Two Thousand Pounds of Iron - Edit

[coy]

/* I had this poem in the miscellaneous section. After a critique on the wordiness -- thanks billy -- I spent all my time in class today making revisions and deleted my old thread to move it here. (sigh) And now I have quite a bit of work to make up */


This morn' I sat in solitude
amidst a crowded restaurant,
and mesmerized by
actions that surrounded
the soda machine;
I watched as countless people
filled their water cups
with Sprite,
and wondered: why not
also snatch a sealed drink
from the defenseless
mini-fridge? It's only
three yards to your right;
at least there's
no free refills.

A couple hours later,
at my favorite
electronics store,
a group of vexed and weary men
had yelled about a petty crook;
his nimbleness was not adept
as cameras caught him
stuffing DVD's
inside his crimson bag.
The thief then flitted past
two baffled guards,
and sprinted like he borrowed
Hermes' sacred sandals.
And I told the men,
that if they the see crook,
to school him on accepted sin,
and show him movie larceny
is safer on the Interweb.


And late that night,
my friend called
sounding glum, and
asked to decompress;
she sheepishly conceded
that her daughter
failed a drug test.
And school was not much better,
so the 'doc suggested Adderall.
My friend is never bothered
by a sojourn to the pharmacy,
and always needs another
medication
or a refill.

And after this eventful day
I'm left with one enquiry:
Would you feel cheated
if you bought a gram of gold,
but instead they spent your money
on two thousand pounds
of iron?


/* [note] 2000 lbs of iron = 1 gram of gold according to this months prices and my dubious calculations. What sucks is this poem will quickly lose relevance since Iron and Gold prices aren't stagnant.  */

[Brownlie]

/* I had this poem in the miscellaneous section. After a critique on the wordiness -- thanks billy -- I spent all my time in class today making revisions and deleted my old thread to move it here. (sigh) And now I have quite a bit of work to make up */


This morn' I sat in solitude -- I would avoid using morn unless you are purposely using old language. 
amidst a crowded restaurant, -- I wouldn't use amidst here. You are inside a restaurant or amidst (Spelling on this?) the members of a crowd.
actions that surrounded  -- actions that surrounded the soda machine doesn't seem to have a clear subject.
the soda machine;
I watched as countless people
filled their water cups
with Sprite,
and wondered: why not -- I wouldn't use a verb before a colon, though here it doesn't really matter I suppose.
also snatch a sealed drink -- The sound seems a little clunky here.
from the defenseless
mini-fridge? It's only
three yards to your right;
at least there's
no free refills.

A couple hours later,
at my favorite
electronics store,
a group of vexed and weary men
had yelled about a petty crook;
his nimbleness was not adept
as cameras caught him
stuffing DVD's
inside his crimson bag. -- Crimson is quite prominent here. Therefore, I, as a reader, am prone to attribute unusual importance to it.
The thief then flitted past
two baffled guards,
and sprinted like he borrowed
Hermes' sacred sandals. -- I like the Hermes bit, but I fell this sentiment can be reduced and still convey the same meaning and good sound.

And I told the men,
that if they the see crook,
to school him on accepted sin,
and show him movie larceny
is safer on the Interweb.


And late that night,
my friend called
sounding glum, and
asked to decompress;
she sheepishly conceded
that her daughter
failed a drug test.
And school was not much better,
so the 'doc suggested Adderall.
My friend is never bothered
by a sojourn to the pharmacy, -- There is a contrast between sojourn which  suggests a larger journey than a simple trip to the pharmacy. This can be used.
and always needs another
medication
or a refill.

And after this eventful day
I'm left with one enquiry:
Would you feel cheated
if you bought a gram of gold,
but instead they spent your money
on two thousand pounds
of iron? -- I think this final statement can be tightened up.



/* [note] 2000 lbs of iron = 1 gram of gold according to this months prices and my dubious calculations. What sucks is this poem will quickly lose relevance since Iron and Gold prices aren't stagnant.  */ -- You could introduce the poem with a (possibly dated) quote. 

This poem can be cleaned up, but I think there's something interesting here. 

[coy]

I would avoid using morn unless you are purposely using old language. 
I wouldn't use amidst here. You are inside a restaurant or amidst (Spelling on this?) the members of a crowd.

okay, I'll change both of these. I had intended to use it as one syllable slang for morning, but it looks like no one does that.

actions that surrounded the soda machine doesn't seem to have a clear subject.

yeah, i've been skeptical about this line structure. i'll fix that too

The sound seems a little clunky here.

probably the superfluous 'also' I added to hold the meter.

