The Crow and the Girl
#1
The girl walking barefoot, for new ways she sought
found that the forest was infested with thought.
She saw the mouse first, just quivering fear
And the mouse said: "I beg of you, please don't come near!
You are so big, and I am so small,
and it might be that I am delicious and all
but it seems every creature on land and in air
wants to catch me and kill me and eat me. Not fair!
Too scared to go outside, dying of thirst.
All of them nasty! The hawk is the worst,"

The hawk drawing circles high up in the sky
saw mouse and girl talking with his sharp and strong eye.
He descended from blue and he folded his wings
and he spoke of freedom and hunger and things
and of hatchlings and death and of rights and of need,
for if not on the mouse, on what should he feed?
His conscience 's been bothering nevertheless.
He's been looking for answers, he had to confess.
He had asked the owl, but the owl didn't know,
so he was on his way now to talk with the crow.

They were just heading off to find the crows nest,
(after some debate they'd agreed to turn west,)
When a hum made them stop and walk back to a tree,
where they found the bedraggled busy buzzing bee.
"How hard is my life and my struggle untold,
collecting the pollen and nectar for gold
honey in combs for the queen and the brood,
and slaving and working and gathering food.
And at the end of the day it is all for the bear!
He came and ate all, I tell you, it's not fair!"

"I might aswell stop here and now rest my case,
for this world indeed is a terrible place."
Then with a roar which can make hearts tear
stumbling from the bush came a grief-stricken bear.
"I'm soooorry!", he hollered and fell on his knee
before the bewildered busy buzzing bee.
"Your honey 's delicious, my favourite thing
When I come to get it I know you will sting.
But then..awww the smell and the colour the taste!
I would do it again! But I do feel disgraced."

So they all joined each other and went on their way
To hear what the crow would have to say.
When with a snarl and a gnarl and a growl full of wrath
The ragged and jagged lone wolf crossed their path.
"Stay away from me! Homeless, will hurt you and bite.
I stay in the shadows, I stay out of sight,
for my pack, they all hate me, forsaken and black
I am destined to wander alone, without pack.
So, I'm hard and I'm hurtful, I'm tough and I'm grey
I warn you again, I'm in pain. Stay away!"

When the pack started howling, a frightening choir,
two voices ascended, one deep and one higher,
singing a song of a king and a stray,
and of fights and of rules which the wrong won't obey,
and of strength being weakened by wounds from the fight,
of protection and puppies, of wrong and of right.
Of bold hunters missing in imperative chase
and of risk and of danger, if the wrong granted grace.
But doubting their sentence they thought it'd be best,
if they'd joined the party on their search to crow's nest.

They were just heading west, walking together,
when they heard a noise like you hear from a feather.
and a scratch with a claw made everyone see
the crow, sitting on a dead, fallen tree.
The girl, she approached him, brought forward the case
of the mouse and the hawk, of the prey and the chase.
Where one of them 's starving, if the other won't die.
The crow heard it all, blinking one eye,
Then he ruffled his feathers and he tilted his head.
"But, we all are the same, if we're living or dead."

The girl carried on, for she wanted to care
bout the quarrel between the bee and the bear.
One's one only pleasure, the other one's pain.
The crow he jumped up, then he landed again,
and he stood on one leg, and he looked at the bee.
"All of us, we are one. I am him, she is me."
And what of safety for many endangered by one?
What of freedom, of pity? What can be done?
"I cannot say what's exactly to do
But there is no such thing as a `me´ and a `you´."

"They are us, too.", crow insistently said,
"Like water. And air." The girl nodded her head.
Then she reflected on things she had heard,
for she knew that the forest would await the crows word.
All the eyes and antennae, the claws, paws and wings,
were waiting to hear of wonders and things
were longing to hear the words of crow's song,
to finally differ what's right and what's wrong.
"So, what did the crow say?", asked anxiously hawk,
The girl replied smiling : "The crow? He said: `Squaaaaawk!´"
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#2
Hi, Pyrra, welcome to the Pen and thank you for the critiques you've given to others.

