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08-05-2011, 04:50 PM
(This post was last modified: 08-14-2011, 07:14 AM by billy.)
Listing from Port to starboard
I tried to follow the line of urine
home. Slant wise
over yellowed snow
my staggered piss took me,
up your garden path.
I dumped
on your pristine doorstep;
it was all I had left.
capped a p in port on sid's heads up and capped an i on the last line; thanks jack to small an edit to do a complete copy
Billy, I absolutely loved the polysemy within this piece, especially that first line, which immediately drew me in. Taken from a common naval phrase, you gave it a uniqueness in your write (should Port be capitalized, or is that only when identified with a particular brand? :-).
I really do love that line in this!
Sid
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(08-06-2011, 01:11 AM)ICSoria Wrote: Billy, I absolutely loved the polysemy within this piece, especially that first line, which immediately drew me in. Taken from a common naval phrase, you gave it a uniqueness in your write (should Port be capitalized, or is that only when identified with a particular brand? :-).
I really do love that line in this!
Sid
yes, i think you're right, it should be a cap p
thanks for the heads up. and the kind words Sid.
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Hi Billy,
It's a fun read, and I love how the speaker was so giving to give the last of what he had. It reminds me of the Biblical story of the Widow's Mite. My only call out is the period on L3. Either I'd like to see the next word capitalized or the punctuation reworked. Other than that, the content was a lot of fun.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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thanks todd, and done
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(08-05-2011, 04:50 PM)billy Wrote: Listing from Port to starboard Listing? I'm unfamiliar with that term being used in such a context.
I tried to follow the line of urine
home. Slant wise
over yellowed snow
my staggered piss took me, Excellent use of line breaks from "Slant" to the comma.
up your garden path.
I dumped
on your pristine doorstep;
it was all i had left. "I"
capped a p in port on sid's heads up. to small an edit to do a complete copy
A brilliant poem Bilbo. Disgusting yet profound. The last line is especially heart wrenching. I want to hug the narrator while at the same fearing that if I do I'll get piss and shit all over me
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
