I've changed it up a bit based on all the great feedback. I took out the parentheticals, it got too confusing to try to work with them, I can only imagine how it must have felt to read them. Let me know what you think of the new draft!

In Love with The Coffeeshop Girl

Every morning
I order a double Americano and a fresh pastry,
and write about The Coffeeshop Girl.

I'm in love with The Coffeeshop Girl.
I know she feels the same.

I say, 'good morning!'
She winks and asks, 'the usual?'
I smile and leave a tip.

I sit by the window behind a notebook and thick frames.
Another notebook with thick frames sits at the counter,
more thick frames with laptops sit at tables.

They say, "good morning!"
She winks and asks, "the usual?"
They smile and leave a tip.

They all order double Americanos,
eat fresh pastries,
and write about The Coffeeshop Girl.

Quote:first draft

Every morning I order a double americano
(So refined!)
and a fresh pastry,
(How continental!)
and write poems about The Coffeeshop Girl.
(He's probably writing a novel...)

The Coffeeshop Girl and I are in love but we're both too shy to admit it.
We tell each other in subtle ways.
I say things like "Good Morning." I smile. I leave a tip.
She says things like "the usual?" and "have a nice day!"

I sit by the window behind a notebook and thick frames.
Another notebook with thick frames sits at the counter, more thick frames with laptops sit at tables.
They say things like "Good Morning." They smile. They leave a tip.
She says things like "the usual?" and "have a nice day!"

We all order double americanos.
(So predictable!)
We all eat the fresh pastries.
(How cliché!)
We write all poems about The Coffeeshop Girl.
(He's probably just like the rest...)
We're all in love with The Coffeeshop Girl.

(10-07-2014, 08:47 AM)b.abraham Wrote:  In Love with The Coffeeshop Girl

Every morning I order a double americano
(So refined!)
and a fresh pastry,
(How continental!)
and write poems about The Coffeeshop Girl.
(He's probably writing a novel...)

The Coffeeshop Girl and I are in love but we're both too shy to admit it.
We tell each other in subtle ways.
I say things like "Good Morning," I smile. I leave a tip. (why did you put good morning in Inverted commas like you are quoting someone else.)
She says things like "the usual?" and "Have a nice day!". (the usual? what do you mean? the usual can be anything in a conversation. Being a little specific could help the reader get a grasp of what you are trying to say.)


I sit by the window behind a notebook and thick frames.
Another notebook with thick frames sits at the counter, more thick frames with laptops sit at tables.
They say things like "Good Morning," they smile. They leave a tip.
She says things like "the usual?" and "Have a nice day!".

We all order double americanos.
(So predictable!)
We all eat the fresh pastries.
(How cliché!)
We write all poems about The Coffeeshop Girl.
(He's probably just like the rest...)
We're all in love with The Coffeeshop Girl.

I like the title and the setting you base your poem on. coffee shops are a common place for writers. nice one.
I think the flow of the poem was not good because of the meter of your lines used. I think it was a little rough to read. Try using a good meter to make your lines smooth.
I know i am still a learner in poetry but whats with the brackets.
Your poem seems to take a leap to you and the girl both start ordering the double America-nos. Maybe a line on how you two get together could make he poem much interesting.
I think you should work on your punctuations in the lines. 
Thanks for poem.

Mwaba, thanks for the feedback! Maybe I should have been more clear that this was free verse, but which parts were hard to read? I definitely want to iron out those creases.

The parentheticals are somewhere between my detached critique and what I imagine The Coffeeshop girl to be thinking about me. I couldn't think of a better way to convey that, anyone have any suggestions?

The second stanza was meant to suggest that she is the barista; the third, that she has this exchange with every customer. "The usual?" is referencing the first stanza where I talk about getting the same thing every day. How can I make this interaction clearer?

The last stanza isn't about me and The Coffeeshop Girl getting together, the "we" was meant as I and the rest of the patrons of this coffee shop.

(10-07-2014, 08:47 AM)b.abraham Wrote:  Hi - I like the turn in your poem! You bring emotion without pathos, nicely handled. I think maybe you could lose some words without losing the feeling, but maybe that's just me and my need to slash everything back.