This is really fun to read and you keep it moving along very well. There are spots where for me it lost hold of its steady meter, and places where I think you've made word choices for meter's sake that could be improved upon. An example is "I am destined to wander alone, without pack." You could easily change it to "I am destined to wander alone with no pack." which for me reads better without changing meter or meaning.

If this is the type of help you'd like for your poem you might consider having it move at least to Mild, but if you'd prefer it here that's fine.

I think with a little more work this would tighten up beautifully. Thanks for posting it, a lovely read.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#3
I have posted it here, as I would like really any kind of feedback. Definatly where the meter is lost, maybe on the tenses (I just know I make mistakes there), take special care with the "that"s and "which"es and propably the different "of"s. I think, I also tend to put my "`" into the wrong places. I hope I have got all the spelling mistakes right now ... but maybe I missed some? Maybe some of my expressions are weird, please let me know! Oh...to make this even harder for you, you might have to take it into account, that I am trying to fake British English, and not American. I have not put the poem into Novice for being scared of "serious" critique, but because I value the less serious ones just as much. (The bee reminds you of your mum? Haha, really?! I'd like to know.) Really, I am not too bothered where in the forum the Crow and the Girl can be found.
I also wanted to ask: I have tried to stick to the classical unities to create more of a feeling of a fable or a theaterplay. Do you think I managed to do so? Do you think it makes sense to even try to do that in poem?
Reading through other critiques, there seems to be lot going on about capitalisation. Already when writing the poem I was thinking about putting a capital on all the animals; due to "correct writing" I have chosen to take the small letters. Do you think it would be better with capitals?
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#4
Hi Pyrra, I really like the energy that you've got going on with this poem, it bounces along nicely and the characters are wonderful. There are places where I was tripped up due to the metre but because this is the novice forum I can't really say too much and also because metre is not my strong point I'll stick more to what I know and also what you have specifically asked about. There really aren't that many spelling mistakes but the one's that I did find I've highlighted.

(12-31-2015, 02:48 AM)Pyrra Wrote:  The girl walking barefoot, for new ways she sought
found that the forest was infested with thought.
She saw the mouse first, just quivering fear
And the mouse said: "I beg of you, please don't come near!
You are so big, and I am so small,
and it might be that I am delicious and all
but it seems every creature on land and in air
wants to catch me and kill me and eat me. Not fair!
Too scared to go outside, dying of thirst.
All of them nasty! The hawk is the worst,"

The hawk drawing circles high up in the sky
saw mouse and girl talking with his sharp and strong eye.
He descended from blue and he folded his wings
and he spoke of freedom and hunger and things
and of hatchlings and death and of rights and of need,
for if not on the mouse, on what should he feed?
His conscience 's been bothering nevertheless.
He's been looking for answers, he had to confess.
He had asked the owl, but the owl didn't know,
so he was on his way now to talk with the crow.

They were just heading off to find the crows nest,
(after some debate they'd agreed to turn west,)
When a humm made them stop and walk back to a tree,
where they found the bedraggled busy buzzing bee.
"How hard is my life and my struggle untold,
collecting the pollen and nectar for gold
honey in combs for the queen and the brood,
and slaving and working and gathering food.
And at the end of the day it is all for the bear!
He came and ate all, I tell you, it's not fair!"

"I might aswell stop here and now rest my case,
for this world indeed is a terrible place."
Then with a roar which can make hearts tear
stumbling from the bush came a grief-stricken bear.
"I'm soooorry!", he hollered and fell on his knee
before the bewildered busy buzzing bee.
"Your honey 's delicious, my favourite thing -- I wouldn't usually point 'favorite' out as a spelling mistake because it is correct as it is American English, but because you mentioned about writing British English I thought I would mention it. Also because it is part of speech which includes the British English spelling of 'colour', so it kind of makes more sense to keep to one.
When I come to get it I know you will sting.
But then..awww the smell and the colour the taste!
I would do it again! But I do feel disgraced."

So they all joined each other and went on their way
To hear what the crow would have to say.
When with a snarl and a gnarl and a growl full of wrath
The ragged and jagged lone wolf crossed their path.
"Stay away from me! Homeless, will hurt you and bite.
I stay in the shadows, I stay out of sight,
for my pack, they all hate me, forsaken and black
I am destined to wander alone, without pack.
So, I'm hard and I'm hurtful, I'm tough and I'm grey
I warn you again, I'm in pain. Stay away!"

