Parted (Edit #1)

[UselessBlueprint]

Edit #1

I have a precious picture
on my crowded shelf,
drawn by a former lover,
in which a crown
sits on my head,
a king.

I must study it,
keep it close like my phone,
there on the shelf, by the cordial invitation
to the dance where we shared our last kiss.

You, having parted from my side,
prefer to erase that past.


Original

There is a picture
on my shelf,
made by a former lover,
in which a crown
sits on my head
as it would on a king.

She, having parted from my side,
prefers to erase that past.

I must acknowledge
it, keep it close, there
on my shelf, beside the cordial invitation
to the party where we had our last kiss.

[Achebe]

Hi Useless (an odd salutation...) - 

1. do you mean 'taken' by a former lover? 'made' suggests a painting. EDIT: sorry, I suppose you meant a picture and not a photo. I just automatically assumed it was a photo. Not warranted.
2. how else would a crown sit on someone's head than as on a king's? the simile is weak.
3. The line breaks don't correspond to a pause in thought or speech
4. Combined with (3), the enjambments look quite arbitrary.
5. Since you've already disclosed that your lover is no longer with you, the 'last kiss' comes across as just a regular factoid. There is no surprise / punch, if that was what you were aiming for.

[ellajam]

Hi, UB, running with Achebe's #5, some suggestions below.

There is a picture
on my shelf, You might use a descriptive before shelf, develope the setting.
made by a former lover, You could drop "former" and leave that disconnection for later, develope some emotion first so I feel the pain of the loss.
in which a crown
sits on my head
as it would on a king. I would comma after head and have this line just "a king." The "as it would be" just washes out the emotion from an interesting image and strong spark of ideas, how she must have loved, idolized or felted enslaved by you, many possibilities here, nice.

She, having parted from my side,
prefers to erase that past.
These lines are weak for me, they seem to read her mind when you no longer know it but the erase is nice vs the pic she made, if you want to explore this I would drop it to the end.

I must acknowledge
it, keep it close, there
on my shelf, beside the cordial invitation
to the party where we had our last kiss.
"I...shelf" don't add anything for me and weakens the impact. The idea of an end at a public event is interesting, for me implies a less intimate relationship than the N perceives, interesting.

You've got something to work with here if you want to pare down the words that don't add something, or make them add something, and develope your image a bit more. Good luck with it.

[dukealien]

A few notes from another novice at free verse.

1. There is a picture  perhaps "a picture stands"
   
2. on my shelf,
   
3. made by a former lover,  perhaps "painted" rather than made?
   
4. in which a crown
   
5. sits on my head  perhaps "rests on" or "surmounts" (with "as it would a king's" in L6)
   
6. as it would on a king.
   
   
7. She, having parted from my side,
   
8. prefers to erase that past.
   
   
9. I must acknowledge
   
10. it, keep it close, there
    
11. on my shelf, beside the cordial invitation
    
12. to the party where we had our last kiss.  this is a big line - think of "shared" in place of "had" but then press on
    

Your meaning is clear and interesting.  Without (yet) reading other critiques, my basic suggestion would be to use more active and less generalized or common words.  It looks as though this could also shorten some lines, or make it possible to combine them, without losing meaning or rhythm.

In L7-8, "parted" suggests (to me) a splitting group - "we parted" - where "she" and "side" are already apart.  Perhaps a different expression, "She, having seen me off/prefers..."

Keep editing and rearranging; once you've found th better word, see what else it changes, then return to find if that suggests an even better one.

An enjoyable poem.  Has sparks; with more edits, could sparkle.

[UselessBlueprint]

Thank you all for the critique. I'm still not sure if I am adding onto the end of this or not, because anything beyond this point feels forced right now. For now, I will try to clarify these lines before adding on.
Notes on the first edit.

S1 -- Partially clarified the medium of the picture. Reworked final line to ellajam's suggestion. Small changes/additions/rephrasing.

Switched S2 and S3 positions.

Edited S2 -- Attempted to tie the emotional and mental elements to a more physical setting.

Edited S3 -- "She" changed to "You"

[Lizzie]

Hi UselessBlueprint! I have a couple of thoughts for you:

Edit #1

I have a precious picture -- I'm not sure you need the modifier "precious." It's in a special place on the shelf, you keep it close like the phone, you've shown the preciousness and I think stating it here just seems obvious.
on my crowded shelf, -- Why crowded? What other things are there? Did you have to squeeze out other things to put it there?
drawn by a former lover,
in which a crown
sits on my head,
a king. -- I think "like I was a king" might read better. The idea is that the person made the speaker feel like a king, yes?

I must study it,
keep it close like my phone, -- I like the obsessional feel here. It feels true to what love is like
there on the shelf, by the cordial invitation -- LOVE 'cordial invitation to the dance.' I can visualize the invitation right there next to the picture.
to the dance where we shared our last kiss. -- This works, yet last kiss feels like it's been done already. Is there another symbol of love that you could add in to make it feel a little more like the love was a unique one? It's a minor thing.

You, having parted from my side,
prefer to erase that past. -- I'd like to see another word instead of erase, something that ties in with the kingship theme, the love theme, the dance theme. Almost like the speaker is being dis-invited to his own past.

I hope you keep going -- I think that this one is an improvement on the original.

Hope something here helps!

lizziep

[UselessBlueprint]

@lizziep
I'm not sure I have enough reason to exclude the word "precious" yet, as it places something slightly more than a sentimental value on the object. I guess I want to put more emphasis on the physical-ness of the picture, rather than just an image.
The shelf is crowded, yes. What is on it? Stuff. Did I have to squeeze stuff out? It would certainly seem like it.
"like I was a king" could work. Less wordy than the original, while mostly preserving the intention (certainly more than ellajam's suggestion, which I have since moved away from).