In Love with The Coffeeshop Girl

Every morning I order a double americano
(So refined!) Your use of capitals doesn't seem constant - I'd expect Americano and Continental, but none on (so refined!) and (how ...) and (he's ...)
and a fresh pastry, what kind of pastry?
(How continental!)
and write poems about The Coffeeshop Girl. The 'and' 'and' bugs me - feels too prosey.
(He's probably writing a novel...) I think the parentheses for her imagined thoughts works well.

The Coffeeshop Girl and I are in love but we're both too shy to admit it.
We tell each other in subtle ways. Do you need this line? You show it in the next two lines.
I say things like "Good Morning." I smile. I leave a tip.
She says things like "the usual?" and "have a nice day!" Are these needed? Somehow I want her responses to be in the same form as your statements - and using the same system of capitals.


I sit by the window behind a notebook and thick frames. I get the image, but this sounds a bit clunky.
Another notebook with thick frames sits at the counter, more thick frames with laptops sit at tables. too many sits
They say things like "Good Morning." They smile. They leave a tip.
She says things like "the usual?" and "have a nice day!" same response as that on the first stanza.

We all order double americanos.
(So predictable!)
We all eat the fresh pastries. needed?
(How cliché!)
We write all poems about The Coffeeshop Girl. We all write? maybe just 'and write poems ...'
(He's probably just like the rest...)
We're all in love with The Coffeeshop Girl. The repetition of The Coffee Shop Girl makes me see that you don't really know her at all, yet I still sympathize with you.

I enjoyed your poem - thanks for posting it.

Thanks, Mercedes! This is also really great feedback! I think I might have gotten a little excited revising this one before posting it, I'm definitely going to cut back on some words in the next draft. Definitely nixing "things like", and I think I've figured out how to format the dialogue so that it flows better. I also might scrap the parentheticals, I liked the idea but I might save it for something else. The second draft is probably going to be about half as long!

(10-07-2014, 08:47 AM)b.abraham Wrote:  In Love with The Coffeeshop Girl

Every morning I order a double americano
(So refined!)
and a fresh pastry,
(How continental!)
and write poems about The Coffeeshop Girl.
(He's probably writing a novel...)

The Coffeeshop Girl and I are in love but we're both too shy to admit it.
We tell each other in subtle ways.
I say things like "Good Morning." I smile. I leave a tip.
She says things like "the usual?" and "have a nice day!"

I sit by the window behind a notebook and thick frames.
Another notebook with thick frames sits at the counter, more thick frames with laptops sit at tables.
They say things like "Good Morning." They smile. They leave a tip.
She says things like "the usual?" and "have a nice day!"

We all order double americanos.
(So predictable!)
We all eat the fresh pastries.
(How cliché!)
We write all poems about The Coffeeshop Girl.
(He's probably just like the rest...)
We're all in love with The Coffeeshop Girl.

This is a bit wordy. Some of the longer lines throw off the rhythm, but you could cut a few words here and there to improve the flow. I sympathize with the speaker. He is very consistent. He always orders the same thing, and he is always think about the same girl. The parentheses didn't quite make sense to me at first, but I like to think that they are the comments that the speaker thinks The Coffee Shop Girl is thinking. Going with that interpretation, I really like the fact you capitalized The Coffee Shop Girl. The fact that the speaker imagines her thinking of him writing a novel makes it work for me, after all "The Coffee Shop Girl" wouldn't be a half bad title. Now the speaker seems a bit detached from reality. He thinks that the common interaction the two share is somehow a love connection. Is he in denial? Maybe. Maybe we all are... I love that, because we are all in love with the coffee shop girl! That last line really reinforces the theme of being unsure of we think, and what is real. The parentheses in the last stanza didn't quite work as well in my opinion. I feel like you missed the opportunity to give the reader a little more insight on the coffee girl, or how the speaker views her. The generalization is good, but the parentheses lose that coffee girl thought process effect that is more specific in the first stanza. Also I could live without the thick glasses and lap tops everywhere stanza entirely. That just reminds me of why I hate Starbucks... They covered that in a Family Guy bit, it is pretty funny. Anyways I think you could cut down the word count here significantly without losing anything important. I really like what you are going for, the specific to the general tactic broadens the theme and is a great closer. The body needs a little fine tuning, but I'm not going to lie... I'm in love with The Coffee Shop Girl too.