When the pack started howling, a frightening choir,
two voices ascended, one deep and one higher,
singing a song of a king and a stray,
and of fights and of rules which the wrong won't obey,
and of strength being weakened by wounds from the fight,
of protection and puppies, of wrong and of right.
Of bold hunters missing in imperative chase
and of risk and of danger, if the wrong granted grace.
But doubting their sentence they thought it'd be best,
if they'd joined the party on their search to crow's nest.

They were just heading west, walking together,
when they heard a noise like you hear from a feather.
and a scratch with a claw made everyone see
the crow, sitting on a dead, fallen tree.
The girl, she approached him, brought forward the case
of the mouse and the hawk, of the prey and the chase.
Where one of them 's starving, if the other won't die.
The crow heard it all, blinking one eye, -- I removed the second 'e' from 'heared' - I tried to cross it out but it looked exactly the same, hence this little note.  Smile
Then he ruffled his feathers and he tilted his head.
"But, we all are the same, if we're living or dead."

The girl carried on, for she wanted to care
bout the quarrel between the bee and the bear.
One's one only pleasure, the other one's pain.
The crow he jumped up, then he landed again,
and he stood on one leg, and he looked at the bee.
"All of us, we are one. I am him, she is me."
And what of safety for many endangered by one?
What of freedom, of pity? What can be done?
"I cannot say what's exactly to do
But there is no such thing as a `me´ and a `you´."

"They are us, too.", crow insistently said,
"Like water. And air." The girl nodded her head.
Then she reflected on things she had heard,
for she knew that the forest would await the crows word.
All the eyes and antennae, the claws, paws and wings,
were waiting to hear of wonders and things
were longing to hear the words of crow's song,
to finally differ what's right and what's wrong.
"So, what did the crow say?", asked anxiously hawk,
The girl replied smiling : "The crow? He said: `Squaaaaawk!´"

As regards your question about Capital Letters - You have rightly observed that there is a hell of a lot of discussion about Capitalisation on this site. It is One Sure Way to start a Friendly argument/discussion especially when concerning capital letters at the beginning of each line. I totally understand your thinking in wanting to capitalise all the animals in the poem as it is something that I used to do regularly myself (probably because I've read lots of Blake and Whitman etc). I have however learnt from reading poetry and discussions here that it is often overused and used wrongly by many poets throughout blogworld and such places. I have read poems where every word is capitalised except for the little words. It is quite a powerful tool but to use it very sparingly makes it even more powerful in my opinion, though others may differ. 
I personally think that that you have made the correct choice for this poem, especially considering how many animals feature, and it reads smoothly because of that. There was one thing I noticed, an example of which is in the second line of the second stanza, 'saw mouse and girl talking', here because 'mouse' was not preceded by 'a' or 'the' it felt as though 'mouse' should be capitalised because it felt more like 'Mouse' was a name if that makes any sense. So if there was one particular animal that you wanted to capitalise more than the others you could use a technique like this and it would work. Just a possible thought.

Thanks for the read, I really enjoyed it,

Mark
feedback award wae aye man ye radgie
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#5
Thank you very much, Mark. I have quickly gone over the poem and set the spelling right.
Thanks a lot for your feedback. I quite like the idea of capitalising the animals, whenever they are not accompanied by an article. I will definatly keep that in mind.
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#6
This is a very nice poem. Especially for a beginner. I like the way it reads, it sort of reminds me of a childrens book somehow? Like the ending. But that is not a bad thing at all , in fact its quite nice (:
Hmm i would maybe change the ending a little bit to make it sound a pit more professional. Like i personally would just say " squawk " instead of the long version you used. I also would say about instead of 'bout. But i think thats just my personal preference. I dont really understand slang and i dont really feel like it should be used in literary. But that is just me (:
I this was overall a good poem nice job
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#7
It made me laugh, thank you Naima, you are absolutley right. I think I had too much fun writing this. I will take some vowels out. Definatley.
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