The Autocrat

[Lizzie]

Dad put his feet up
on the table after he ate,
still wearing the farm on his soles.

He leaned back in his chair and belched,
unbuttoned his pants
and picked his teeth,
a fat cat controlling the dish.

We'd finish the meal
facing the manure on his boots.

Dad put his feet up
on the table after he ate,
still wearing the farm on his soles.

He leaned back in his chair and belched,
unbuttoned his pants
and picked his teeth
like a fat cat
done controlling the dish.

We'd finish the meal
staring at the manure on his boots.

[ellajam]

Dad put his feet up
on the table after he ate,
still wearing the farm on his soles. Lovely line.

He leaned back in his chair and belched,
unbuttoned his pants
and picked his teeth
like a fat cat You might drop "like" and "done" and join the lines.
done controlling the dish.

We'd finish the meal
staring at the manure on his boots.
These two lines fall flat, we already know his manured boots are on the table, maybe a quick line about dessert smelling like or mixing with or bringing back the scent of manure.

[Todd]

I think Ella gave you some solid feedback and pointed out the issue of the final line. 

Though it gives a sense of symmetry it isn't surprising enough. A possible fix might be something like this:

Dad put his feet up
on the table after he ate,

He leaned back in his chair and belched,
unbuttoned his pants
and picked his teeth
like a fat cat
done controlling the dish.

We'd finish the meal
smelling the farm on his soles.

I didn't include Ella's changes though I agree with them. I took your Line 3 and moved it to the end. I exchanged staring for smelling to engage a different sense (one that felt more appropriate for manure). 

Just something to think about.

Best,

Todd

[Achebe]

Dad put his feet up
on the table after he ate,
still wearing the farm on his soles.

He leaned back in his chair and belched,
unbuttoned his pants
and picked his teeth
like a fat cat
done controlling the dish.

We'd finish the meal
staring at the manure on his boots.

I think it's okay to repeat the observation  because the distraction of S2 made me forget L3 and it was nice getting back to it.
The image in the last line IMO shouldn't be too visceral so what you have here actually works for me. But info find it a bit overlong and clunky. 'Staring' is a prettt dull word here.
Otherwise, great little poem.

[Lizzie]

Todd, ellajam, and Achebe: 'staring' has been giving me fits and for the life of me I can't seem to get the word just right. 'Smelling' is a fair substitute. Somewhere out there is the exact word I want, but it will have to alight on me one day. Thanks so much for the critiques.

[milo]

Facing

[Lizzie]

Facing

Thanks milo, this has a several connotations I like. The idea of facing the unsavory elements of family is a good fit as is the connotation of facing one's enemy, facing something head on, etc.

Appreciate the read and the suggestion.

[milo]

Facing

Thanks milo, this has a several connotations I like. The idea of facing the unsavory elements of family is a good fit as is the connotation of facing one's enemy, facing something head on, etc.

Appreciate the read and the suggestion.

The reason I prefer it is the multiple meanings. There is the struggle, the literal meaning, and, one of the oldest and most powerful insults in human history is to put manure in the face.

[Lizzie]

Facing

Thanks milo, this has a several connotations I like. The idea of facing the unsavory elements of family is a good fit as is the connotation of facing one's enemy, facing something head on, etc.

Appreciate the read and the suggestion.

The reason I prefer it is the multiple meanings. There is the struggle, the literal meaning, and, one of the oldest and most powerful insults in human history is to put manure in the face.

Agreed. I didn't know it had this universal history, but I'm not surprised.

Thanks for the help, milo.

[Ton Romus]

This is a pretty tight vignette.

IMO this kind of piece is all about ordinary "facts" juxtaposed by
surprising details (imagery) or unexpected counterpoints.

As presented this reads as a rather linear description which seems
more like reporting than story telling. But that's probably my
personal preference for asymmetry and non-linearity kicking in.

That said, I believe you could look for more sensory stimulation
by keeping sight smell hearing taste and touch in mind.

I'd also be curious to know where "mom" is in this equation.

Are you willing to reveal some of the dark shadows that every home has?

Just some thoughts.

But I want to underscore the fact I enjoyed the read!

~Ton

[Lizzie]

This is a pretty tight vignette.  

IMO this kind of piece is all about ordinary "facts" juxtaposed by
surprising details (imagery) or unexpected counterpoints.

As presented this reads as a rather linear description which seems
more like reporting than story telling.  But that's probably my
personal preference for asymmetry and non-linearity kicking in. Hmmm, what might help it seem more like a story other than mixing up the timeline?

That said, I believe you could look for more sensory stimulation
by keeping sight smell hearing taste and touch in mind. Yeah, I'll think about that one. It is pretty short, so there's room for more.

I'd also be curious to know where "mom" is in this equation. 

Are you willing to reveal some of the dark shadows that every home has? Well, I've set out a few times to write specifically about family things, and that never quite works out. I have to just let whatever wants to come out come out and leave it at that. That having been said, I am a little more confessional in my bent, and so I suspect that, when read together with some of my other pieces, a more unified whole will emerge with time.

Just some thoughts.

But I want to underscore the fact I enjoyed the read!  

~Ton

Thank you for your thoughts, Ton. Good having you on the site!

lizziep