Guatemala. A time share in my mulberry.

A bird is a man with two addresses,
Two homes crafted by the same beak.

Two hiding places. Two nests
Where he is jury and judge.

I think of birds this way
To make them not so different,

Wings, only a means
To get from here to home.


Original

Ask me
What is a bird?

Is it a patchwork of feathers
Sewn with a beak and straw legs?

A music box
Waiting to be turned in the trees?

Or it must be a symbol of liberty,
Knowing no borders, nesting in alcoves and
The nooks of porches.

No, no.
I find a bird to be no more

Than a man
Searching for the best patch of sun.
A vacation home in Guatemala. A time share in my mulberry.

A bird is a man with two addresses,
Two homes crafted by the same beak.

Two hiding places. Two nests
Where he is jury and judge.

I think of birds this way
To make them not so different,

Wings, only a means
To get from here to home.

[billy]

Ask me
What is a bird?

Is it a patchwork of feathers is 'is it' needed?
Sewn with a beak and straw legs? does it need a comma after sewn.

A music box
Waiting to be turned in the trees? good lines

Or it must be a symbol of liberty, for me this would be better as a question.
Knowing no borders, nesting in alcoves and
The nooks of porches.

No, no.
I find a bird to be no more

Than a man
Searching for the best patch of sun.
A vacation home in Guatemala. A time share in my mulberry. cute

A bird is a man with two addresses,
Two homes crafted by the same beak.

Two hiding places. Two nests
Where he is jury and judge.

I think of birds this way
To make them not so different,

Wings, only a means
To get from here to home.

i like the metaphor of the bird as to how it represents the aspects of man

i think the use of the "man" word diluted the extended metaphor and wonder if the "man" could be changed to something less obvious. (sadly i have no suggestions.)

i did like the form of the poem. it had a symmetry that worked well with the theme f the poem. (jmo)

thanks for the read.

[Philatone]

adjusted; want to think a bit before I work on the second stanza though. thanks so much!

[billy]

stanza 4 works better (for me)
i'm not sure neighbour improves the verse. it changes it but not sure if it improves it. so i'd prob think the same if it were used on the next verse as well.

as a suggestion, would "a life" or "a creature" help any.

[ICSoria]

Phil,
I very much like what you are attempting to do in this piece.
I believe that Billy’s point on L1 ("is it"), is a salient suggestion. It caused me to realize that what you need to do is take a more assertive approach in crafting this; rather than ask: Tell. Consider making "Birds" the title rather than part of a question in the poem itself. Lay this out with speaker as confident philosopher, ad-libbing his deeper observations on an otherwise overlooked subject. This is JMO and I will not feel offended if it is not at all what you are going for.

Sid

[Philatone]

hey, tinkered with it again. i think it does change it, and works, but input always appreciated.

Soria, thanks for the feedback! I thought I did make a tone switch halfway through, switching from questions to the speaker's own solid definition of birds. it is entirely possible that it is not strong enough. The title is easy enough to switch to a degree, especially if you think it weakens the poem from the onset.

Appreciate both of your assistance with this, it has helped immensely.

[billy]

i like the changes, i think tight as it was, it feels tighter with the small edit

[addy]

Critiquing version 3
I got to agree, the poem was greatly strengthened with such a little edit. Of course, it helps that the original itself is splendid. There's something unique about the way you presented the piece... I've often seen birds portrayed in the context of freedom and thus aimlessness, but instead you've tied the bird across the span of two points, two places, two (contradictory) things holding man's nature apart and yet together... and there's something so touching and true about that.

It may be just me, but I don't feel you need the question marks in stanza 2, 3, and 4. To me a series of rhetorical questions just stop-start the poems flow and ultimately drags it. For me it would work well enough as answers that you then detract with a vehement no by stanza 5. Just my take though.

[Leanne]

Ask me
What is a bird?

A patchwork of feathers
Sewn with a beak and straw legs?

A music box
Waiting to be turned in the trees?

