Echo

[PoetCraft]

Revised.

Echo

Laying bare on moonlit water,
Swaying with gentle breeze.
Say, in every shell living a soul?
Nay, there's nothing but an echo.

[shemthepenman]

hello,

this is a short one.

Echo

Lay bare on moonlight water, - 'moonlit' would be more logical. but, that's only relevant if you are concerned about that sort of thing. personally, i am not so bothered.
Sway with gentle sea breeze.
If every shell resides a ghost, - this doesn't make much sense to me. do you mean 'if in every shell there resides a ghost'? if so, maybe say it like that. if not, i don't know what it means. also, isn't 'ghost in the shell' a bit trite? you have used inversion to give the impression of a subversion of the cliche. but, if you wrote it in the preferable way, straightforward, it would be 'if there is a ghost in every shell'; and because it doesn't really make sense the way you have written it, that is how one has to translate it, regardless; therefore, you have only nominally avoided the cliché.
Nothing more than a echo. - i am not clear how these last two lines relate to the first, in a syntactical way. nor, for that matter, how they relate to each other. 'if...' implies a conditional. i just don't see the purpose of the 'if'. i suppose you could have 'if there is a ghost in every shell / it is nothing but an echo'. i suppose this is a relatively interesting idea, but only in as far as i don't quite understand the point of it.

[PoetCraft]

Thank you much for comments. I just modified again.

Yes, 'moonlit' would be right and sorry for typos I miss the "in". 

Yet I'm still struggling with word choices of "self", "soul" or "ghost".

The little piece's written in a sleepless night. It comes from a weird idea whether "I" exist or it is something else.

[Achebe]

Sway with gentle sea breeze. --- this line spoils it for me because of the 'gentle sea breeze'. It's best to avoid adjectives in poetry, particularly hackneyed ones like 'gentle'.

[PoetCraft]

Sway with gentle sea breeze. --- this line spoils it for me because of the 'gentle sea breeze'. It's best to avoid adjectives in poetry, particularly hackneyed ones like 'gentle'.

How about:

Gently sway with salty breeze.

?

[Achebe]

Nope. Adverbs suck more.

[shemthepenman]

oh, yes. the edit makes it much easier to read. although, i am still not quite sure what it means - nope, just read it again, and i'm absolutely sure i don't know what it means. it's a head scratcher. the trouble is, i can't tell if i'm being slow or the poem is being pretentious. . . or if i am being overly critical. maybe a little from column A, B, and C.
i suppose the only technical suggestion i can make is, 'echo' should have the indefinite article 'an'; and if the final line is referring to the ghost in the shell, specifically, then you would do well to say 'is it. . .' instead of 'is there. . .' if not, then i understand it even less than i thought

Echo

Lay bare on moonlit water,
Gently sway with salty breeze.
If in every shell resides a ghost,
Is there nothing more than a echo?

[Todd]

Hi, let me give you some comments on your revision.

First off if the title is echo than it doesn't work well also being the last word of your poem. The title sets up the echo so the last line needs to more of the sense of the idea without being the word. Just an opinion, not sure if that makes sense.

Echo

Lay bare on moonlit water,--The first two lines read as commands with an implied "you" as the subject. So this first line should probably end with a period. This first line is pretty phrasing.
Gently sway with salty breeze.--It's not that you can never use adverbs or adjectives. It's just when they are unnecessary or better expressed as rephrased nouns or verbs than they should be cut most of the time. Sway implies a slow rhythmic movement. Why would you need gentle? While salty breeze does add a quality not found in all breezes, there's probably a better way to get there. There are literally thousands of approaches. You're looking for more interesting phrasing. The problem with most modifiers is they read like easy shorthand not really as effective imagery.
If in every shell resides a ghost,--So this is your key proposition.
Is there nothing more than a echo?--This isn't asking for a question. It's asking to be led with "than" and making a statement or observation. Really think about what you're trying to say and reword.

I know I wrote a lot, but most of what I wrote is just trying to give you enough clarity on what I'm talking about. I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd

[PoetCraft]

Thanks for Todd's comments.

The motif of this little piece is about personal identity. I try to express a Buddhist like view.

Central Ideas: Self (or ego, mind, free will, afterlife spirit....) in a sense, sounds like an inner voice, which arouses a person to think (to do this or that), rather than a real object from which I identify who I am.

Emotions Behind: Who am I? I flee my self on water and pointlessly swaying away with night sea breeze. I also feel my "inner voice" somehow like sirens sing.

[amejadcc]

It is difficult to believe as a reader that inner voice can portray good expressions of random thoughts and answers, especially when we've never heard inner voice speak a different tone and have its own character. Inner voice in poetry is just us thinking out loud, I think. This proves difficult for me as I try poetry writing too. I don't know where to begin but I think the whole stanza is a rhetorical question, and the readers learn nothing essential from questioning it. 

Laying bare on moonlit water, 
Swaying with gentle breeze.
Say, in every shell living a soul?
Nay, there's nothing but an echo.

The underlined words suggests that readers can ask this question - "What being are you?" I think the Mods have it right when poetry needs to be clear from the beginning. The lines should be grounded in human nature. If you are implying this nature is from a dream or an abstract concept from a School of thought, much exploration and expansion of subject needs to be done. You can name the people who founded the concept too, so that readers can find some sort of identification with it. 

I hope I explained it right.

Thanks for the share.

[RiverNotch]

Revised.

Echo

Laying bare on moonlit water,
Swaying with gentle breeze. rhythmically and grammatically, a gentle breeze.
Say, in every shell living a soul? Why not a complete sentence? The developed ambiguity isn't an advantage, it only highlights the change as a mistake. And rhythm isn't an issue -- the meter's already inconsistent enough as it is.
Nay, there's nothing but an echo. "Nay" just sounds old, and for a poem that's supposedly serious in tone.....well, it adds to the problem described below.

