Redshirts (Revision)

[Todd]

Revision

We chose security over science,
and draped in blood, die bloodless
under the not-blue 
sky. Ever dowsing rods
to child gods—whose first contact
is our last—inexorable lodestones
for every rogue android
that needs to understand
how humans work.
There is a light that blossoms
orange within our chests,
till we are cinders
within this sack of sparks,

only ever last names.

~~~
Revision Notes: Thank you Nick, Keith, and Akira. I'm still considering some of your comments but made some initial changes that I decided to post--as with all revision, hopefully this is a forward step. Thanks


Original

We chose security over science,
and draped in blood die bloodless
under the not-blue
sky. We are dowsing rods
to child gods and rogue androids.
There is a light that blossoms
orange within our chests,
till we are cinders
within this sack of sparks,

only ever last names.

[Brujo]

oooooh Star Trek theme!  Here are some of my thoughts:  

We chose security over science, 
and draped in blood die bloodless  -blood dyed bloodless? or blood dying bloodless?
under the not-blue ----I like the break here
sky. We are dowsing rods
to child gods and rogue androids.
Yet there is a light that blossoms--Poem takes a different tone here from hardship to a noble bravery
orange within our chests,               maybe could  transfer more smoothly.
till we are cinders
within this sack of sparks,

only ever last names.    

Nice poem Todd.  At first I read this and thought it was commenting on the corporate/labor dynamic.  I thought of when I worked at Toys R Us and had to wear a Red Shirt putting up with a lot of shit while receiving little credit.   Though there we were only the first names on our nametag... Anyway, I suppose that's not too far off from star trek rank dynamic.

Best,

-Nick

[Keith]

We chose security over science,
and draped in blood die bloodless
under the not-blue
sky. We are dowsing rods
to child gods and rogue androids. These lines are superb, but the double hit on the image takes away the first it may be better to introduce rogue androids separately
There is a light that blossoms
orange within our chests,
till we are cinders
within this sack of sparks, this is such a good line

only ever last names.

Oh so sad, one lost so early in the story, the title works really hard and has a double hit when draped in blood, I hadn't thought of star trek but I guess it also fits the title and theme so I may be missing something, the line breaks are spot on and a lesson to us all, I like the switch upbeat of still having each other, it makes the drop much deeper for the end line, I also enjoyed the robotic interplay throughout, a well crafted poem indeed. Keith

[Akira]

Good fun.

We chose security over science,
and draped in blood die bloodless    this didn't bother me, but commas could clarify
under the not-blue 
sky. We are dowsing rods             Not saying you should, but I wondered when I read about connecting these/cutting out the "We are", so not-blue sky, dowsing rods to .....
to child gods and rogue androids.
There is a light that blossoms
orange within our chests,
till we are cinders
within this sack of sparks,
                                          I usually like breaks, not sure if this one accomplishes much
only ever last names.           This is most likely personal preference, but perhaps ever only instead of the only ever

[Todd]

oooooh Star Trek theme!  Here are some of my thoughts:  

We chose security over science, 
and draped in blood die bloodless  -blood dyed bloodless? or blood dying bloodless?
under the not-blue ----I like the break here
sky. We are dowsing rods
to child gods and rogue androids.
Yet there is a light that blossoms--Poem takes a different tone here from hardship to a noble bravery
orange within our chests,               maybe could  transfer more smoothly.
till we are cinders
within this sack of sparks,

only ever last names.    

Nice poem Todd.  At first I read this and thought it was commenting on the corporate/labor dynamic.  I thought of when I worked at Toys R Us and had to wear a Red Shirt putting up with a lot of shit while receiving little credit.   Though there we were only the first names on our nametag... Anyway, I suppose that's not too far off from star trek rank dynamic.

Best,

-Nick

Hi Nick,

I appreciate the comments. I see what you did with the transition its worth thinking about. I also considered a strophe break, but was reluctant with such a small piece. I think I'm already running the risk of drawing too much attention with the break before the final line. I'll give some thought also to cleaning up line 2 a bit. I know Akira mentioned an element of that line too.

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

We chose security over science,
and draped in blood die bloodless
under the not-blue
sky. We are dowsing rods
to child gods and rogue androids. These lines are superb, but the double hit on the image takes away the first it may be better to introduce rogue androids separately
There is a light that blossoms
orange within our chests,
till we are cinders
within this sack of sparks, this is such a good line

only ever last names.

Oh so sad, one lost so early in the story, the title works really hard and has a double hit when draped in blood, I hadn't thought of star trek but I guess it also fits the title and theme so I may be missing something, the line breaks are spot on and a lesson to us all, I like the switch upbeat of still having each other, it makes the drop much deeper for the end line, I also enjoyed the robotic interplay throughout, a well crafted poem indeed. Keith

Hi Keith,

Appreciate the comments especially your insight on the placement of the android part. I have to give it some more thought but I think you make a good point--too much of this feeling like a series (gods, android, etc) may strip the individual components of their power. 

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

Good fun.

We chose security over science,
and draped in blood die bloodless    this didn't bother me, but commas could clarify
under the not-blue 
sky. We are dowsing rods             Not saying you should, but I wondered when I read about connecting these/cutting out the "We are", so not-blue sky, dowsing rods to .....
