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I have been trying some less structured stuff and am confused with where to take it. Looking at something too much one loses perspective, so would love some feedback. Also - this subject, a kiss, can become cliche quickly so I'm trying to figure out how best to go about it. Thanks for any critique!
A kiss
A delicate hand-written message
speaks in heavy-breath metaphor,
punctuated by eyes.
A touch signs the letter -
I eagerly await to read, boldly written in
fluent body language.
Lips say more when unattached to words.
Closing our eyes –
we converse.
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Joined: May 2014
Hello Moose. I quite like this. I had to go back and read your "structured stuff" to get a fair gauge for comparison. Of course, everything is personal preference, but I prefer this piece to the others. I think your approach is original enough that the cliche trap of "a kiss" has been narrowly avoided. In my limited experience I have found that more free verse tends to magnify the importance of correct punctuation and thoughtful line breaks. I think you've done a decent job with that. A few notes below.
(03-27-2015, 08:28 AM)summermoose Wrote: I have been trying some less structured stuff and am confused with where to take it. Looking at something too much one loses perspective, so would love some feedback. Also - this subject, a kiss, can become cliche quickly so I'm trying to figure out how best to go about it. Thanks for any critique!
A kiss
A delicate hand-written message
speaks in heavy-breath metaphor,
punctuated by eyes. Awkward line. Feels as if you were trying too to hard to avoid cliche and as a result left "eyes" without a personality. Even if you want to avoid "her eyes,his eyes, your eyes" etc. it feels as though eyes is begging for an adjective. It's free verse now- you have room.
A touch signs the letter - semicolon might be better than the em dash here.
I eagerly await to read, boldly written in "wait"
fluent body language.
Lips say more when unattached to words. would prefer "detached from" instead of "unattached to"
Closing our eyes – Don't see any need for the em dash here.
we converse.
Hope some of that helps. Writing outside of our comfort zones is always a worthwhile exercise. Thanks for the post and good luck.
Paul
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That's some great feedback, particularly about the "eyes" line. It is definitely begging for some description. The punctuation feedback help a lot as well.
good material to take into a rewrite. Thanks Paul!
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(03-27-2015, 08:28 AM)summermoose Wrote: I have been trying some less structured stuff and am confused with where to take it. Looking at something too much one loses perspective, so would love some feedback. Also - this subject, a kiss, can become cliche quickly so I'm trying to figure out how best to go about it. Thanks for any critique!
A kiss
A delicate hand-written message
speaks in heavy-breath metaphor,maybe reword this? I found it a little confusing
punctuated by eyes.
A touch signs the letter -
I eagerly await to read, boldly written incould this be two lines? I think its a little long
fluent body language.
Lips say more when unattached to words.i like this line alot
Closing our eyes –
we converse.
I think you definitely missed the cliche, and i never felt like i was reading a bad tumblr. Post when reading this, so kudos to you! Also, some of the imagery and comparisons you make are beautiful, and some lines really stick to you. That said, the second verse is a little confusing, and though your poem is short and sweet, i think you could even take a few words out, like the "our" in the second to last line, or losing some of the dashes that arent necessary. Also, i feel the verse "punctuated by eyes" could be reworded somehow, like theres a great verse there to be had. But this is simplly my opinion. The poem is a concise and very well written one, and i thoroughly enjoyed it!
just mercedes
Unregistered
(03-27-2015, 08:28 AM)summermoose Wrote: I have been trying some less structured stuff and am confused with where to take it. Looking at something too much one loses perspective, so would love some feedback. Also - this subject, a kiss, can become cliche quickly so I'm trying to figure out how best to go about it. Thanks for any critique!
A kiss
A delicate hand-written message
speaks in heavy-breath metaphor,
punctuated by eyes.
A touch signs the letter -
I eagerly await to read, boldly written in
fluent body language.
Lips say more when unattached to words.
Closing our eyes –
we converse.
Hi - for me, your poem is the final stanza. The first two were just warm-up exercises for you. The three lines, with their near-rhyme, really work well on their own.
Hello,
I am new to this forum too and this is the first poem I read in this discussion board. I really like "Lips say more when unattached to words."this line. I think it is an emotional piece, but maybe it would be more attractive for readers if you can use more metaphors to describe the characteristic of maintaining an intimate relationship without speaking. Keep it up!
