In Love with The Coffeeshop Girl
#21
Hi, let me give you some comments on your latest draft

(10-07-2014, 08:47 AM)b.abraham Wrote:  In Love with The Coffeeshop Girl  --The title draws me in.

Every morning
I order a double Americano and a fresh pastry,
and write about The Coffeeshop Girl.

I'm in love with The Coffeeshop Girl.--What's telling about this and what's good is that you don't use her name. This exists in the realm of fantasy and wish fulfilment. The name makes it too real. The name would imply risk.
I know she feels the same.--This is the key line in the poem. For the poem to work you've got to imply a subtext that makes the I know she feels the same seem true. You were trying something like this with the parenthetical statements--not a bad idea, but it should probably be more subtle. Imply more from her reactions. When she interacts with others find a way to make it more of a dismissal or a chore she uses to at best get tips at worst get through the over the top flirting of rival buffoons. This is the challenge you have in pulling this off.

I say, 'good morning!'
She winks and asks, 'the usual?'
I smile and leave a tip.--This and the parallel strophe below are where you need to do the work. 

I sit by the window behind a notebook and thick frames.
Another notebook with thick frames sits at the counter,--For brevity you could cut this line entirely. It doesn't add much. 
more thick frames with laptops sit at tables.

They say, "good morning!"
She winks and asks, "the usual?"
They smile and leave a tip.

They all order double Americanos,
eat fresh pastries,
and write about The Coffeeshop Girl.--I think you could also cut this structure. The point is not to make them seem like the speaker. It is to discover how what seems the same is really different. Even if the author is mocking the situation, the speaker KNOWS she feels the same way.
Just thoughts to consider. I hope they're helpful.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#22
Every morning
I order a double Americano and a fresh pastry,
and write about The Coffeeshop Girl.

I'm in love with The Coffeeshop Girl.
I know she feels the same. (clever contrast with lines 13&14 where she treats every costumer the same)

I say, 'good morning!'
She winks and asks, 'the usual?'
I smile and leave a tip.

I sit by the window behind a notebook and thick frames.
Another notebook with thick frames sits at the counter,
more thick frames with laptops sit at tables.

They say, "good morning!"
She winks and asks, "the usual?"
They smile and leave a tip.

They all order double Americanos,
eat fresh pastries,
and write about The Coffeeshop Girl.

I love this poem, I love how everyone is in love with the Coffeeshop Girl, but I would like to know why. What's so special about this woman that puts a spell on everyone? I of course understand why you don't address the reasons why everyone's in love with her cause that's not your main focus. This poem just awakens my curiosity and maybe that's why I liked it so much ^_^
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