Moe Edit 2

[CRNDLSM]

Moe    (Edit 2)

Hey, Moe.
I gotta know, Moe,
what happened to the Corona commercials?
Where did they go?
Did plans change or are they just moving too slow?
"What's the story, buddy-buddy?
Give me a call, how about tomorrow?
We'll toke it up and hammer down,
just give me a call" . . .  I don't think so!

Hey, Moe!
I gotta know, Moe,
how many Tylenol did you consume today?
Or is that alcohol flowing through your veins?
Follow your friends, and all of their trends,
to more expensive ends, or
do it in bed, aim straight at your head.
It's only lead, what are you waiting for?

Hey, Moe!!
"Would you stop being so dirtball, buddy-buddy?!"
There's no respect for wasted intelligence,
passing up all of the obvious benefits,
giving up the dream to keep up with current events.
"Walking to Washington's ignorant as it gets."
Busting my balls, or questioning common sense?
A little insult or an innocent sentence? It's
a good life, and we might not get a second chance!

Hey Moe!!!
You oughtta know!!
We'll disappear into the forgettable.
How many years, we're bloated and stoned,
'til the blink of an eye, like that, we're gone?




Moe   (Original)

Hey Moe!
I gotta know, Moe,
what happened to the Corona commercials?
Where did they go?
Did plans change or are they just moving too slow?
"What's the story, buddy-buddy?
Give me a call, how about tomorrow?
We'll toke it up and hammer down,
just give me  a call" . . . I don't think so!

Hey Moe!!
I gotta know, Moe,
how many Tylenol did you consume today?
Or is that alcohol flowing through your veins?
Follow your friends and all of their trends
to more expensive ends, or
do it in bed, and aim straight at your head. 
It's only lead, what are you waiting for?

Hey Moe,
would you stop being so dirtball, buddy-buddy?
I've no respect for wasted intelligence,
passing up all of the obvious benefits,
still living in an oblivious ignorance,
giving up the dream to keep up with current events.
Don't be confused, this isn't coincidence.
We all make mistakes; I was angry; I get it.
Your little insult was an innocent sentence.
It's a good life, and we might not get a second chance.

Hey Moe!!!
What do you know?!
We'll disappear into the forgettable.
How many years, we're bloated and stoned,
until the blink of an eye, like that, we're gone . . . ?

[kolemath]

I like the voice in this one; it's consistent and entertaining. some lines are troubled though, IMO


Moe

Hey Moe!
I gotta know, Moe,
what happened to the Corona commercials?
Where did they go?
Did plans change or are they just moving too slow?
"What's the story, buddy-buddy?
Give me a call, how about tomorrow? good sound ending here
We'll toke it up and hammer down, i'm confused about the shift into quotation marks; maybe i'm missing something about who moe is; i don't see quotes anywhere else..
just give me  a call" . . . I don't think so!

Hey Moe!!
I gotta know, Moe,
how many Tylenol did you consume today? cool line
Or is that alcohol flowing through your veins?
Follow your friends and all of their trends
to more expensive ends, or
do it in bed, and aim straight at your head. 
It's only lead, what are you waiting for? dark but it works, considering the drug problem above



Hey Moe,
would you stop being so dirtball, buddy-buddy?
I've no respect for wasted intelligence, i don't like 'intelligence,' even if i like the line
passing up all of the obvious benefits,
still living in an oblivious ignorance, too abstract and reaching for rhyme here; you're losing me
giving up the dream to keep up with current events. good
Don't be confused, this isn't coincidence. not so good
We all make mistakes; I was angry; I get it. not sure what's going on here
Your little insult was an innocent sentence.
It's a good life, and we might not get a second chance. this stanza is pretty mixed up to my reading; there's no core meaning to go on, unlike s2

Hey Moe!!!
what do you know?! cliche?
We'll disappear into the forgettable. good
How many years, we're bloated and stoned,
until the blink of an eye, like that, we're gone . . . ? i like this stanza overall
[/quote]

thanks for sharing

[Lizzie]

Hi Crundalism. A few thoughts for you on the edit.

Moe    (Edit 1)

Hey, Moe.
I gotta know, Moe, -- the repetitions of Moe are just annoying to me.
what happened to the Corona commercials?
Where did they go?
Did plans change or are they just moving too slow? -- what plans? whose plans?
What's the story, buddy-buddy?
Give me a call, how about tomorrow?
We'll toke it up and hammer down,
just give me a call . . .  I don't think so! -- Not sure what 'I don't think so' means here? I think you should end on give me a call to reinforce that the relationship continues, setting up the next stanzas.

Hey, Moe!
I gotta know, Moe,
how many Tylenol did you consume today? -- I'd keep the language casual, like how many tylenol did you pop today?
Or is that alcohol flowing through your veins?
Follow your friends, and all of their trends,
to more expensive ends, or -- expensive ends is vague and feels forced for the rhyme
do it in bed, aim straight at your head.
It's only lead, what are you waiting for? -- strange thing for a friend to say, especially one who continues on to admonish the friend toward a better life?

Hey, Moe!!
Would you stop being so dirtball, buddy-buddy?! -- I think you should lose the friendly language in this stanza.
I've no respect for wasted intelligence,
passing up all of the obvious benefits,
giving up the dream to keep up with current events,
mayhem and medicine messing up common sense.
Chalking it up to as ignorant as it gets,
I'm taking your insult as an innocent sentence.
It's a good life, and we might not get a second chance! -- this stanza feels pretty polemical and preachy. In the previous stanza, there was some lecturing going on, but it felt like it was friend to friend, where this starts to reach into realms of this is what general people in general should be doing with their general lives.

Hey Moe!!! -- I think you should start with more exclamation marks at the beginning where they're some partying going on and then things get more serious until we're finally talking about death. The manufactured excitement here feels out of place in this somber stanza.
What do you know?!
We'll disappear into the forgettable.
How many years, we're bloated and stoned,
'til the blink of an eye, like that, we're gone? -- I think it's strange that you dropped the rhyming altogether in this stanza. I'd expand it more so that the riffed feel is continuous throughout. It feels like you just kind of stopped.

Overall, I think you've got something good developing. I think you need to decide what you're trying to admonish moe to do or be. I'm unclear as to who he is and the relationship between him and the speaker. I'd add more specific imagery and details, dropping the preachy bits because they don't add anything interesting.

Hope this helps,

lizziep

[CRNDLSM]

Thanks lizziep that preachy parts really tough, I screwed up saving the first edit, I hope this is clearer, quotations are things Moe said... I may have made it more confusing with the washington bit, I'm happy for a month and then boom doubt everything!