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Hi summermoose. I have enormous respect for any poet who tackles a subject like this (or indeed any subject at all) with determination not to fall into cliche. You have drawn upon the senses to map your kiss and you're very close to pulling it off, but the problem for me lies in your first stanza. You begin and end that stanza by addressing the visual -- the image of a hand-written message, and the return to eyes -- but the middle is hearing, which is covered more thoroughly in the final (quite lovely) stanza and doesn't really have a place here. Also, I think "heavy-breath metaphor" is your closest trip toward cliche. I would suggest revisiting that second line to make the third seem less out of place (because I quite like "punctuated by eyes" but it's lost at the moment).
Your second stanza has grammar issues. You don't need a dash on the first line, and you should have "wait" on the second. Also, you again confuse your senses a little bit as you start that stanza with touch. You could instead give the impression of reading Braille (but don't say that of course, as it's kind of cheesy). Maybe even something along the lines of "fingers receive messages through fluent body language".
The third stanza is probably best left alone, with the possible exception of replacing that dash with a comma.
(03-27-2015, 08:28 AM)summermoose Wrote: A kiss
A delicate hand-written message
speaks in heavy-breath metaphor,
punctuated by eyes.
A touch signs the letter -
I eagerly await to read, boldly written in
fluent body language.
Lips say more when unattached to words.
Closing our eyes –
we converse.
It could be worse
Hi there. I enjoyed the overall feel and concept but (like others) feel it lacks depth or detail. I'm left wanting more (which is surely not a bad thing?). So, I would suggest simply carrying on where you left off, and giving the reader a little bit extra. The idea of words unspoken may also be a touch cliche, so could be wise to steer clear of this (only an opinion, however) ... overall, I enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing!
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(03-27-2015, 08:28 AM)summermoose Wrote: I have been trying some less structured stuff and am confused with where to take it. Looking at something too much one loses perspective, so would love some feedback. Also - this subject, a kiss, can become cliche quickly so I'm trying to figure out how best to go about it. Thanks for any critique!
A kiss
A delicate hand-written message
speaks in heavy-breath metaphor,
punctuated by eyes.
A touch signs the letter -
I eagerly await to read, boldly written in
fluent body language.
Lips say more when unattached to words.
Closing our eyes –
we converse.
I like this metaphor, a agree with Tiger's suggestion as to change. "Punctuated by eyes>" does seem awkwa; rd. It could be said another way, but I think you could make this a little personal by using either his/her eyes in some way here as you do later with and "I" and "we"/ Nice image
and statement. Loretta
(03-27-2015, 08:28 AM)summermoose Wrote: I have been trying some less structured stuff and am confused with where to take it. Looking at something too much one loses perspective, so would love some feedback. Also - this subject, a kiss, can become cliche quickly so I'm trying to figure out how best to go about it. Thanks for any critique!
A kiss
A delicate hand-written message
speaks in heavy-breath metaphor,
punctuated by eyes.
A touch signs the letter -
I eagerly await to read, boldly written in
fluent body language.
Lips say more when unattached to words.
Closing our eyes –
we converse.
I find this poem simple yet elegant, creative but very understandable. I get it. great imagery. Really captured the emotion and the true essence of a true kiss. "lips say more when unattached to words. Closing our eyes - we converse." Love this line, really captures the essence of a true kiss for me. All in all I really like your poem and think it would appeal to many people, I'm not a professor of English however so what would I know. Lol
I would not change the letter line, it's a message signed with a touch, the signals she or he was sending seemed to really be sent home with a touch. I was always told you know a girl likes you If she touches you so for me the the touch signing the letter is the culmination of the two peoples flirtations or courtship or watever u wanna call it coming to the climax. The emotions boiling over at this point would only be ruined with words so they speak with body language getting closer and closer till finally they close their eyes- and converse. Beautiful poem, sorry but I wudnt Change much other than grammar
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"I eagerly await to read, boldly written in
fluent body language."
To me, these two lines seem a bit awkward. They feel like they're clashing in my mind. You could try rephrasing it or using a different metaphor, but I can't really give you an example for that one.
"Lips say more when unattached to words.
Closing our eyes –
we converse."
This is my favorite line, describes kissing in the best way possible.
"A delicate hand-written message
speaks in heavy-breath metaphor"
I think spoken might be better here, but that could just be me misunderstanding the poem or grammar in general.
Great poem, though 
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