Posts: 443
Threads: 99
Joined: Sep 2013
Her mind has him—
surrounded
Between them,
they share a cigarette
Woman inhales, proof
she still breathes
Woman sees alone,
sees a kiss on her mouth
Woman hears a voice,
sees a mouth move
Woman watches “I should
be going"
going
through the door
feels herself being born
much too late
Posts: 750
Threads: 407
Joined: May 2014
Hey 71. I like the feel of this. It's as though she watching from outside, removed from herself. Some parts are unclear.
(01-29-2016, 03:10 AM)71degrees Wrote: Her mind has him— I think this enjambment is strong enough without the em dash
surrounded
Between them,
they share a cigarette a little redundant
Woman inhales, proof
she still breathes
Woman sees alone, this line is unclear
sees a kiss on her mouth
(Woman) hears a voice,
sees a mouth move
(Woman) watches “I should I think "woman" repeated loses effect quickly - try reading it aloud with the 3rd and 4th instances cut.
be going"
going
through the door
feels herself being born
much too late
Hope some of that helps. Thanks for the read,
Paul
Her mind has him—
surrounded
--I like the visualization this projects. I can relate to this ---
Between them,
they share a cigarette
Woman inhales, proof
she still breathes
--I picture her being in pain. Is she doing this due to her unhappiness? What leads her to this? ''Proof she still breathes'' gives it the dramatic effect that pushes me to read more. I like this ---
Woman sees alone,
sees a kiss on her mouth
- Didn't really like the execution of this. The wording seems a bit off, not so sure ---
Woman hears a voice,
sees a mouth move
Woman watches “I should
be going"
--Climax. It looks like she is about to get caught --
going
through the door
feels herself being born
much too late
- Very nice closer. I like the delivery of this. I like the 'reborn' added to it. The feel of regret? ---
Over all - Nice little piece here. I would have possibly changed the stanza I wasn't feeling to familiar with. Other than that solid work.
Posts: 443
Threads: 99
Joined: Sep 2013
(01-29-2016, 03:47 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Hey 71. I like the feel of this. It's as though she watching from outside, removed from herself. Some parts are unclear.
(01-29-2016, 03:10 AM)71degrees Wrote: Her mind has him— I think this enjambment is strong enough without the em dash
surrounded
Between them,
they share a cigarette a little redundant
Woman inhales, proof
she still breathes
Woman sees alone, this line is unclear
sees a kiss on her mouth
(Woman) hears a voice,
sees a mouth move
(Woman) watches “I should I think "woman" repeated loses effect quickly - try reading it aloud with the 3rd and 4th instances cut.
be going"
going
through the door
feels herself being born
much too late
Hope some of that helps. Thanks for the read,
Paul
Some of it does. Thank you.
(01-31-2016, 02:48 PM)slecht Wrote: Her mind has him—
surrounded
--I like the visualization this projects. I can relate to this ---
Between them,
they share a cigarette
Woman inhales, proof
she still breathes
--I picture her being in pain. Is she doing this due to her unhappiness? What leads her to this? ''Proof she still breathes'' gives it the dramatic effect that pushes me to read more. I like this ---
Woman sees alone,
sees a kiss on her mouth
- Didn't really like the execution of this. The wording seems a bit off, not so sure ---
Woman hears a voice,
sees a mouth move
Woman watches “I should
be going"
--Climax. It looks like she is about to get caught --
going
through the door
feels herself being born
much too late
- Very nice closer. I like the delivery of this. I like the 'reborn' added to it. The feel of regret? ---
Over all - Nice little piece here. I would have possibly changed the stanza I wasn't feeling to familiar with. Other than that solid work.
Will probably do something w/the "alone" stanza since both you and Tiger the Lion have problems w/it. Thanks for the read and encouragement here.