The cordial invitation was a forced image, but I liked the meaning of the words, so I had to keep it.
As far as the last kiss goes, it's a shameless cliche for me, regarding this particular subject, as the relationship being discussed was really not very unique.
And for the word erase, I don't know. I like writing in circles and semicircles sometimes, so that seemed to be a proper counteraction to the drawing of the picture. Definitely a part to look over in future revisits, however. My main goal when I do revisit this, however, is trimming and compression.

[cvanshelton]

Edit #1

I have a precious picture - I like the repetition of the "p" sound here - it makes for a nice flow.
on my crowded shelf, - I like the imagery of a crowded shelf, but why have something precious on a shelf crowded with other things? Are all things on the shelf precious? If not, maybe the picture deserves its own space? As a reader, I got stuck there.
drawn by a former lover, -Here I like the "r" sounds. They give a droning quality that conveys sadness/missing which adds to the theme.
in which a crown
sits on my head, - This all reads a little prosey to me. I am conflicted about it, because I know where you are going, however, I keep looking for a little something...like a bite that lacks a little salt.
a king. - This was a good way to end the stanza - and that she was the one that put the crown there and made you a king...interesting. The power play (the subtext) is nice. Who is more powerful, the king or the one who makes the king? Obvious that you were more her subject than ruler.

I must study it, - This was confusing. Why "must" you? What will studying it yield?
keep it close like my phone, - This might be inconsistent with the first stanza where you keep it on a crowded shelf. I assume you keep your phone with you, on your person, most of the time - at least when you are out and about. You might want to adjust one or the other - and I would lose the crowded shelf. I also think the sonics in this line are much better than the previous shelf line.
there on the shelf, by the cordial invitation - I like that you put "cordial" invitation. It is dialectic to everything else in the poem, and it resonates.
to the dance where we shared our last kiss. - Again, as a matter of taste, a little one the prosey side for me. You have already acknowledged the cliche evident here.

You, having parted from my side, - Here, I wondered if there was ever a side by side thing going on. Clearly, she was the kingmaker. From what you have written in the poem, she seems to have kept you a step or two behind her.
prefer to erase that past. - Again, prosey and cliche.

It was fun to read, and the subject resonates with everyone.
One more quick thought - To make this more accessible, change the first and second person singular pronouns to third person. We all become observers together, and it removes the self indulgent quality that always accompanies poems about "I" and "you".

[UselessBlueprint]

@cvanshelton A number of valid points there. Yes, everything on the shelf is precious. I was hoping the implication would be obvious enough.
It lacks salt to you? A little bland, perhaps? That should be a good thing. Might say something about the subject.
Good that you notice the power play as well. In my drafts, I included that the speaker identified as prince, not a king, but wore the crown of king anyway. I may need to work that back in.
"Study" is probably not the best word. Noted. I will go over that in the future.
As far as keeping it close, this might deserve a change, but you should still be able to reconcile a physical way for someone to keep a picture on their person at all times.
Couldn't pass up the use of the word "cordial" there.
You may be overthinking that power play, however.

@eric_never Sorry, didn't see this earlier. While it is not directly mentioned, the image of the shelf I had in mind is full of gifts from the lover, so all of them would be precious to the speaker. I can't say that I intended the second stanza to ironic, specifically. It's fine if it's there, however, just that irony was not the purpose.

[stampede331]

I was just wondering what effect you think switching the order of the first two lines would have in terms of the building of suspense. The last line was unexpected. I'm not sure if that was intended. I enjoyed the read.

[SethFiction]

Perhaps work on the "King" theme a bit more, and dive into the complexities of what it means to be a king in relation to having a relationship. I think your themes are a bit muddled and vague and could use some more vivid imagery.

[nikkisto]

I have to say that I love the first bit. It drew me in in such a clean and simple say. You had my heartstrings at the first. I dare to disagree with Achebe that the simile is weak, as I felt the imagarey. It solidified an image in my head, cute drawn little crown hahaha I wonder about your end, though, it moves quickly as a piece from a cherished image but I feel more of an end. Their parting speaks away from the writer just at the time we get to know the writer. Just food for thought, ??

Edit #1

I have a precious picture
on my crowded shelf,
drawn by a former lover,
in which a crown
sits on my head,
a king.

I must study it,
keep it close like my phone,
there on the shelf, by the cordial invitation
to the dance where we shared our last kiss.

You, having parted from my side,
prefer to erase that past.


Original

There is a picture
on my shelf,
made by a former lover,
in which a crown
sits on my head
as it would on a king.

She, having parted from my side,
prefers to erase that past.

I must acknowledge
it, keep it close, there
on my shelf, beside the cordial invitation
to the party where we had our last kiss.

[djNasty]

Edit #1

I have a precious picture
on my crowded shelf,
drawn by a former lover,
in which a crown
sits on my head,
a king.

I must study it, Study is an interesting choice of words. Study has a feeling of detachment. It seems too technical a word when trying to describe a break up.
keep it close like my phone,
there on the shelf, by the cordial invitation
to the dance where we shared our last kiss. This stanza does a great job of bringing up those sentimental feelings of having a first love. You paint a picture of losing a first love. 

You, having parted from my side,
prefer to erase that past. Why would they prefer to erase the past, or have they?

 [b]I think it help to describe why this picture you keep close is so precious. You brought me back to a place back when I first started dealing with the fresh new feelings of love and longing in my adolescence. It reminds me the desperation to not let go of someone who has clearly let go of you. [/b]