Crushed

[ICSoria]

Crushed (Revision)

Nonchalantly sidling up,
speech refined and well-rehearsed.
He crafts his conversation
of controlled mendacities.
Well placed, unassuming glances
mask the fact, his eyes have not
stopped fondling her since she walked in.

She listens patiently; smiles graciously,
allowing him to try his favorite lines--
but can't help thinking of that roach
she crushed beneath her shoe that morning.

original

Nonchalantly sidling up,
speech refined and well-rehearsed.
He crafts his conversation
of controlled mendacities.
Well placed, unassuming glances
mask the fact, his eyes have not
stopped fondling and undressing her,
since she walked through the door.

She listens patiently; smiles graciously,
allowing him to try his favorite lines--
but can't help thinking of that roach
she crushed beneath her shoe that morning.

Sid

[Leanne]

Sid, I haven't much to say in the way of serious critique for this one -- I'm pretty sure I know that guy though I love "controlled mendacities", and I also like the contrast between his POV of believing that his "well placed, unassuming glances" go unnoticed, while she "can't help thinking of that roach". I do find L7 a bit on the cliched side, and you could probably do without the "undressing" part.

It's a very fine two-part poem.

[ICSoria]

Sid, I haven't much to say in the way of serious critique for this one -- I'm pretty sure I know that guy though I love "controlled mendacities", and I also like the contrast between his POV of believing that his "well placed, unassuming glances" go unnoticed, while she "can't help thinking of that roach". I do find L7 a bit on the cliched side, and you could probably do without the "undressing" part.

It's a very fine two-part poem.

Thanks Leanne,
Very good advice as usual.
I was wondering if the "...undressing her" part is not what makes the line seem cliché so I am trying it without that. I also got to thinking that portion could be shortened, to somewhat maintain line length; it seems easier to simply say someone walked in, as it is understood they walk in through a door. I am also wondering: Does "graciously" add anything, or is it extraneous and would the poem be better served without it? I was once told as much but I disagreed at the time. Not so sure now. Thanks again,



Crushed (Revision)

Nonchalantly sidling up,
speech refined and well-rehearsed.
He crafts his conversation
of controlled mendacities.
Well placed, unassuming glances
mask the fact, his eyes have not
stopped fondling her since she walked in.

She listens patiently; smiles graciously,
allowing him to try his favorite lines--
but can't help thinking of that roach
she crushed beneath her shoe that morning.

Sid

[Leanne]

I like graciously, it ties in sound-wise with patiently, plus it adds to the contrast between his perception of his success and hers. It gives her much higher moral ground.

[abu nuwas]

For my money, I might retain the first four lines of your revised version,and last four lines. However, I would tuck the others away somewhere safe, for another poem.

[billy]

Crushed (Revision)

Nonchalantly sidling up,
speech refined and well-rehearsed. is this line needed?
He crafts his conversation
of controlled mendacities.
Well placed, unassuming glances
mask the fact, his eyes have not
stopped fondling her since she walked in. is 'since she walked in' needed?

She listens patiently; smiles graciously, an image for the smile would be better than the tell for me, a simile perhaps
allowing him to try his favorite lines-- is he trying or working?
but can't help thinking of that roach
she crushed beneath her shoe that morning.

i like this sid. you do write a lot of stuff that reminds me of me .
it's better without the undressing part the only real nit i have is the try in L 3, of the 2nd. it feel a little week. the 1st verse sets him out to be a player, that's why i suggested 'work his fave lines' jmo

thanks for the read.

original

Nonchalantly sidling up,
speech refined and well-rehearsed.
He crafts his conversation
of controlled mendacities.
Well placed, unassuming glances
mask the fact, his eyes have not
stopped fondling and undressing her,
since she walked through the door.

She listens patiently; smiles graciously,
allowing him to try his favorite lines--
but can't help thinking of that roach
she crushed beneath her shoe that morning.

Sid

[ICSoria]

Crushed (Revision)

Nonchalantly sidling up,
speech refined and well-rehearsed. is this line needed?
He crafts his conversation
of controlled mendacities.
Well placed, unassuming glances
mask the fact, his eyes have not
stopped fondling her since she walked in. is 'since she walked in' needed?

She listens patiently; smiles graciously, an image for the smile would be better than the tell for me, a simile perhaps
allowing him to try his favorite lines-- is he trying or working?
but can't help thinking of that roach
she crushed beneath her shoe that morning.

i like this sid. you do write a lot of stuff that reminds me of me .
it's better without the undressing part the only real nit i have is the try in L 3, of the 2nd. it feel a little week. the 1st verse sets him out to be a player, that's why i suggested 'work his fave lines' jmo

thanks for the read.

Bill,
Thank your for taking time on this. I do understand your points and will look this over again completely. Your point about the "favorite lines" bit was a good one and I will try refining it because I agree he should have all his lines down by now; I implied as much prior to that line. However, I still believe it necessary to suggest he picked her out as soon as "she walked in,". I will look for a way to say it better.

Sid

[billy]

i can see what you mean with the "she walked in"