New Moon

[Aish]

I am far too rooted in this world,

concerned with each breath,
each detonation beat.

Plastic veins reach out like wild fig
and burrow for receding echoes,
plaiting truffles into orthodox bezoars.

Hip bones gild the fertile crescent,
guarding the temple womb
in rippling silence, beyond
fermenting greed and eggshell gestures.

Stale fingers press sins
into bread, flowing water
murmuring of the blessed.
I shall be sealed with honeyed apples and wine,
inscribed on the palms of God.

While science propels me toward
the craters of the moon,
I exhale

and long for
majik.


_____________________________________________________________________________________


Original:

I am far too rooted in this world,

concerned with each breath,
each detonation beat.

Plastic veins reach out like wild fig
and burrow for shrinking echoes,
plaiting truffles into religious bezoars.

Hip bones gild the fertile crescent,
guarding the temple womb
in rippling silence, beyond
fermenting greed and eggshell gestures.

Stale fingers press sins
into bread, flowing water murmuring
of the blessed.
I shall be sealed with honeyed apples and wine,
inscribed

while science propels me toward
the craters of the moon;
I exhale

and long for
majik.

[only rob]

I just love this. I'm unqualified to crit a superior poet, but for what it is worth, I wanted, (when reading it aloud) to read the second each in l-3 as every. I'm not against the artful repeat, but something in me wanted the extra slb or something. The whole of it is wonderful, and your phrasing gave me that "damn, I wish I wrote that" flush a few times. Thanks for a great read.

Rob

[Leanne]

I am far too rooted* in this world, -- good solid setup, this statement may be taken as either self-criticism or defense

concerned with each breath,
each detonation beat. -- the sonics of this line are excellent, very staccato and measured to add extra dimension to the words

Plastic veins reach out like wild fig
and burrow for shrinking echoes,
plaiting truffles into religious bezoars. -- I really like the imagery here, but I wonder if "religious" isn't too telly a word? It feels slightly heavy handed, but then again, I can't think of an alternative that would make it more implicit.

Hip bones gild the fertile crescent, -- "crescent" is a very interesting touch
guarding the temple womb
in rippling silence, beyond
fermenting greed and eggshell gestures.

Stale fingers press sins
into bread, flowing water murmuring
of the blessed.
I shall be sealed with honeyed apples and wine,
inscribed -- this stanza is absolutely incredible

while science propels me toward
the craters of the moon;
I exhale -- great link back to the breath at the beginning

and long for
majik. -- this spelling possibly means something different, but to me it feels like an Arabic twist and when I think about the crescent... and the moon... oh, so many possibilities!

Lovely stuff, Aish. I must say, I find myself wishing for magic and mystique more as I keep discovering logical explanations for things... catch 22 I suppose, wanting the esotericism to hold some truth, but seeking that truth makes it increasingly mundane.

*In Australia, "rooted" means... well, "fucked"

[Ca ne fait rien]

I am far too rooted in this world,

concerned with each breath,
each detonation beat.

Plastic veins reach out like wild fig
and burrow for shrinking echoes,
plaiting truffles into religious bezoars.

Hip bones gild the fertile crescent,
guarding the temple womb
in rippling silence, beyond
fermenting greed and eggshell gestures.

Stale fingers press sins
into bread, flowing water murmuring
of the blessed.
I shall be sealed with honeyed apples and wine,
inscribed

while science propels me toward
the craters of the moon;
I exhale

and long for
majik.

I found this just so female, in the most primal sense. Transcending all the trappings and hypocrisies of the superfcail sort of religious stuff.
If I was to make any stylistic sort of suggestion or alteration,
maybe the poem might end at
'craters of the moon'.

I think you already have majik.

[billy]

I've been here and returned a few times aish.
it's obviously religious centred but how, the honeyed apples and wine brought to think of yom kippur. (specially with the press sins line and the temple womb) i love the the juxtaposition of religion (for a Jewish woman, i think) and science. i love how the 1st person wants to break the confines and reach those craters on the moon. science is the majik ( i think)
if i had a nit it would be bezoars, unless you're into medicine or scrabble (i'm an ex scrabble holic) it feels too obscure. and though you use religion as a great word to reference the knot or lump or stone, it still feels a little to far out there.

other than that i loved working the poem out (though i'm sure i got it all effin wrong )
thanks for the read.

