Bones

[ray]

 
We’d a semi-detached
with not much of a garden,
only so many places
you could bury a bone.
One evening was yawning
when she made a suggestion -
a game of canasta,
we’d wager our freedom.
The loser would serve
and winner be master,
commander, dictator
for a time we’d determine.
 
I had visions of her
in vertiginous heels,
scarlet mesh stockings
and the band of white flesh
at the height of her thighs
defenceless as snow.
A camisole crotchless,
her sex between brackets;
unguents and oils
to purple and glisten;
wrists wrapped in velvet -
the tease of resistance.
 
Though I lost, defeat promised
as much as success did.
I want you to kiss my bones
she said. Not a death wish
nor an essay at arousal.
Bones was her dog. I hated
the bitch. She was testing
resolve or held out a hope
I might yet learn to love.
But I didn’t and couldn’t
and hate all the more, for
we haven’t played canasta since.

 
 

[billy]

i enjoyed the poem, while it was (for me) a bit cheesy at the latter parts, i enjoy the twist at the end, most of all i enjoyed the connection of the 4th line to the lower part of the poems twist. it acts as a hook and the reader will probably read  the poem a few more times because of it. thanks for the read.

 
We’d a semi-detached
with not much of a garden,
only so many places
you could bury a bone.
One evening was yawning there's a little ambiguity here in that it seems the woman is called one evening
when she made a suggestion -
a game of canasta,
we’d wager our freedom.
The loser would serve
and winner be master, this feels to much of a given, a suggestion would be to move [master down to the next line and maybe stick a [the] or [and] in front of it
commander, dictator
for a time we’d determine. a third [we'd] a suggestion would be [for a determinate time]
 
I had visions of her
in vertiginous heels,
scarlet mesh stockings
and the band of white flesh no need for [and] i like the sexuallty if the image
at the height of her thighs
defenceless as snow. not sure the simile works well enough
A camisole crotchless, nice [c]'s but would they be better reversed?
her sex between brackets; another good image
unguents and oils
to purple and glisten;
wrists wrapped in velvet -
the tease of resistance.
 
Though I lost, defeat promised
as much as success did. no need for [did]
I want you to kiss my bones
she said. Not a death wish
nor an essay at arousal.
Bones was her dog. I hated
the bitch. She was testing i like the enjambement which makes both of them bitches
resolve or held out a hope
I might yet learn to love.
But I didn’t and couldn’t
and hate all the more, for
we haven’t played canasta since.

 
 

[bena]

I really like the twist. The rest of it all seemed to be a rather convoluted set-up. If there is a rhyme scheme it is beyond me, so slant it isn't recognizable to these old eyes, and if it isn't rhymed I'm not sure why you are placing words in the order you are...(talk like yoda, you do)

It's a very solid story, and I love the play on boners/bitches/master v slave in the sexual realm. I only object on the sentence structure, and I'm not sure how to critique that part without "re-writing" which is something I avoid completely.

Sorry I can't be more help, dear.


mel.

[ray]

Thanks, billy, bena.
Yes, one we'd too many in first verse. I'll probably use for a time to determine.
I had crotchless camisole first off. Maybe I'll go back to that. I thought camisole crotchless ran into the next line better.
I don't see what's unusual about the word order, Bena, well perhaps the camisole crotchless. Is there anything else?

[bena]

lol ray dear there's lots of we'd we'd all the way home.


sorry, I've been up nearly 48 hours and my eyes are searing holes through my eyelids.
It just seemed you were more worried about the description than the actual narrative, and while that's nice and all, it's a narrative poem.

I'll just show you how I'd set up one small part god I hate doing this.



she made a suggestion -
a game of canasta,
wager our freedom.

I don't think this loses any of your rhythm, and it is much clearer for the reader. I'll try to come back to this tomorrow if I can. Laser beam eyes, yanno.

[Erthona]

Ray,

This starts out appearing as something written in accentual verse with two beats per line for the first section, except for one line.  
If the sentences are written out in one line you can see room for improvement and clarity. First We'd can be several contractions so it is better to do away with the confusion and simply write "We had".

"We had a semi-detached with not much of a garden, only so many places you could bury a bone."

Evidently "a semi-detached" refers to some sort of housing structure, however as I have never heard the term before I can either guess or go to the dictionary. I guess any British person would know what you are talking about but I am not British, and so are a lot of English speakers. If you added "house" after "semi-detached" it would avoid frustration for your non-British readers. Just because it is poetry does not mean it is not under the same restrictions that normal writing is. Thus:

" only so many places you could bury a bone." -->" so few places to bury a bone."