 Crimson is quite prominent here. Therefore, I, as a reader, am prone to attribute unusual importance to it.

that was the intention, make it a little more personal.

I like the Hermes bit, but I fell this sentiment can be reduced and still convey the same meaning and good sound.

i think omitting sacred would do it?

There is a contrast between sojourn which  suggests a larger journey than a simple trip to the pharmacy. This can be used.

yeah. good call. i can make the end of this stanza more powerful.

You could introduce the poem with a (possibly dated) quote. 


This poem can be cleaned up, but I think there's something interesting here. 

Thanks for the read, critiques, and compliments

[SimikPK]

Hello, this has a potential to grow into a very interesting "longer" read, I like the chain composition. Usually not a fan of long poems, but this one got me engaged. I will skip over things that brownlie already mentioned. 

/* I had this poem in the miscellaneous section. After a critique on the wordiness -- thanks billy -- I spent all my time in class today making revisions and deleted my old thread to move it here. (sigh) And now I have quite a bit of work to make up */


This morn' I sat in solitude
amidst a crowded restaurant,
and mesmerized by
actions that surrounded
the soda machine;
I watched as countless people
filled their water cups
with Sprite,
and wondered: why not
also snatch a sealed drink
from the defenseless
mini-fridge? It's only
three yards to your right;
at least there's
no free refills.

A couple hours later,
at my favorite
electronics store,
a group of vexed and weary men
had yelled about a petty crook;
his nimbleness was not adept
as cameras caught him
stuffing DVD's
inside his crimson bag. Would a thief be so stupid as to use such a radiant color? I know it is of personal siginificance to you, but logic doesn't work here. 
The thief then flitted past
two baffled guards,
and sprinted like he borrowed
Hermes' sacred sandals. Yea, removing sacred would work for me. 
And I told the men,
that if they the see crook,
to school him on accepted sin,
and show him movie larceny
is safer on the Interweb.


And late that night,
my friend called
sounding glum, and hm.. and at the end of a line.. you know, not good break.
asked to decompress;
she sheepishly conceded
that her daughter
failed a drug test.
And school was not much better,
so the 'doc suggested Adderall. Whz 'doc? not actually doc'?
My friend is never bothered
by a sojourn to the pharmacy,
and always needs another
medication
or a refill. Don't like this split into two. What about leaving only refill? We know what people go to pharmacy for. Refill works well with the sprite and co. 

And after this eventful day For me, too many lines begin with and. No need to tell us this day was eventful, previous stanzas make it clear. 
I'm left with one enquiry: I like you did away with the pondering etc. 
Would you feel cheated
if you bought a gram of gold,
but instead they spent your money
on two thousand pounds
of iron? This last stanza could be made stronger. Do you really need mentioning the money and the "they"? 


.. if you bought a gram of gold,/but instead they gave you(but instead was given)/two thousand pounds/of iron?  


/* [note] 2000 lbs of iron = 1 gram of gold according to this months prices and my dubious calculations. What sucks is this poem will quickly lose relevance since Iron and Gold prices aren't stagnant.  */

[bena]

Please use morn.  Morn is an absultely adorable noun, and it isn't slang.

according to dictionary.com:

1.
a poetic word for morning

seems perfect use of it to me!




Let's do this whole critique thing, and see if we come out the other side.


This morn' I sat in solitude {that's a drop the apostrophe, not a tiny exclamation point, although that does give me ideas....}
amidst a crowded restaurant,  {it's obvious you aren't a Brit or Brit derivative, but you can ask most of those nutters on this site, they love their "amidst"steses. I would personally do one of two things, just use "inside" OR "in a crowded restaurant, amidst-among-amid a crowd}
and mesmerized by
{the} actions that surrounded  {without "the" it almost sounds as if the restaurant or crowd are the subjects.  This is the problem when writing long, drawn out sentences---ambiguity,  dangling participle, misplaced modifiers, and comma splices}
the soda machine; {why not a period here?  It would help you avoid the uglies fore mentioned.}
I watched as countless people
filled their water cups
with Sprite,
and wondered: why not
also snatch a sealed drink
from the defenseless
mini-fridge? It's only
three yards to your right;
at least there's
no free refills.
{from the colon to end of stanza 1 it is all uglies. I do know what you mean until the last 3 lines...but.  I would replace colon with comma, and just italize your "thoughts" sans semi colon, use a dash---there should be complete sentences in front of and after a semi colon. The last three line as a reader I can't tell if you're chastising them for stealing over and over by getting refills but I think you are.} 

A couple hours later,
at my favorite
electronics store,
a group of vexed and weary men
had yelled about a petty crook;
his nimbleness was not adept
as cameras caught him
stuffing DVD's
inside his crimson bag.
The thief then flitted past
two baffled guards,
and sprinted like he borrowed
Hermes' sacred sandals.
And I told the men,
that if they the see {the? also not a big fan of starting a sentence with 'and' }crook,
to school him {really dislike this slang.  Plus "educate him" would add more assonance} on accepted sin,
and show him movie larceny
is safer on the Interweb.

