....

[Naima.m]

---


....

[Weeded]

Holy crap man this is long! I got like, halfway through it before I gave up
I understand you're going for a poem story type of thing, but the first half doesn't seem to contain elements of prose(besides the fact it's words, and a lot of them). Good prose has content, every word is a type of mental marker or indication, every sentence is supposed to say to the reader "read on." I don't get that here. On the poetic side of things, I'm curious about your selection of line breaks. And on the grammatical side, I'm curious as to why you place commas but not periods. I'd like to get through this whole piece, but I feel it needs a lot more work before it gets to that point.
Good luck,
Mike

[Achebe]

Naima - i did not discern a story in all this. I would suggest that you slash it down to half its current length, and get rid of uninteresting abstractions such as (quoted at random):-

where you come so close
to joining me in chaos

the 'coming close' is figurative in this particular line, and 'chaos' is abstract, so this line (as a random example) is doubly abstract.

As a first poem, it is not bad. It takes effort to write out these many lines, and you've done that. it's the editing that you need to think of now.