First post.

[Misanthrope]

So....  I used to write somewhat prolifically, but have not written anything in years.  I have moved a few times and the books of poems that I had seem to have gotten lost.  I managed to dig up a couple from old facebook messages to friends to try to find some sort of inspiration again.  My first few posts will be these old poems.  I figure I'd start with something upbeat.  After reading this years later, I have many criticisms of it myself.  I'm curious to see what everyone thinks.  Let me know, and don't hold back!!!

Drifting off into the world of imagination
 Into the land of limitless creation
 Trees of chocolate and rivers of gold
 Such a rush to see to see my planet unfold
 Moving mountains to adorn the sunrise
 To make this day perfect in my eyes
 Alas, my efforts are all for naught 
 It appears there is something I forgot
 My attempt at a perfect world could never come true
 Because there is nothing I could make as perfect as you

After some comments, this is the edited version:

Drifting into imagination
The land of limitless creation
Trees of chocolate, rivers of gold
Blissfully watch my planet unfold
Sunrise adorned by the mountain tops
Dandelions made of lemon drops
Alas, my efforts are all for naught
It appears there's something I forgot
Open my eyes, beside me you dream
Perfection is not as far as it seems

[ellajam]

Hi, welcome to the pen. A few posting points: Is the first line your title? If it is it's best to title the thread with it so it can be identified. If it has no title I suggest you give it one and close the space after the first line, it got confusing. The other posting point is to try to make the piece the best you can before posting. What's the good of us telling you what you already know?

To the poem: I think you could improve it by choosing a meter, it would make the rhymes sit better. I can see you try for some originality at the start but you end on a giant cliche. Try to think of a more interesting way to say it.

Good luck with it, I hope you enjoy the site.

So....  I used to write somewhat prolifically, but have not written anything in years.  I have moved a few times and the books of poems that I had seem to have gotten lost.  I managed to dig up a couple from old facebook messages to friends to try to find some sort of inspiration again.  My first few posts will be these old poems.  I figure I'd start with something upbeat.  After reading this years later, I have many criticisms of it myself.  I'm curious to see what everyone thinks.  Let me know, and don't hold back!!!

Drifting off into the world of imagination

 Into the land of limitless creation
 Trees of chocolate and rivers of gold
 Such a rush to see to see my planet unfold
 Moving mountains to adorn the sunrise
 To make this day perfect in my eyes
 Alas, my efforts are all for naught 
 It appears there is something I forgot
 My attempt at a perfect world could never come true
 Because there is nothing I could make as perfect as you

[Misanthrope]

Hi, welcome to the pen. A few posting points: Is the first line your title? If it is it's best to title the thread with it so it can be identified. If it has no title I suggest you give it one and close the space after the first line, it got confusing. The other posting point is to try to make the piece the best you can before posting. What's the good of us telling you what you already know?

To the poem: I think you could improve it by choosing a meter, it would make the rhymes sit better. I can see you try for some originality at the start but you end on a giant cliche. Try to think of a more interesting way to say it.

Good luck with it, I hope you enjoy the site.

So....  I used to write somewhat prolifically, but have not written anything in years.  I have moved a few times and the books of poems that I had seem to have gotten lost.  I managed to dig up a couple from old facebook messages to friends to try to find some sort of inspiration again.  My first few posts will be these old poems.  I figure I'd start with something upbeat.  After reading this years later, I have many criticisms of it myself.  I'm curious to see what everyone thinks.  Let me know, and don't hold back!!!

Drifting off into the world of imagination

 Into the land of limitless creation
 Trees of chocolate and rivers of gold
 Such a rush to see to see my planet unfold
 Moving mountains to adorn the sunrise
 To make this day perfect in my eyes
 Alas, my efforts are all for naught 
 It appears there is something I forgot
 My attempt at a perfect world could never come true
 Because there is nothing I could make as perfect as you

I guess when I copied/pasted it from to FB message it added a space between them.  And it doesn't have a title.   The reason I didn't edit it is sentimental I suppose.  The point in life for me then was a good one, just wanted to see what other people thought first.  Thanks for the comments!

[ellajam]

Hi, welcome to the pen. A few posting points: Is the first line your title? If it is it's best to title the thread with it so it can be identified. If it has no title I suggest you give it one and close the space after the first line, it got confusing. The other posting point is to try to make the piece the best you can before posting. What's the good of us telling you what you already know?

To the poem: I think you could improve it by choosing a meter, it would make the rhymes sit better. I can see you try for some originality at the start but you end on a giant cliche. Try to think of a more interesting way to say it.

Good luck with it, I hope you enjoy the site.