Wow, thanks guys! I can't get over how great this feedback is! I think the next draft is going to be very boiled down. I'm going to read some more stuff elsewhere on forum and get some distance from The Coffeeshop Girl before I post anything new. Can anyone tell me what the etiquette on posting a second draft is? Should I edit my original, post a reply, or start a new thread?

(10-07-2014, 02:25 PM)b.abraham Wrote:  Wow, thanks guys! I can't get over how great this feedback is! I think the next draft is going to be very boiled down. I'm going to read some more stuff elsewhere on forum and get some distance from The Coffeeshop Girl before I post anything new. Can anyone tell me what the etiquette on posting a second draft is? Should I edit my original, post a reply, or start a new thread?

We're encouraged to post the edit(s) above the first draft, so readers can follow the changes. We all learn by this!

Lovely concept, but improve on the part when you introduce another guy might give the readers more sensation. I also feeling that the rhythm is not very good and the flow is not very smooth. In overall, I like the idea and I will looking forward to your next edit.

(10-07-2014, 08:47 AM)b.abraham Wrote:  In Love with The Coffeeshop Girl

Every morning I order a double americano
(So refined!)
and a fresh pastry,
(How continental!)
and write poems about The Coffeeshop Girl.
(He's probably writing a novel...)

The Coffeeshop Girl and I are in love but we're both too shy to admit it.
We tell each other in subtle ways.
I say things like "Good Morning." I smile. I leave a tip.
She says things like "the usual?" and "have a nice day!"

I sit by the window behind a notebook and thick frames.
Another notebook with thick frames sits at the counter, more thick frames with laptops sit at tables.
They say things like "Good Morning." They smile. They leave a tip.
She says things like "the usual?" and "have a nice day!"

We all order double americanos.
(So predictable!)
We all eat the fresh pastries.
(How cliché!)
We write all poems about The Coffeeshop Girl.
(He's probably just like the rest...)
We're all in love with The Coffeeshop Girl.

This speaks strongly not only of shyness, but also repressed emotion. The setting is great, I wonder if you could somehow let the inner emotions of the characters through a bit.

i have to say i thoroughly enjoyed the read of this.
the narrative is complete with the usage of some good strong images. it has the reader feeling sorry for the first person in the poem great effort.

(10-07-2014, 08:47 AM)b.abraham Wrote:  In Love with The Coffeeshop Girl

Every morning I order a double americano
(So refined!) is so needed?
and a fresh pastry,
(How continental!) i like the separated thoughts of this and the 2nd line.
and write poems about The Coffeeshop Girl. is coffeeshop one word?
(He's probably writing a novel...) he's or she's? or i'm?

The Coffeeshop Girl and I are in love but we're both too shy to admit it. no need for [we're both]
We tell each other in subtle ways. a suggestion would be [show] instead of [tell]
I say things like "Good Morning." I smile. I leave a tip. "good morning" could have it's own line in order to make it pop and to separated the action from the speech. i'd also suggest [i smile and leave a tip]
She says things like "the usual?" and "have a nice day!"

I sit by the window behind a notebook and thick frames. good image that gives the reader a picture of the 1st person in the poem
Another notebook with thick frames sits at the counter, more thick frames with laptops sit at tables. i really like this line but would suggest breaking it down a little.
They say things like "Good Morning." They smile. They leave a tip. again i'd suggest a [good morning] on it's own line and as awell as [an leave a tip]
She says things like "the usual?" and "have a nice day!" i love the pain this stanza imparts. knowing that he's one of many like minded customers must be crucifying him,

We all order double americanos.
(So predictable!)
We all eat the fresh pastries.
(How cliché!)
We write all poems about The Coffeeshop Girl. [we all write poems] reads better for me here
(He's probably just like the rest...) this line feels ambiguous as to who he is.
We're all in love with The Coffeeshop Girl.

I think removing the parenthesis made this poem so much better and allows the reader to think the things that you were forcing on them before.