I kinda think the poem is being pretentious. I don't see depth in denying the identities of all others, only idiotic solipsism, ie, adolescence. And unless you're gonna develop this with better humor or self-consciousness, this isn't gonna move out of the domain of the fifteen-year-old.

And reading your earlier comment, no, it doesn't show. As far as I know -- or at least depending on the analogous thought in the bits of Christian asceticism I've gleaned -- Buddhism involves the denial of the self, not the selves of others: in fact, others one is supposed to treat like others, both to help make the self utterly nothing, and, at the start more importantly, not to look like an asshole. "In every shell a living soul?" implies that the speaker is applying the philosophy to every one, not just himself, ie the much clearer solipsistic angle.

[bluegypsea]

Revised.

Echo

Laying bare on moonlit water,
Swaying with gentle breeze.
Say, in every shell living a soul?
Nay, there's nothing but an echo.

Hi, PoetCraft!

Excellent poem... however, I must say that it seems to me a couple of the words in the third line should be transposed, to read something like "Say, in every shell A LIVING soul?".  Just my two cents.  Otherwise, I really enjoyed reading it!

[Wex]

Being a fan of short poetry this appeals to me, however I have two nits- the second line reads as a cliche and the introduction of echo in the last line throws me off. I'll try and explain — I love the opening line and tone, I can picture it quite readily- the second line, I've heard a thousand times and I think you can rework it to be stronger. I like the question being asked in the third line but then the final line introduces the concept of echo, is this really the word you're looking for, to me it doesn't work (maybe I'm dense : An echo of what, the soul? How does a soul sound? I think the word breeze would work better in the final line instead of echo to portray the emptiness.

Overall I enjoyed the concept and tone and think it's a solid piece of writing.

[billy]

sorry for getting here late, i'll comment on the revised version, it's much better but it would help if revisions and original poem were in the same first post for comparison. you could have played with the title echo, echo, echo. just a suggestion. in general the poem is pretty flat and pretty weak in expressing the echo. what's laying bare? the 2nd line is somewhat bland and cliche. i'm struggling to understand the third line.

Revised.

Echo

Laying bare on moonlit water,
Swaying with gentle breeze.
Say, in every shell living a soul?
Nay, there's nothing but an echo. why use nay?

[GordonBillett]

Hi! I love the concept, as others have said. My favorite Pink Floyd Song is "Echoes" so I personally revel in this theme.
As far as modifications go, I'd say that "Say, in every shell a living soul?" might have a bit more pace and rhythm to it as opposed to "Say, in every shell living a soul?" I also feel that it attacks the intuitively-understood concept of our souls inhabiting a corporeal body. 
Just a suggestion though. Thank you for sharing!  

[sapril]

New and firstly, thanks for sharing your work. Short poems, I find to be difficult to manage. They have to give a strong emotional reaction so they need to have a new perspective on word play. They need to reach out. This poem I find, as some of the others seemed to as well, relies heavily on very tired imagery of water being the gentle maternal hug. "laying bare on moonlit water"
I almost would more believe "dove into the nights black waters" because it sets up the questions of souls and the idea of being a seeker better.
I adore how you took all the suggestions and played around with them, shows an mind open to possibilities.

[poet-rice]

Echo

Laying bare on moonlit water,
Swaying with gentle breeze.
Say, in every shell living a soul?
Nay, there's nothing but an echo.

I can see a definite idea/thematic concern here, however, at times the structure feels strained.
I think the poem would benefit from a stronger pace or rhythm to ameliorate the rigidity of
the at times incoherent syllabic movement. The Lay / Sway / Say / Nay rhyme shows good 
appreciation of assonance and adds greatly to the soft, gentle imagery but this is contradicted 
when troubled word order is employed, particularly in the third line. I look forward to the direction
of this poem being strengthened as it shows many conceptual possibilities. 

Thanks for writing,

Poet-rice

[maximuswolf]

It has a feel of common terms trying to make a simple concept a complex theme.  The 3rd line doesn't work for me, maybe switch some of the words.  Find it strains me to grasp your intent, Sometimes even switching sentences around helps me....as such, starting off with the question.


Say., in every shell living a soul?
Nay, there's nothing but an echo.
Laying bare on moonlit water,
Swaying with gentle breeze

[dared]

Revised.

Echo

Laying bare on moonlit water, 
Swaying with gentle breeze. Are you swaying, or is it the water? Because water doesn't sway as much as ripple. On closer revision, it's clear that you are the one swaying. But I think the line itself doesn't make sense if so, it'd be better to say "swaying in the gentle breeze". 
Say, in every shell living a soul? Grammatically incorrect. 
Nay, there's nothing but an echo. The best line.

It's promising, but it's much harder to edit a small poem like this one than a bit lengthier one. You also have a rhyme scheme so it's even harder to edit. Good attempt but it has flaws.

[Erthona]

Laying bare on moonlit water,
Swaying with gentle breeze.
Say, in every shell living a soul?
Nay, there's nothing but an echo.

How does one sway to gentle breeze on water? What is it that does that and what does that have to do with the last two lines?

Why the syntactical aberration in line 3? Why not,

"Is there a living soul in every shell?
No, nothing but an echo!" or some such.

If you wish to make this a metaphor of the human condition in terms of conscious reality, I think you will need to expand upon it some. At the moment there is only this vague connection/suggestion that has little to support it. Besides the fact that you are asking the question undercuts your argument. An echo could not pose the question of self existence. So in this case you have missed the mark in terms of trying to achieve something poetically similar to a koan. Personally I don't think such things translates very well into to poetry. It would be difficult enough to create a koan and state it clearly, let alone turn it into poetry.

best,


dale