So....  I used to write somewhat prolifically, but have not written anything in years.  I have moved a few times and the books of poems that I had seem to have gotten lost.  I managed to dig up a couple from old facebook messages to friends to try to find some sort of inspiration again.  My first few posts will be these old poems.  I figure I'd start with something upbeat.  After reading this years later, I have many criticisms of it myself.  I'm curious to see what everyone thinks.  Let me know, and don't hold back!!!

Drifting off into the world of imagination

 Into the land of limitless creation
 Trees of chocolate and rivers of gold
 Such a rush to see to see my planet unfold
 Moving mountains to adorn the sunrise
 To make this day perfect in my eyes
 Alas, my efforts are all for naught 
 It appears there is something I forgot
 My attempt at a perfect world could never come true
 Because there is nothing I could make as perfect as you

I guess when I copied/pasted it from to FB message it added a space between them.  And it doesn't have a title.   The reason I didn't edit it is sentimental I suppose.  The point in life for me then was a good one, just wanted to see what other people thought first.  Thanks for the comments!

If you have work you want to post but don't want to edit you can put them in Misc or Fun, that way people can comment without being obligated to critique.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello Mis-

You need to check your meter, and the best way is to read this aloud.  You should be able to add/subtract words fairly easily.  I've done a couple lines for you...

The ending sounds like "a nod" to God, and as such works OK, for me. BUT this is where you need to know/understand your audience.  In a more serious forum, the ending would probably be construed as too sentimental.  Knowing your audience can make a huge difference for poem like this.

Near rhymes like "naught/forgot" are always welcome in my eyes.  Since you've already got one, look for others... Avoid forcing rhymes at all costs.


Drifting off in the world of imagination
 Into the land of limitlessness of creation
 Trees made of chocolate and rivers of gold
 Such a rush to see to see my planet unfold

you take it from here
 Moving mountains to adorn the sunrise
 To make this day perfect in my eyes
 Alas, my efforts are all for naught 
 It appears there is something I forgot
 My attempt at a perfect world could never come true
 Because there is nothing I could make as perfect as you
[/quote]

[Misanthrope]

Hello Mis-

You need to check your meter, and the best way is to read this aloud.  You should be able to add/subtract words fairly easily.  I've done a couple lines for you...

The ending sounds like "a nod" to God, and as such works OK, for me. BUT this is where you need to know/understand your audience.  In a more serious forum, the ending would probably be construed as too sentimental.  Knowing your audience can make a huge difference for poem like this.

Near rhymes like "naught/forgot" are always welcome in my eyes.  Since you've already got one, look for others... Avoid forcing rhymes at all costs.


Drifting off in the world of imagination
 Into the land of limitlessness of creation
 Trees made of chocolate and rivers of gold
 Such a rush to see to see my planet unfold

you take it from here
 Moving mountains to adorn the sunrise
 To make this day perfect in my eyes
 Alas, my efforts are all for naught 
 It appears there is something I forgot
 My attempt at a perfect world could never come true
 Because there is nothing I could make as perfect as you

[/quote]

Thank you for you comments!   I made a quick revision in the first post of this thread, let me know what you think about the changes!

[Mark A Becker]

Hello again Mis-
Getting closer, especially with the meter.

Drifting into imagination
The land of limitless creation
Trees of chocolate, rivers of gold
Blissfully watch my planet unfold
Mountains move to adorn the sunriseC'mon. I know you can hear that the meter clunked here
To make this day perfect in my eyes
Alas, my efforts are all for naughtFunny that this metrically ok line comes immediately after the breakdown in meter
It appears there's something I forgot
Open my eyes, beside me you dream
I need nothing more, for you are my themeDANG!  You never want a red flag like this at the very end:  the forced rhyme just killed the poem-- blammo! right between the ears. The poetry police hereby charge you with poemicide in the 1st degree. You know your writes.

As I implied at the top, you are very close to getting this right, and you have already improved this piece.  Though this is the NOVICE forum, I really think that you are ready to handle the "complaint" about the last line:  all you need to do is look up the word "theme" to know that it is a terrible choice.  You gotta fix this, please.  

" I love you, you are my theme."  If I said that to my spouse, she'd probably say, "Do I really look like wallpaper to you?"  Goof example, but, you see what I mean?

Forced rhyming is deadly.  At least you killed the poem instantly.  

Please do not take it personally, though, as I really do want to see you make this poem work, and you are very close.  The GOOD NEWS is that I am sure that you can do it, based upon the previous improvement.  

Go for it.

... Mark

[Misanthrope]

Hello again Mis-
Getting closer, especially with the meter.