I was thinking maybe you could say:
I sit by the window behind a notebook and thick frames.
Another notebook with thick frames sits at the counter,
more thick frames with laptops sit at the tables

I felt like it needed a "the" before tables like you had before counters, or maybe try:

I sit by the window behind a notebook and thick frames.
Other notebooks with thick frames sit at counters,
more thick frames with laptops sit at tables

I just think having those match makes it easier to read

I definitely like your revisions. I usually write in regular meter and rhyme, but I think this a great little poem even without those two things. Clever use of repetition, and I especially appreciate how you didn't just come out and say "all the other guys are in love with her too, and none of us have a chance." You showed it, rather than said it.

I like the changes. The poem is tighter, more concise. I think the repeat of the first conversation with everyone else in the coffee shop is much clearer. My only concern is the repeat of "The Coffee Shop Girl" in line 4. It is too wordy and too close to line 3. I'd consider changing it to "her."

First let me say I thought this poem was fresh and fun. That title really jumps out to me.

I only had a few issues with the poem. The flow was a little off especially the 4th stanza.
Also in the 2nd stanza you say " I know she feels the same" but how can she be in love with you when she has the same response to everyone that says good morning? What makes you different then the other "thick frames"?

(10-07-2014, 08:47 AM)b.abraham Wrote:  I've changed it up a bit based on all the great feedback. I took out the parentheticals, it got too confusing to try to work with them, I can only imagine how it must have felt to read them. Let me know what you think of the new draft!

In Love with The Coffeeshop Girl

Every morning
I order a double Americano and a fresh pastry,
and write about The Coffeeshop Girl.

I'm in love with The Coffeeshop Girl.
I know she feels the same.

I say, 'good morning!'
She winks and asks, 'the usual?'
I smile and leave a tip.

I sit by the window behind a notebook and thick frames.
Another notebook with thick frames sits at the counter,
more thick frames with laptops sit at tables.

They say, "good morning!"
She winks and asks, "the usual?"
They smile and leave a tip.

They all order double Americanos,
eat fresh pastries,
and write about The Coffeeshop Girl.

Quote:first draft

Every morning I order a double americano
(So refined!)
and a fresh pastry,
(How continental!)
and write poems about The Coffeeshop Girl.
(He's probably writing a novel...)

The Coffeeshop Girl and I are in love but we're both too shy to admit it.
We tell each other in subtle ways.
I say things like "Good Morning." I smile. I leave a tip.
She says things like "the usual?" and "have a nice day!"

I sit by the window behind a notebook and thick frames.
Another notebook with thick frames sits at the counter, more thick frames with laptops sit at tables.
They say things like "Good Morning." They smile. They leave a tip.
She says things like "the usual?" and "have a nice day!"

We all order double americanos.
(So predictable!)
We all eat the fresh pastries.
(How cliché!)
We write all poems about The Coffeeshop Girl.
(He's probably just like the rest...)
We're all in love with The Coffeeshop Girl.

I don't know if its just how I read this post but I was lost halfway through. but the image was described very well. once again im not sure if its how I read it. around when you said "they say good morning"

This is a good insight into misogyny. It's interesting but I really just don't like it. On the whole, it is boring, this man claims he loves the girl but never does anything to 'get her'. He simply believes she loves him too, when she clearly doesn't.
Maybe, if you gave a face to the coffee-shop girl, then I could understand the love. But for now, it remains a mystery. Use more commas

The revisions are great, you improved the readability and flow of the poem tenfold.
At the beginning the narrator is so caught up in his love that he knows she MUST feel the same about him, for they have such a special bond. By the end it is realized that he is just one of many adoring writers at the shop, whom she cares nothing for.
I love the revised poem, it is simple, easy, and provides a crisp image of the many admirers. The repitition of thick frames in the fourth stanza is a little disruptive, but I personally after a few minutes could not think of any possible way to alleviate that without messing it up in some bigger way, though someone else might think of something.
Great poem and good luck!

I really like both versions. the revised one is definitely easier to read, and i like that. I like the addition of the word "winks" it really adds more images in my head. I would love to say that i absolutely love the newest version, but I MISS THE GIRLS THOUGHTS! I really fell in love with her imagined thoughts, and i would like to see them in the revised version. Maybe not in parentheses if its hard to work with, as i can imagine, but i personally did not find them hard to read. Thanks for this poem!

I personally enjoyed the story better with the imagined and then possibly real thoughts included. Perhaps utilizing italics instead of parentheses would be easier on some readers, I'm not sure. Without these, the poem loses some of its impact and freshness.

2 cents.

bena