And{again, blah blah} late that night,
my friend called
sounding glum, and

asked {wanting?} to decompress;
she sheepishly conceded {I might use "admitted" mostly because I almost always listen to what the poem would sound like as I read:  easy to find all the alliteration and assonance, etc.}
that her daughter
failed a drug test.
And school was not much better,
so the 'doc suggested Adderall.
My friend is never bothered
by a sojourn to the pharmacy,
and always needs another
medication
or a refill.

And {eek}after this eventful day
I'm left with one enquiry: {dash not colon...and why enquiry as opposed to inquiry?}
Would you feel cheated
if you bought {If you bought kinda sounds like you are there when the transaction is going on.  Perhaps 'if you paid for?'} a gram of gold,
but instead they spent your money
on two thousand pounds
of iron?



Ok, so I made it out the other side.  I will say that there's tons to like about this piece...after all, I would not put hours into a critique when I thought it a waste of time.  There's lots of sardonic wit and irony.  Assonance and alliteration!  And I do welcome you to the site, you are going to be a very valuable asset!

bena/mel

[coy]

Please use morn.  Morn is an absultely adorable noun, and it isn't slang.

according to dictionary.com:

1.
a poetic word for morning

seems perfect use of it to me!




Let's do this whole critique thing, and see if we come out the other side.


This morn' I sat in solitude {that's a drop the apostrophe, not a tiny exclamation point, although that does give me ideas....}
amidst a crowded restaurant,  {it's obvious you aren't a Brit or Brit derivative, but you can ask most of those nutters on this site, they love their "amidst"steses. I would personally do one of two things, just use "inside" OR "in a crowded restaurant, amidst-among-amid a crowd}
and mesmerized by
{the} actions that surrounded  {without "the" it almost sounds as if the restaurant or crowd are the subjects.  This is the problem when writing long, drawn out sentences---ambiguity,  dangling participle, misplaced modifiers, and comma splices}
the soda machine; {why not a period here?  It would help you avoid the uglies fore mentioned.}
I watched as countless people
filled their water cups
with Sprite,
and wondered: why not
also snatch a sealed drink
from the defenseless
mini-fridge? It's only
three yards to your right;
at least there's
no free refills.
{from the colon to end of stanza 1 it is all uglies. I do know what you mean until the last 3 lines...but.  I would replace colon with comma, and just italize your "thoughts" sans semi colon, use a dash---there should be complete sentences in front of and after a semi colon. The last three line as a reader I can't tell if you're chastising them for stealing over and over by getting refills but I think you are.} 

A couple hours later,
at my favorite
electronics store,
a group of vexed and weary men
had yelled about a petty crook;
his nimbleness was not adept
as cameras caught him
stuffing DVD's
inside his crimson bag.
The thief then flitted past
two baffled guards,
and sprinted like he borrowed
Hermes' sacred sandals.
And I told the men,
that if they the see {the? also not a big fan of starting a sentence with 'and' }crook,
to school him {really dislike this slang.  Plus "educate him" would add more assonance} on accepted sin,
and show him movie larceny
is safer on the Interweb.

And{again, blah blah} late that night,
my friend called
sounding glum, and

asked {wanting?} to decompress;
she sheepishly conceded {I might use "admitted" mostly because I almost always listen to what the poem would sound like as I read:  easy to find all the alliteration and assonance, etc.}
that her daughter
failed a drug test.
And school was not much better,
so the 'doc suggested Adderall.
My friend is never bothered
by a sojourn to the pharmacy,
and always needs another
medication
or a refill.

And {eek}after this eventful day
I'm left with one enquiry: {dash not colon...and why enquiry as opposed to inquiry?}
Would you feel cheated
if you bought {If you bought kinda sounds like you are there when the transaction is going on.  Perhaps 'if you paid for?'} a gram of gold,
but instead they spent your money
on two thousand pounds
of iron?



Ok, so I made it out the other side.  I will say that there's tons to like about this piece...after all, I would not put hours into a critique when I thought it a waste of time.  There's lots of sardonic wit and irony.  Assonance and alliteration!  And I do welcome you to the site, you are going to be a very valuable asset!

bena/mel

thanks for your input and "making it through"!