Drifting into imagination
The land of limitless creation
Trees of chocolate, rivers of gold
Blissfully watch my planet unfold
Mountains move to adorn the sunriseC'mon. I know you can hear that the meter clunked here
To make this day perfect in my eyes
Alas, my efforts are all for naughtFunny that this metrically ok line comes immediately after the breakdown in meter
It appears there's something I forgot
Open my eyes, beside me you dream
I need nothing more, for you are my themeDANG!  You never want a red flag like this at the very end:  the forced rhyme just killed the poem-- blammo! right between the ears. The poetry police hereby charge you with poemicide in the 1st degree. You know your writes.

As I implied at the top, you are very close to getting this right, and you have already improved this piece.  Though this is the NOVICE forum, I really think that you are ready to handle the "complaint" about the last line:  all you need to do is look up the word "theme" to know that it is a terrible choice.  You gotta fix this, please.  

" I love you, you are my theme."  If I said that to my spouse, she'd probably say, "Do I really look like wallpaper to you?"  Goof example, but, you see what I mean?

Forced rhyming is deadly.  At least you killed the poem instantly.  

Please do not take it personally, though, as I really do want to see you make this poem work, and you are very close.  The GOOD NEWS is that I am sure that you can do it, based upon the previous improvement.  

Go for it.

... Mark

I changed it again, but I'm not sure how to stray from the cheesy/cliche ending....  That was the intent for it I suppose.  To me, the entire idea of creation this 'perfect' world is cliche so the ending I guess is apropos.  Always open to suggestions!  Keep them coming!  And thank you for the input!!!

[mcauburn]

Your editted version seemed to flow better. But, for me, the first section doesn't seem to flow well with the last section.  I would like to see a line or two about the observers desire for perfection, prior to his epiphany of his surroundings.   I'm looking forward in reading your other poems.  Thanks for posting.

[REW]

So....  I used to write somewhat prolifically, but have not written anything in years.  I have moved a few times and the books of poems that I had seem to have gotten lost.  I managed to dig up a couple from old facebook messages to friends to try to find some sort of inspiration again.  My first few posts will be these old poems.  I figure I'd start with something upbeat.  After reading this years later, I have many criticisms of it myself.  I'm curious to see what everyone thinks.  Let me know, and don't hold back!!!

Drifting off into the world of imagination
 Into the land of limitless creation
 Trees of chocolate and rivers of gold
 Such a rush to see to see my planet unfold
 Moving mountains to adorn the sunrise
 To make this day perfect in my eyes
 Alas, my efforts are all for naught 
 It appears there is something I forgot
 My attempt at a perfect world could never come true
 Because there is nothing I could make as perfect as you

After some comments, this is the edited version:

Drifting into imagination
The land of limitless creation
Trees of chocolate, rivers of gold
Blissfully watch my planet unfold
Sunrise adorned by the mountain tops
Dandelions made of lemon drops
Alas, my efforts are all for naught
It appears there's something I forgot
Open my eyes, beside me you dream
Perfection is not as far as it seems

Hi,

Are you really a misanthrope?     Okay so you said your poem is an old one...Your original read like a love poem to our planet for me.  The revision has turned into a love poem to a person.  This to me is a huge difference.  To me there is no way to improve upon this planet the way it was designed other that repair the destruction mankind has caused.  Your imaginary wonderful world in the revision depicts some edibles (the chocolate and the lemon drops) and then you have the rivers of gold. 

My suggestion to you is to decide what exactly you want to do with your poem.  Do you want to write a love poem to the planet, a love poem to a girl, or maybe send a message about the fallibility of the imagination of a dream world/perfection? Or holy cow a fantasy is right here beside me? Once you make a firm decision, then you can mold your poem to what it is you want to accomplish. 

This is complicated I think by your end rhymes.  I wonder if you are not saying what it is you want to say exactly and instead trying to think of a rhyme?

I like your ideas of this utopic fantasy world not being as good as the real world or waking up to realize a fantasy is beside you.  But I think you could develop it a tad more.

That is wonderful that you are opening yourself up to writing again.  I just recently started painting again, so I can relate.  I just recently joined the site too.

[REW]

I am wondering if my criticism that I added previously was overly harsh. I am new to the site and this is in the novice section. I looked again at your poem today. My previous remarks still stand as things to consider, but I wanted to add that your revision that you have done is cute.

I also wanted to suggest starting a new piece rather than reworking something old because it is more of a reflection of what you are about now and your skill set. That is just a suggestion.

[milo]

I am wondering if my criticism that I added previously was overly harsh.  I am new to the site and this is in the novice section.  I looked again at your poem today.  My previous remarks still stand as things to consider, but I wanted to add that your revision that you have done is cute.

I also wanted to suggest starting a new piece rather than reworking something old because it is more of a reflection of what you are about now and your skill set.  That is just a suggestion.

Your original criticism seemed well-suited to the forum.

/mod