Or even a symbol of liberty, -- would you consider "or perhaps", to make this more of a tentative suggestion?
Knowing no borders, nesting in alcoves and
The nooks of porches? -- these three strophes show a wonderful progression of ideas, from the concrete and inanimate through the lyric and then metaphysical.

No, no.
I find a bird to be no more

Than a life
Spent searching for the best patch of sun.
A vacation home in Guatemala. A time share in my mulberry. -- I laughed out loud at this line, it's perfect

A bird is a man with two addresses,
Two homes crafted by the same beak.

Two hiding places. Two nests
Where he is jury and judge.

I think of birds this way
To make them not so different,

Wings, only a means
To get from here to home. -- I really like the subversion of the usual reasons for personification, as here you're theorising that giving an animal human characteristics is a way to deal with our own limitations. I find this fascinating, and love a bit of philosophy in a poem.

Philatone, it's delightful to find poetry that gives us a springboard for further thought. The only other thing I can think to mention is the initial caps -- in many places they detract from the enjambment. Such a small thing, in such a large poem. I'm sorry to have come in late on this one, but also very impressed with the difference those earlier edits made. I greatly enjoyed this, thank you.

[billy]

it seriously feels polished. i'm gratified you gave thought before the edit and didn't wildly slash away.
for me it's at that stage where anymore would be too much. love the way you used the feedback and
us to workshop it. thanks for sharing the edits

[Philatone]

(at least) one last thank you to your feedback! this especially was a piece that was difficult for me alone to make changes to as I was blind--also shows one of the reasons why I'm so happy to have found the boards. I'm glad this poem was able to strike at least some chord with you.

stylistically, I think altering the question marks does make sense; how does no punctuation seem for the first three stanzas? I think it would work. also stylistically, I'm more of a fan of starting lines with capitals, though I realize it can be distracting to some people; that's one decision I would prefer to stand firm on for this piece.

you've all offered me such wonderful responses. please know I appreciate it

[billy]

i never notice the punctuation, or lack of it, so for me it works.

[addy]

I think it reads very nicely

[heslopian]

V. 3
Adjusted stanza 2, removing "is it"
Adjusted stanza 6 to "a life...spent searching"


Ask me
What is a bird? This line is confusing. "Ask me" sounds like a demand, which means you don't need the question mark. The line break also seems arbitrary. How about: "Ask me: what is a bird?" or simply: "Ask me what a bird is."

A patchwork of feathers
Sewn with a beak and straw legs So the beak and straw legs were used like needles to sew the patchwork of feathers? Remove the word "sewn" and this becomes a good couplet I think.

A music box
Waiting to be turned in the trees I think this line would work better like so: "Waiting in the trees to be wound." "Turned" is too ambiguous, and putting "in the trees" after "waiting" would make a more concise image.

Perhaps even a symbol of liberty,
Knowing no borders, nesting in alcoves and
The nooks of porches. My favourite verse. Crisp, strong and flowing image.

No, no. Do you really need two "no"s? It sounds a bit melodramatic.
I find a bird to be no more

Than a life
Spent searching for the best patch of sun.
A vacation home in Guatemala. A time share in my mulberry. Great use of semantics (searching, vacation, time share).

A bird is a man with two addresses,
Two homes crafted by the same beak. This couplet makes no sense to me. If you'd said "A bird is a man with no fixed address" I'd understand it. Birds are free etc. But why specifically two addresses? Also, men don't have beaks, so which part of his body is symbolised in the metaphor by the bird's beak, and how could he craft a home with it? I've probably missed something fundamental here, but this couplet baffles me.

Two hiding places. Two nests
Where he is jury and judge. "Two nests." Hmm. Maybe my limited knowledge of birds is partly to blame in not understanding this and the previous couplet.

I think of birds this way
To make them not so different, Would "more familiar" be more concise than "not so different"?

Wings, only a means
To get from here to home. This seems to contradict the tercet about liberty, having no borders etc. If wings are only a means of getting from one place to another then how can birds symbolise liberty?


Original

Ask me
What is a bird?

Is it a patchwork of feathers
Sewn with a beak and straw legs?

A music box
Waiting to be turned in the trees?

