entertaining

[Lizzie]

i'm quieting down
receding into the corners

unzipping my skin
allowing you in
                 i'm entertaining

i let you drive

i used to do everything
with myself in mind

now i sustain you
                         my skeleton

if you become me then what becomes of me?

loving you is my way of flirting
with death

---

Reinstating this one because I ticked Dale off by deleting it out of a critical forum after it had been seen. Sorry to anyone else slightly to seriously annoyed with my deleting tendencies. It won't happen as much now that I know (and knowing is half the battle ).

[CRNDLSM]

i'm quieting down
receding into the corners

unzipping my skin
allowing you in
                 i'm entertainingthis block sucked me in, like entertaining guests, but the first block makes you seem too introverted for entertaining 

i let you drivecliche? still nice

i used to do everything
with myself in mind

now i sustain you
              you're my skeleton nice even Rhymes with let you in and skin.

if you become me then what becomes of me?could do without this line, you are 'one' now

loving you is my way of flirting
with death I love this ending, driving can be very dangerous

---

Reinstating this one because I ticked Dale off by deleting it out of a critical forum after it had been seen. Sorry to anyone else slightly to seriously annoyed with my deleting tendencies. It won't happen as much now that I know (and knowing is half the battle ).

[Lizzie]

i'm quieting down
receding into the corners

unzipping my skin
allowing you in
                 i'm entertainingthis block sucked me in, like entertaining guests, but the first block makes you seem too introverted for entertaining Hi Crundalism Right. I intended to imply that the speaker is sort of packing herself into corners of herself, her psyche to make room inside for the other. I know, phrasing right?

i let you drivecliche? still nice Maybe.

i used to do everything
with myself in mind

now i sustain you
              you're my skeleton nice even Rhymes with let you in and skin. Yeah, I've got a couple rhymes going on, they're not all at the end, though. I have a lot of 'ings spaced throughout, there's drive and mind. I don't do a lot of strict rhyme, more internal rhyme (is that the same as assonance? I don't know?) and slant rhyme.

if you become me then what becomes of me?could do without this line, you are 'one' now Are we?

loving you is my way of flirting
with death I love this ending, driving can be very dangerous

---

Reinstating this one because I ticked Dale off by deleting it out of a critical forum after it had been seen. Sorry to anyone else slightly to seriously annoyed with my deleting tendencies. It won't happen as much now that I know (and knowing is half the battle ).

Thanks for giving it a read and letting me know what's coming across for you. That's very helpful!

[Ton Romus]

i'm quieting down >>> "quieting" reminds too much of time out
receding into the corners >>> receding is weak IMO. Maybe curling folding etc.

unzipping my skin
allowing you in >>> nice
i'm entertaining >>> 4 gerunds seems a bit heavy at this point. IMO this line is not bringing anything significant to the table in terms of heat and/or detail or imagery. I'd either cut or work on something more vivid...

i let you drive

i used to do everything
with myself in mind >>> like the self reflector and the hint at submission

now i sustain you
you're my skeleton >>> the indent does nothing for me -- but I really dig these 2lines

if you become me then what becomes of me? >>> the concept here and the double me doesn't work for me... this line seems kind of tacked on -- I'd consider nixing.

loving you is my way of flirting
with death >>> flirt with death is cliché -- I do like the conclusion but I believe a search for something beside "flirting" would be worthwhile.

But yea, I like the direction this here pome goes and certainly enjoyed!

~Ton. Like "Don." But with a T. OK?

[Lizzie]

~Ton. Like "Don." But with a T. OK?

^

Yeah, I'll work on the descriptors. I'm not sure that I've found the right language yet for the concepts I'm trying to convey. Thanks for the feedback, this one might take a couple of edits to materialize.

An aside about the indenting: I had a notion to line up you/me/I etc. to mimic the merging of the people....it doesn't appear to be working visually, but sometimes I just try things to see what works and what doesn't.

Thanks again for taking the time.

Cheers,

lizziep

[RiverNotch]

i'm quieting down
receding into the corners

unzipping my skin
allowing you in Better perhaps to separate this and the bottom line,

even perhaps remove the indentation, which reads, in this case, non-functional. Also the gerunds, which with the key rhyme of the next two stanzas, is much weakened here. "i quiet down / recede into the corners // unzip my skin / allow you in"
                        i'm entertaining You could make this more provocative by changing statement into question. "am i entertaining?" It should read more like tendrils of the author's emotion reaching out to the addressed.
i let you drive

i used to do everything
with myself in mind

now i sustain you And I'm still missing the comma here. Hey, you question-mark the latter, right? And that degree of separation enhances the internality, I think.
                         my skeleton Although the enclosure of the above lines does read functional, so I suppose the indentation works.

if you become me then what becomes of me? ...And turning the earlier into a question does tie it to this one. But the break from the hypothetical two-line here makes an appropriate impression, I think, especially with the return to the two line in what is essentially the one-line response at the end.

loving you is my way of flirting
with death ...Although I feel like instead of indenting "my skeleton", this is the line to be indented instead -- or perhaps all lines involving the macabre be indented, such that the association with entertainment becomes concrete.
In general, the poem is a little flat -- it reads like a feeling or a series of thoughts I've read before. Still, it reads well enough, and it did make enough of an impression on me so that I missed this, when deleted. In all, fair enough. 

[BecktheDog]

The imagery in this poem is superb. Especially in
"unzipping my skin
allowing you in
i'm entertaining"

If you are able to keep that imagery up through the rest of the poem, I think this poem will improve. The theme is sustained through the poem, but the imagery is not.

[Lizzie]

If you are able to keep that imagery up through the rest of the poem, I think this poem will improve. 

I think you're right.

[Lizzie]

[quote='lizziep' pid='219886' dateline='1478291058']
i'm quieting down
receding into the corners

unzipping my skin
allowing you in Better perhaps to separate this and the bottom line,

Ok, what's the rule of thumb when it comes to what gets indented and what doesn't? Are there rules governing these things that I don't know about? How do you make use of white space?

Yeah, it needs some life, for sure. As soon as this whole election broohaha settles down, editing this one is on the top of my list. Thanks for taking time with it River. I always appreciate your thoughts.

[richard michael]

1. I would just say "I am quieting" in the first line.
2.drop "into" in the second line
3.I think the line about letting you drive distracts from the "body" image you were evoking
4.I would just say "I did everything with myself in mind"
5. comma after (now)
6. not sure I would use "me" twice in the same line

I liked this poem, the images are vivid

[Lizzie]

1. I would just say "I am quieting" in the first line. This is probably true.
2.drop "into" in the second line
3.I think the line about letting you drive distracts from the "body" image you were evoking That's a good point, thank you.
4.I would just say "I did everything with myself in mind"
5. comma after (now)
6. not sure I would use "me" twice in the same line

I liked this poem, the images are vivid

Thank you for the comments, richard. You have some good points.

Take care,

lizziep