[Todd]

Hi Aish,

What I first notice and love about much of your work I've read is the interesting words you weave in. You don't tend to make anything too predictable and that's very cool. Let's work through this poem:

I am far too rooted in this world,--when I take the poem in its entirety, this being rooted in the world seems to be the empirical, physical sense of it. I'm a little unsure how to take the title of the poem. I have some thoughts I'll expand on once we get to the part about craters

concerned with each breath,
each detonation beat.--It's interesting that the speaker is concerned with what is largely automatic functions of the body. Though, I take this in sort of a gnostic way: the concerns of the flesh are in control. Or another way of putting it is that the senses reign over the intuition (the hidden). An option for you here if you want the line to more resemble a repetition of breath or heart beat (I do like detonation beat--though the option will change it a bit) is to do something like (I'll leave the breaks up to you):

concerned with each breath,
each beat, each detonation

It may not be stronger but I liked drawing out the sounds and the repetition. It may not work for you but just an idea

Plastic veins reach out like wild fig--Plastic veins is interesting. Is this maybe the commercial, artificial society infecting the speaker and causing them to be divorced from the natural. That they reach out like wild fig makes me think of them like a spreading plant or vine that is uncultivated yet claims more and more ground.
and burrow for shrinking echoes,--this burrowing seems to be to extinguish the remembrance of something primal. I'm not a big fan of shrinking. I'd prefer something like distant or faint. It works but feels like it's not quite the right word (could just be me)
plaiting truffles into religious bezoars.--I love bezoars. This line makes me think that something rare and valuable (or the very need of it) has been blended into something like a tumor. Put another way: Religion provides a pale substitute to the vibrant desire it replaces. Religious might be a little too leading here. It's on the edge for me...though I can't think of a substitute (ecclesiastical is much the same and ritualistic doesn't say enough).

Hip bones gild the fertile crescent,--beautiful line. Ties back to the title, and when it's this close to religious bezoars it's hard not to read Islam into it, or at the least the lands stretching from what is it Israel to Syria--my geography is always bad.
guarding the temple womb
in rippling silence, beyond
fermenting greed and eggshell gestures.--all of this is strong writing. It's what happens when we give birth to the tumor. It's what is left in its wake.

Stale fingers press sins--It's the fingers that are stale not the bread interesting. You might consider the singular sin. In some ways you get a sense of the Eucharist here. The sin offering becoming the bread.
into bread, flowing water murmuring
of the blessed.--I wonder if the poem needs this line. I sort of like the enjambment of murmuring going directly to the line below
I shall be sealed with honeyed apples and wine,--sealed is a very specific theological word. It speaks of perserverence, or specifically being made to perservere.
inscribed--I'm not fond of inscribed sitting alone here. I tried blending it into the above line, but didn't like the results. I'm not sure if the word adds enough

while science propels me toward
the craters of the moon;
I exhale--love these lines. Back to the moon. The fact that it is the new moon (barely visible) seems important. It represents the mystery of a race that used to look to the stars in wonder. It has been replaced by a world that maps each crater.

and long for
majik.--this is a wish for the mystery to return.

I enjoyed the read Aish. Your work is always very interesting.

Best,

Todd

[Aish]

@ Rob - I don't know what to say except thank you for your praise. I have considered switching the second 'each' to 'every', but in my head it doesn't work. I do understand the desire for a few extra syllables, though, as I beat my head against it at first when I was writing.

@Leanne - praise from you is amazing. I am more than happy to quicken your poetic pulse. Thanks for the 'new' colloquialism. I have heeded your thoughts on 'religious' (as well as Todd's). I have slipped 'thiesm' in instead, although I am wondering about 'doctrinal'? Since it is only a one word difference I just did a quick edit.

@ Ca ne fait rien - My sincerest gratitude. I can not think of a nicer compliment. Women are inherently majikal creatures as far as I'm concerned.

@ Billy - Thank you so much. Yom Kippur is close - the honeyed apples and wine are a reference to Rosh Hashana. The apples signify a sweet year to come. Yom Kippur is a complete fast, not even water is consumed.