This line:

"One evening was yawning when she made a suggestion - "

Is her name "one evening"? There is nothing here that separates the "One Evening" from the "she" who made a suggestion.
-----------------------------------------
"we’d wager our freedom."

In the above line you again use the "we'd" contraction, but instead of meaning "we had" as the last time it was used, now it is meant to mean we would. Contraction can be used in poetry to good effect in terms of meter, or dialect, however neither are presence here, thus obviating any reason for their usage other than affection. The confusion of using them cannot be justified.
-----------------------------------------
"The loser would serve and winner be master, commander, dictator for a time we’d determine."

Do you have something against articles? Do you think removing them somehow makes the poem better, or more poemy? The truth is it does not and it also causes a slight pause in the reading as the reader is anticipating the "the" between "and" and "winner". Many people may not even notice it, but it still effects the poem. I am all for terseness, but not at the sake of clarity.

"The loser would serve and the winner be master, commander, dictator for a time we’d determine."

The word "would" inserted between "winner" and "master" would also bring up the clarity but it makes the sentence less elegant. The contraction "winner'd" seems clumsy. So, your choice, your poem. Also a colon after master. Thus:

"The loser would serve and the winner (would) be master: commander, dictator for a time we’d determine." For the sake of the cadence of the line I would leave in the contraction as it serves a function.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's all I feel up to at the moment, but the rest needs as much work, if not more. However, just a question about something in the second section. When you say "... height of her thighs", are you meaning top of her thighs.

"the band of white flesh
at the height of her thighs"

Either way that would be a person's hips. A lot of what you are trying to describing is difficult to understand, due to poor word choice, unnecessary terseness, syntactical abnormalities, or simply not describing enough for the reader to visualize what you are trying to describe. As I said about one of your other poems, this seems like a lot to wade through to get to the punch line.

Evening yawn, bena has been keeping me up all night, asking me if I could see through her eyelids. So I'm really tired and I going to stop here. ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz

Dale

[ray]

Thanks, bena, dale. It's a slight tale, I don't care for the last verse, there's no great merit in the whole. Nevertheless

there's 3 we'd in the first verse, at least one too many, though I balk only at the repetition. We'd is fine as far as I'm concerned.


she made a suggestion

One evening was yawning
when she made a suggestion - 

Obviously, I want to suggest that both parties are bored, so the evening yawns. It's a poem. The latter version is clearer.

We’d a semi-detached
with not much of a garden

I think the 2nd line makes clear enough what the first line is referring to. The idea that we shouldn't use terms that some readers aren't familiar with is a bit colonial, I'd have thought. 
I happen to be reading something by William Faulkner at the moment. How would he have fared? What I ought to do is get rid of a We'd and have We were semi-detached. I will, actually.

I think you're right, Dale, about the winner. That's how it was originally but I persuaded myself otherwise.

The height of her thighs is the height of her thighs, not her hips.

 A lot of what you are trying to describing is difficult to understand, due to poor word choice, unnecessary terseness, syntactical abnormalities, or simply not describing enough for the reader to visualize what you are trying to describe. As I said about one of your other poems, this seems like a lot to wade through to get to the punch line.

I've some sympathy with the 2nd sentence. I don't see any part of the poem as difficult to understand, though, and I'm surprised that anyone would. As for the rest I'd not dispute or agree, it's mostly a matter of taste. I'm grateful for the time spent. It's helped me see a few things differently.

[justcloudy]

ray,
The whole reason we're here is to get fresh eyes and opinions on what we write. My writing is never convoluted or unclear to ME... but of course not. The point of posting here is to make our pieces better, and if it is unclear or convoluted to others, then there is an issue.
Of course if it's just one person, maybe it's him/her and their lack of brightness or what have you.
Here that's not the case.
There was much to make me smile in this poem-- the reoccurring themes, the jaunty rhythm, the clever story-- but not enough to overlook its faults. And what's the point of posting a poem in the Serious Workshopping forum of a poetry workshop if it's not to have the poem's faults pointed out?
I agree with all the critiques above, but I am hesitant to add anything else, wondering what the point is, seeing your reaction to the other comments.
That is all.
-jc

[bena]

I'll give it one more try on the yawning line because because it makes no sense to anyone but you. This is great, if you are the only audience, but once you post something (or publish) readers SHOULD be able to follow your logic.

the evening was yawning,
she made a suggestion---->

blahblahblah



BTW I looked up your threads and posts, 112-----some were revised,. but all you of your posts were on your own threads.

that's not gonna suffice here, you're supposed to crit as much as you post, if not more.

Expect no more critiques from me.

mel.