to child gods and rogue androids.
There is a light that blossoms
orange within our chests,
till we are cinders
within this sack of sparks,
                                          I usually like breaks, not sure if this one accomplishes much
only ever last names.           This is most likely personal preference, but perhaps ever only instead of the only ever

Hi Akira,

Appreciate your time and comments. Yes I may need to punctuate differently in L2. I was conscience of the amount of "we are's" so any way to cut that back would probably be an enhancement. I'll give some more consideration to the white space, and onlyevereveronly--It probably is a preference but I'll try to listen to what sounds better to my ear and use that in the next revision. Again, very helpful. Thank you.

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

I put up a revision. Hopefully, its moving in the right direction.

[Brujo]

Revision

We chose security over science,
and draped in blood, die bloodless
under the not-blue 
sky. Ever dowsing rods
to child gods—whose first contact   These three lines are my favorite
is our last—inexorable lodestones  <--- excellent addition 
for every rogue android
that needs to understand
how humans work.  I still feel something is missing between this line and the next
There is a light that blossoms
orange within our chests,
till we are cinders
within this sack of sparks,
re-thinking this space before the last line, maybe a bit too dramatic?  Maybe could be replaced with an additional line of text to connect these lines together. 
only ever last names.

I dig the changes you made Todd.  I think this is decent as it is now.  Some of my comments may just be a personal preferences.  

Best,
Nick

[RiverNotch]

We chose security over science,
and draped in blood, die bloodless
under the not-blue First three lines are strong. Comma between blood and die makes a difference, yes.
sky. Ever dowsing rods
to child gods—whose first contact
is our last—inexorable lodestones Don't see why the separation between first contact and child gods must be an em dash. I find the lack of completion in this sentence and the weight of the word "inexorable" a bit detracting. As much as the slight addition to the imagery is welcome, I think the dowsing rod image was already perfect for both elements of strangeness, so in fact, "lodestone" too is too much, for me. Perhaps:

sky, we dowsing rods
to child gods and
rogue androids seeking

with the details you added here, the first contact and the human understanding, being after the gerund replacing the what-to-me-sounds-awkward "that needs".
for every rogue android
that needs to understand
how humans work.
There is a light that blossoms Agreed with earlier comment, that though economy is good, "yet" (or "but", to taste) would add force to the contrast.
orange within our chests, The only awkwardness here for me is how close red and orange are, though soundwise this and the rest are good.
till we are cinders
within this sack of sparks,

only ever last names. I think the white space is effective emphasis, especially for a poem that has little to offer (though what little thing is offered is quite novel, at least for me) -- removing it might make this more, er, economical, but also less forceful.

Very, very close to being perfect, or perfect enough for the subject. Lovely.

[Todd]

Revision

We chose security over science,
and draped in blood, die bloodless
under the not-blue 
sky. Ever dowsing rods
to child gods—whose first contact   These three lines are my favorite
is our last—inexorable lodestones  <--- excellent addition 
for every rogue android
that needs to understand
how humans work.  I still feel something is missing between this line and the next
There is a light that blossoms
orange within our chests,
till we are cinders
within this sack of sparks,
re-thinking this space before the last line, maybe a bit too dramatic?  Maybe could be replaced with an additional line of text to connect these lines together. 
only ever last names.

I dig the changes you made Todd.  I think this is decent as it is now.  Some of my comments may just be a personal preferences.  

Best,
Nick

Hi Nick,

I appreciate you following up with the revision. I will have to look at the transition on this pass, and see what I think about it. I think that's probably the next area of triage.

Thanks again,

Todd

[Todd]

We chose security over science,
and draped in blood, die bloodless
under the not-blue First three lines are strong. Comma between blood and die makes a difference, yes.
sky. Ever dowsing rods
to child gods—whose first contact
is our last—inexorable lodestones Don't see why the separation between first contact and child gods must be an em dash. I find the lack of completion in this sentence and the weight of the word "inexorable" a bit detracting. As much as the slight addition to the imagery is welcome, I think the dowsing rod image was already perfect for both elements of strangeness, so in fact, "lodestone" too is too much, for me. Perhaps:

sky, we dowsing rods
to child gods and
rogue androids seeking

with the details you added here, the first contact and the human understanding, being after the gerund replacing the what-to-me-sounds-awkward "that needs".
for every rogue android
that needs to understand
how humans work.
There is a light that blossoms Agreed with earlier comment, that though economy is good, "yet" (or "but", to taste) would add force to the contrast.
orange within our chests, The only awkwardness here for me is how close red and orange are, though soundwise this and the rest are good.
till we are cinders
within this sack of sparks,

only ever last names. I think the white space is effective emphasis, especially for a poem that has little to offer (though what little thing is offered is quite novel, at least for me) -- removing it might make this more, er, economical, but also less forceful.

Very, very close to being perfect, or perfect enough for the subject. Lovely.

Hi RN, Thank you for taking the time with this one. Appreciate the feedback on what is and is not working for you. Good catch on that needs. I'll needs (kidding)--I'll need to review that entire section. Yes, the emdash probably isn't getting me what I want. Very helpful comments throughout. Thanks.

Best,

Todd