@ Todd - Thank you, in leaps in bounds. Your insights and suggestions tend to floor me just a little bit. Your reaction to strophe 2 is pretty much dead on.

This poem means many things to me. It is about self-discovery, majik, mystery, connection... to all organic life, but also a quest for God. The title is multi-functional, for me at least. I wrote it on the New Moon. The new moon is a powerful time for weaving majik, ensuring prosperity, ushering in gifts and healing. It also marks the beginning of Rosh Hashana.
The multiplicity of sins vs sin has to do with the ritual of placing bread into ones pockets and walking to running water and tossing the bread crumbs into it - symbolic of casting away sins accumulated over the past year.
Inscribed is indeed a powerful word, as it alludes to being inscribed into the book of life for another year.
Burrowing IS primal. I chose shrinking because to me some of the echoes of the past, of answers or myths I long to touch are ebbing away. What do you think of ebbing?
Plastic is two-fold, meant both as pliable and artificial.
Judaism, more pointedly the Hasidic sects and Kabbalah are very mystical, especially the study of Gematria.

I could go on at length, but I prefer some of the mystery or individual impressions to be left in tact. I truly appreciate every comment and insight. It's amazing to know you can each connect to pieces of myself I have dropped here.

[billy]

i was thinking of them (apples and honey) being taken just before (the fast of) yom Kippur sorry for not being clear, i thought it all part of the same thing.

[Aish]

In a way you're correct - Rosh Hashana begins the Days of Awe, 10 days leading to Yom Kippur. So yeah, I can see your point

[Aish]

I have edited in some of the suggestions. Continued feedback for improvement is welcome.

[Todd]

Hi Aish,

This is just one reader's opinion but I'm not sure how I'd improve it anymore. Any suggestion I think of is mostly just a style difference (and thus has little bearing). I think the revision is subtle but very effective.

It's good work.

Best,

Todd

[Aish]

Thank you again, Todd. I dropped 'murmuring' down a line.

I'm contemplating 'inscribed' , and your comment it doesn't add enough. I would like to expand it, but am afraid using something like "in the Book of Life" is too overtly religious. I don't want it to be heavy handed, and certainly don't want it detracting from the other connotations. Suggestions?

[Todd]

If you want to deal with inscribed, here are some thoughts.

I agree with you that Book of Life seems too much. A couple of possilbe options:

A) Leave it as is

B) Maybe expand on the wild fig, apples, nature images with the Tree of Life I don't think directly just finding a way to allude to it.

C) In the apocalyptic books they have phrasing about a name written (inscribed) upon the thigh

D) There are some biblical verses that talk about our names being written (or carved in some translations) on the palms of God's hands.

E) You could make some push back to Jewish law and the stone tablets

Just some thoughts, I'm not sure where I would go with it but my mind seems to lead in those directions.

[Aish]

I like the palms of God's hands. There is also a Jewish myth that sins are inscribed on our bones, though that isn't really what I was going for - it's an image that has always stuck with me and eventually I think I want to paint it.

I am vacillating between 'inscribed on the palms of God' and 'inscribed on God's palms'... gah!

[addy]

Great edit, Aish. Made a terrific poem that much stronger. I think there's little else to be done; it's wonderful

I am far too rooted in this world,

concerned with each breath,
each detonation beat. I love your establishing lines. Very meditative, and powerful.

Plastic veins reach out like wild fig
and burrow for receding echoes,
plaiting truffles into doctrinal bezoars. Would "orthodox bezoars" work? Just a thought.

Hip bones gild the fertile crescent,
guarding the temple womb
in rippling silence, beyond
fermenting greed and eggshell gestures.

Stale fingers press sins
into bread, flowing water
murmuring of the blessed.
I shall be sealed with honeyed apples and wine,
inscribed on the palms of God. This stanza is sublime.

While science propels me toward
the craters of the moon,
I exhale

and long for
majik. Great close. I love how you contextualize majik as roots and science as the opposite (rocket science is a great, simple, and evocative example). Superbly done.

[Aish]

Thank you so much, Addy! I will give some thought to 'orthodox bezoars'.

---

Orthodox it is - I feel pretty satisfied. Thank you all so much for the guidance.