Early bird feeds the worms.

[Genuinebloke]

I put this light-hearted piece together after meeting my mother-in-law's new chicks. 
Let me know what you think :-)


Early bird feeds the worms.
 
The first chick to hatch
Was christened by the children
Lulu, first of her name.
 
Though three promptly followed
No more names were issued
Until destiny swooped
To earmark; coop or stove.
 
Full plumage erupted
Necks stretched to wringing length
And resplendent crests showed
Us, the cocks from the hens.
 
So Lulu made the plate
His girls were sent to lay
The key to long and sheltered life?
Be a cockerel, nay.

[ellajam]

Hi, GB, welcome to the Pen. I enjoyed this one. I'm not so sure about the title, cute but they don't end up on the compost pile. A few notes are below.

I put this light-hearted piece together after meeting my mother-in-law's new chicks.
Let me know what you think :-)


Early bird feeds the worms.

The first chick to hatch
Was christened by the children colon after children? not necessary, just a thought.
Lulu, first of her name.
I like the dignity (alas, misplaced) of first of her name.

Though three promptly followed
No more names were issued
Until destiny swooped
To earmark; coop or stove.
I like the sound of followed/issued, swoop/coop.

Full plumage erupted
Necks stretched to wringing length Smiled at this line.
And resplendent crests showed
Us, the cocks from the hens.
I could do without "us", otherwise beautifully descriptive.

So Lulu made the plate
His girls were sent to lay
The key to long and sheltered life?
Be a cockerel, nay.
Strong ending.

One other thing, I wonder what you think the poem gains by capitalizing each line. The poem has some old-fashioned language so it may suit, it might be me that find capitals to start sentences a smoother read.

Thanks for posting this, a fun poem.

[Genuinebloke]

Hi, GB, welcome to the Pen. I enjoyed this one. I'm not so sure about the title, cute but they don't end up on the compost pile. A few notes are below.

I put this light-hearted piece together after meeting my mother-in-law's new chicks.
Let me know what you think :-)


Early bird feeds the worms.

The first chick to hatch
Was christened by the children colon after children? not necessary, just a thought.
Lulu, first of her name.
I like the dignity (alas, misplaced) of first of her name.

Though three promptly followed
No more names were issued
Until destiny swooped
To earmark; coop or stove.
I like the sound of followed/issued, swoop/coop.

Full plumage erupted
Necks stretched to wringing length Smiled at this line.
And resplendent crests showed
Us, the cocks from the hens.
I could do without "us", otherwise beautifully descriptive.

So Lulu made the plate
His girls were sent to lay
The key to long and sheltered life?
Be a cockerel, nay.
Strong ending.

One other thing, I wonder what you think the poem gains by capitalizing each line. The poem has some old-fashioned language so it may suit, it might be me that find capitals to start sentences a smoother read.

Thanks for posting this, a fun poem.

Thank you Ellajam. You make very good points. I actually laid down the title before writing the piece and you are right, it does not match what I ended up with. I will look at that again :-)

Capitalisation is something I am still unsure of generally. When young, I was told that all lines should start with cap's, though it is clear that poetry has changed a lot since then. I will do a bit more reading around on that subject.

[Southern Scarab]

I put this light-hearted piece together after meeting my mother-in-law's new chicks. 
Let me know what you think :-)


Early bird feeds the worms.
 
The first chick to hatch
Was christened by the children
Lulu, first of her name.
 
Though three promptly followed
No more names were issued
Until destiny swooped
To earmark; coop or stove.
 
Full plumage erupted
Necks stretched to wringing length
And resplendent crests showed
Us, the cocks from the hens.
 
So Lulu made the plate
His girls were sent to lay
The key to long and sheltered life?
Be a cockerel, nay.

Very beautiful. You use a lot of antiquated language but you really pull it off. I am confused by the 'he' in the second line of the last stanza. I'm not for sure who it references. Thanks for the read

[makeshift]

I put this light-hearted piece together after meeting my mother-in-law's new chicks. 
Let me know what you think :-)


Early bird feeds the worms. Subversive
 
The first chick to hatch
Was christened by the children
Lulu, first of her name. Idk about "first of her name" its funny because it feels too formal for a chicken, but maybe its out of place?
 
Though three promptly followed I could see this line functioning fine w/o "though"
No more names were issued
Until destiny swooped Swooped is a great adjective here, especially for destiny. Its unexpected, references the chickens movement, and somehow feels authentic. 
To earmark; coop or stove. I get the gist of what this stanza means I think, but this last line does feel confused. Hopefully i'm not being dim here.
 
Full plumage erupted
Necks stretched to wringing length
And resplendent crests showed
Us, the cocks from the hens.  This stanza has the most colorful language, its heated. Peasant to read.
 
So Lulu made the plate
His girls were sent to lay
The key to long and sheltered life?
Be a cockerel, nay. Its a tidy little poem with a tidy ending. There is a whimsy feel here for sure, I suspect due to the subject matter, and rhyming. Well slaughter isn't too whimsical I guess lol The syntax of this last line feels weird, to comic effect. I enjoyed taking our young cockerels journey, first is worst I guess.

Thnx for sharing your poem, I enjoyed reading it and hope you get something from my comments.

[dared]

Early bird feeds the worms.
 
The first chick to hatch
Was christened by the children
Lulu, first of her name.
Nicely playful to announce his name. But it did get me confused if it's he or she because I think he is being referenced as a cockerel? Just a bit confusing but that may be your intent with the playful tone.

Though three promptly followed
No more names were issued
Until destiny swooped
To earmark; coop or stove.

Honestly, a bit confused here again, I'm guessing they just got named to earmark/coop/stove? Or is it what happens to them?
 
Full plumage erupted Love the imagery so I guess this is when lulu becomes a man.
Necks stretched to wringing length Ready to be beheaded huh?
And resplendent crests showed
Us, the cocks from the hens.
 
So Lulu made the plate
His girls were sent to lay
The key to long and sheltered life?
Be a cockerel, nay. Nice ending, though could possibly play up the bitter ending of it, just to contrast with the humour to make it pack a bit of punch. Not to make people cry or anything, but just to hit a bit harder.

Overall a good read. A bit ambiguous or archaic in language but it worked in this poem due to the humorous nature of it. I think maybe a bit of clarity would be good though, just a bit more in-depth to make it more accessible.