Blind Edit 1.01ray

[tectak]

Edit 1.01

In gloss of pearl the petalled wrap keeps secret that
which  bees alone see as their own. The tulip opens wide
to winds of March, that blast and blow the bloom to doom.
Black is the flower.

Up high and rare, the soundless air  carries light from suns in time.
No sight outlooks the gleaming globes, for space the ink of depth belies;
the years are blanked in distant robes, folded in to shaded shawls.
Black is the sky.

A man may stand and cry at death, when sparks of life he watches fade;
no deeper grave, no silent tomb, no prison sealed against the day
can make a soul so dark despair save for the empty sightless stare.
Black is blind.

tectak
2014.


Edit 1.000

In gloss of pearl the petalled wrap keeps secret that
which  bees alone see as their own. The tulip opens wide
in winds of March, that blast and blow the bloom to doom.
Black is the flower.

Up high and rare, the soundless air  carries light from suns of time.
No sight outlooks the gleaming globes, for space the ink of depth belies;
the years are blanked in distant robes, folded in to shaded shawls.
Black is the sky.

A man may stand and cry at death, when sparks of life he watches fade;
no deeper grave, no silent tomb, no prison sealed against the day
can ever make a soul despair save for the empty sightless stare.
Black is blind.

tectak
2014.

In gloss of pearl the prim and petalled wrap keeps secret
all that bees see as their own. The tulip opens wide to winds
of March, that blast and blow then dries the bloom.
Black is the flower.

Up high and rare, the air that thins carries light from suns in time.
No sight outlooks the flaming globes, but space the ink of depth belies
to blank the years in distant robes, folded in to shaded shawls.
Black is the sky.

A man can stand and cry at death, when sparks of life he watches fade;
no deeper grave, no silent tomb, no prison sealed against the day
can ever make a soul despair save for the empty sightless stare.
Black is blind.

tectak
2014.

[ray]

I'm liking it better.

The tulip opens wide
in winds of March,  - for me to is better than in and the earlier enjambment was neater. So my suggestion

which bees alone see as their own. The tulip's wide to winds 

of March, that blast and blow the bloom to doom.

Again, suns in time was better, I think

No sight outlooks the gleaming globes, for space the ink of depth belies;   - I get this now and it's a nice thought. Still, I'd prefer for space of inky depth. The line that follows is very nice too.

A man may stand and cry at death, when sparks of life he watches fade;
no deeper grave, no silent tomb, no prison sealed against the day
can ever make a soul despair save for the empty sightless stare.
Black is blind.

I just don't think that's anywhere near true. Souls despair for all sorts of reasons, mine most often when I see my horse beaten in a photo-finish. It's all relative.

[tectak]

I'm liking it better.

The tulip opens wide
in winds of March,  - for me to is better than in and the earlier enjambment was neater. So my suggestion

which bees alone see as their own. The tulip's wide to winds  Don't agree. Adjective to verb transmogrification causes me to balk. Next line, however

of March, that blast and blow the bloom to doom.

Again, suns in time was better, I think Agree. I was trying too hard to get the history from distance. ie. Light years away. Your way is better.I will revert.

No sight outlooks the gleaming globes, for space the ink of depth belies;   - I get this now and it's a nice thought. Still, I'd prefer for space of inky depth. The line that follows is very nice too.

A man may stand and cry at death, when sparks of life he watches fade;
no deeper grave, no silent tomb, no prison sealed against the day
can ever make a soul despair save for the empty sightless stare. "can make a soul so dark despair as can the empty sightless stare." Phew! That's what I was trying to say! Thanks
Black is blind.

I just don't think that's anywhere near true. Souls despair for all sorts of reasons, mine most often when I see my horse beaten in a photo-finish. It's all relative.

[coy]

Edit 1.01

In gloss of pearl the petalled wrap keeps secrets that an innovative way to describe a flower
which the bees alone see as their own. The tulip opens wide not a huge fan of 'that which?'. I see 'alone' as superfluous and only there to maintain the meter. But if omitted, this line's meter will be left in tatters. You make the call
to winds of March, that blast and blow the bloom to doom. "The internal rhyme is strong with this one." -Yoda
Black is the flower.

Up high and rare, the soundless air  carries light from suns in  time. 'in time' is axiomatic. Anyone who passed 4th grade knows it takes light time to travel
No sight outlooks the gleaming globes, for space the ink of depth belies; best line in the poem imo. i too am an advocate of the inky suggestion
the years are blanked in distant robes, folded in to shaded shawls. read this line with 'and' after robes and consider that metrically
Black is the sky.

A man may stand and cry at death, when sparks of life he watches fade;
no deeper grave, no silent tomb, no prison sealed against the day
can make a soul  so dark  despair save for the empty sightless stare. comma after despair?
Black is blind.

tectak
2014.

I really liked this poem! I'll definitely be back for a re-read. I think you'll nail it on Edit 1.02.

coy - your friendly time traveller -
3005.

[tectak]

Edit 1.01

In gloss of pearl the petalled wrap keeps secrets that an innovative way to describe a flower
which the bees alone see as their own. The tulip opens wide not a huge fan of 'that which?'. I see 'alone' as superfluous and only there to maintain the meter. But if omitted, this line's meter will be left in tatters. You make the call
to winds of March, that blast and blow the bloom to doom. "The internal rhyme is strong with this one." -Yoda
Black is the flower.

Up high and rare, the soundless air  carries light from suns in  time. 'in time' is axiomatic. Anyone who passed 4th grade knows it takes light time to travel
No sight outlooks the gleaming globes, for space the ink of depth belies; best line in the poem imo. i too am an advocate of the inky suggestion
the years are blanked in distant robes, folded in to shaded shawls. read this line with 'and' after robes and consider that metrically
Black is the sky.

A man may stand and cry at death, when sparks of life he watches fade;
no deeper grave, no silent tomb, no prison sealed against the day
can make a soul  so dark  despair save for the empty sightless stare. comma after despair?
Black is blind.

tectak
2014.

I really liked this poem! I'll definitely be back for a re-read. I think you'll nail it on Edit 1.02.

coy - your friendly time traveller -
3005.

This is considered crit and I thank you for it. Your S1 L1 comments are received and understood. Whilst I in no way disagree with the analysis I hang my hat on the quintessence of poetry. Internal rhyme brings out the worst in me...that is to say I defend it whilst not necessarily agreeing with its use. Victim of pedantry, you see.
On physics...well, poetic license. Air, vacuum, light...same speed (almost). It is sound that suffers. No air...no sound. It is not a speed thing, it is attenuation. Thin air, attenuated sound.  As far as light is concerned, we look beyond the "glowing globes"as if viewing old movies. Moon? Just over a second ago. Sun? Eight minutes ago? Nearest galaxy?Twenty five  thousand years ago.
How blind are we all?
Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

Tom,

I must suppose that the 5th line of each stanza was purposefully written in trochee? This seems mostly all in iambic, except for a few bumps, maybe we pronounce the syllable count differently. I did not specifically note it as it did not seem to hurt the reading of the poem.

"soundless air" O3/ozone I assume? I would have thought any air would be able to carry some sound although often below the hearing of humans, is it not just molecular vibrations being transferred through the medium? Does the light need this rarefied air to carry it? Seems a bit confused. Warmth I can understand, light? I understand poetic license and all, but this seems to be past the breaking point. Caused me to stop and ponder. I do like the rare-air rhyme.

in to-->into

S2L1 typography extra line space

I think your first version, although not as clean, was much more clear in terms of what you meant to accomplish, at least it gave me more insight into what your intention was.

Dale