Solstice

[Akira]

I count the people that stumble crossing 
between, through and above the dark packs of snow 
lining the edges of city blocks
and storefronts warmed by insect-like
chatter from guided bodies and a half-broken radio;
and she is a little light taken by hand, the only observer
left in this squeezed sponge of a community,
eyes agape and head spinning 
as winter plays peek-a-boo with
its last fan.

[billy]

i can't see much wrong here. after the initial read i thought more punctuation, after a few more reads i saw that it works as is, for me the poem is best read out load. [by the reader] i know we say that about all poetry but this one really benefits from the pauses. the run-on sentences do add to the reading.

I count the people that stumble crossing 
between, through and above the dark packs of snow 
lining the edges of city blocks the pause here makes me want to see a period and the next line makes makes me forget about the period. now i want to see a semi colon but after a few sec's thought it just feels like good enjambment; same with the line below.
and storefronts warmed by insect-like
chatter from guided bodies and a half-broken radio; my fave line chatter is a perfect word choice considering the time of year and it's affectation
and she is a little light taken by hand, the only observer
left in this squeezed sponge of a community,
eyes agape and head spinning 
as winter plays peek-a-boo with
it’s last fan.

[ellajam]

Hi, Akira, I've been enjoying this, strong images throughout, a solid yet airy read. Some notes below.

I count the people that stumble crossing
between, through and above the dark packs of snow
lining the edges of city blocks I'm fully in that place.
and storefronts warmed by insect-like
chatter from guided bodies and a half-broken radio; Guided bodies is my only nit, I just can't get my head around it and the sonics jolt.
and she is a little light taken by hand, the only observer I love the use of "light", it opens a whole bunch of possibilities for this line.
left in this squeezed sponge of a community, Also thought provoking.
eyes agape and head spinning
as winter plays peek-a-boo with I wouldn't have broken on with but I like it, it plays peekaboo with the last line.
its last fan.

There's an appealing completeness to this, the image sticks and there are openings to wander a bit. Thanks for posting it, lovely.

[Erthona]

This is a nice image picture, unfortunately it reads like a run-on sentence, which it is. I see at least three sentences here. I see no reason for the rush, the poem does not imply "rush", and in fact one loses some of the more colorful and visual aspects by going through it so fast.


Best,


dale

[Akira]

Thanks for the feedback. 

Billy, I wondered on that spot (l3) too; ending/punctuating it would also address at least part of the point Erthona brought up. Going to have play with it and see what sticks. 

Ellajam: "guided" was the word I was stuck on the most, it wasn't what I wanted but I was struggling a bit with a substitute that didn't turn into another line or a cliche. Hopefully, as I tinker one will come to me ;-)

Erthona: Yep. Funny thing is, I often make the same point, and then, sipping my hypocrisy on the rocks, do it myself.