Or it must be a symbol of liberty,
Knowing no borders, nesting in alcoves and
The nooks of porches.

No, no.
I find a bird to be no more

Than a man
Searching for the best patch of sun.
A vacation home in Guatemala. A time share in my mulberry.

A bird is a man with two addresses,
Two homes crafted by the same beak.

Two hiding places. Two nests
Where he is jury and judge.

I think of birds this way
To make them not so different,

Wings, only a means
To get from here to home.

I hope I wasn't too harsh. With some small edits everything from the first line to "mulberry" could make an excellent poem. Those tercets ending in "porches" and "mulberry" are perfect. But then the poem loses its way and pokes holes in itself, as though it suddenly forgot its meaning.

[Philatone]

hey heslopian
I appreciate the feedback! I would like some clarification on a few things. I'm going to break this down stanza by stanza according to comments.


S. 1. Would it resonate better with you if I removed the question mark and left it open?

S. 2.I didn't intend the "with" to mean "by means of" here; rather going for a meaning closer to, for example, "a shirt sewn with buttons"--in this latter case, a shirt is not literally stitched together by buttons, but rather includes them. if that meaning isn't clear enough, I can search for an alternate expression

S. 3 I do like the suggestion of "wound", but I would miss the /t/ sounds. I could replace "trees" with "wind." I am curious about "turn" being "ambiguous." Does it imply something like "steering" to much, rather than something like the twisting of a knob?

S. 4. In these stanzas so far, I was trying to break down what I thought were common metaphors for birds; if that intention wasn't clear, I can certainly try to make that stronger. This gets important when considering the last stanza.

S. 6. I was trying to have a conversational tone here. I thought a single "no" would be a little too strong. I imagined having this kind of a conversation with another person; a "no, no" just feels softer to me than an outright "No." If it makes no difference to the reader though, it would appear excessive for sure.

S. 8. The previous stanza I intended to show the lack of a single fixed address, playing on a bird's migration. the similarity between birds and man was more on the houses, comparing them to nests, how each has to build (or have built) his residence.


S. 9. I agree it would be more concise, but if I replaced it with "familiar", I feel then people would be more drawn to the similarities and not think about the differences. The differences are important-man can never be a bird.

S. 10 relates to S's 4 and 5.


These were my own thoughts with the piece, and obviously they did not mesh well with your own. It means that my message may not have been clear enough. Having written these questions for you, I hope we can clarify it to make it a more accessible poem that correctly captures what it was intended to do. Thanks for your thoughts!

[heslopian]

S1: Yes, removing the question mark would help. I'd also suggest making it one line, but that's JMO.

S2: "A shirt sewn with buttons" again sounds to me like the buttons have been used as sewing needles. "A sewn button shirt" would be less confusing. Personally I think "patchwork" implies "sewn" without having to write the latter word.

S3: "Turned" evoked the image for me of a bird being turned over like an inanimate object. I wouldn't recommend replacing "trees" with "wind". A bird perched in a tree is a prettier image.

S4: I didn't criticise the fourth stanza? I said it was "My favourite verse. Crisp, strong and flowing image."

S5: I got that the two "no"s were supposed to seem conversational, but as the rest of the poem doesn't really read that way (IMO) it doesn't fit.

S7: If you meant to show the lack of a fixed address then why put "two"? Two is a specific number, which makes me the think the bird has two nests which he divides his time between.

S9: Why do you want people to think about the differences when you say you want to make birds "not so different"? I'm willing to agree that the differences are important, but in that verse you say the exact opposite, as you do in the two addresses couplet when you say "a bird is a man".

S10: How does S10 relate to 4 and 5? In 4, 5 and 6 you say the bird is a symbol of liberty, with no borders, who takes vacations and has time shares. In S10 you say that wings are only a means of getting from one place to another: here to home.

Look, I think up until "mulberry" you have a potentially great poem on your hands. Everything after it and your attempts to explain it though are just absurd to me.

[Philatone]

I think I see where your points are coming from. I'll put them into consideration. Thanks for your time, certainly is appreciated

[heslopian]

No problem. Thanks for taking my critique so graciously.