ephemeral

[Tamara]

the

shore beck-

ons

waves to

hurl their shells

empty.

they

leave im-

permanent

prints before be-

ing wiped by

the pull

and

the push

of rising

waters

that

wash a-

shore

[cjchaffin]

the

shore beck- 

ons

waves to

hurl their shells

empty.

they

leave im-

permanent

prints before be-

ing wiped by

the pull

and

the push

of rising

waters

that

wash a-

shore

this is a wave waltz, yes?


A modern form written in a single stanza of nineteen lines. The lines are extremely short with a specific syllable count which is: 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, 3, 2, 1, 2, 3, 2, 1, 2, 1. The form is so loose it not only allows enjambment, but actual splitting of words to fit the form.


just for clarification...  

i'm not sure if the split words here work. it almost makes the read too choppy, and i wonder if the poem would benefit from standard strophes. for example:

the shore beckons

waves to hurl 

their shells

empty.

they leave 

impermanent prints 

before being wiped 

by the pull

and the push

of rising

waters

or something to that effect. what do you think? i like the content, i just don't know if the form works here.

[billy]

the -'s don't work for me and some of the line lengths read as too short. this makes the poem feel gimmicky.

without the short line length you have what to me is a reasonable poem without cliche i like the last ashore as it make me restart the poem shorter lines need to have lots of purpose or else they ruin the poem.


the shore beckons
waves to hurl their shells is to needed?
empty they leave
impermanent prints before being
wiped by the pull and the push
of rising waters that wash ashore

[Tamara]

the

shore beck- 

ons

waves to

hurl their shells

empty.

they

leave im-

permanent

prints before be-

ing wiped by

the pull

and

the push

of rising

waters

that

wash a-

shore

this is a wave waltz, yes?


A modern form written in a single stanza of nineteen lines. The lines are extremely short with a specific syllable count which is: 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, 3, 2, 1, 2, 3, 2, 1, 2, 1. The form is so loose it not only allows enjambment, but actual splitting of words to fit the form.


just for clarification...  

i'm not sure if the split words here work. it almost makes the read too choppy, and i wonder if the poem would benefit from standard strophes. for example:

the shore beckons

waves to hurl 

their shells

empty.

they leave 

impermanent prints 

before being wiped 

by the pull

and the push

of rising

waters

or something to that effect. what do you think? i like the content, i just don't know if the form works here.

yes, it is a wave waltz. it reads better in strophes. i was trying to do something different. but maybe it does not work for this poem. 

[Tamara]

the -'s don't work for me and some of the line lengths read as too short. this makes the poem feel gimmicky.

without the short line length you have what to me is a reasonable poem without cliche i like the last ashore as it make me restart the poem shorter lines need to have lots of purpose or else they ruin the poem.


the shore beckons
waves to hurl their shells is to needed?
empty they leave
impermanent prints before being
wiped by the pull and the push
of rising waters that wash ashore

ok , i ll come back with an edit removing the shorter lines.

[Tamara]

The shore beckons,
waves hurl their shells
empty. They leave impermanent prints
before being wiped by the pull
and the push of rising waters.

i hope this reads okay. i used minimal punctuation to make it better (i suppose)

[billy]

it reads a lot better. is a lot easier on the eye

The shore beckons,
waves hurl their shells
empty. They leave impermanent prints is the period and capped T needed?
before being wiped by the pull
and the push of rising waters. i like the last two lines a lot they create a solid image

i hope this reads okay. i used minimal punctuation to make it better (i suppose)

[Tamara]

Thank you. It wouldn't read right without a comma or period.

The shore beckons,
waves hurl their shells
empty, they leave impermanent prints
before being wiped by the pull
and the push of rising waters.

[rayheinrich]

Thank you. It wouldn't read right without a comma or period.

The shore beckons,
waves hurl their shells
empty, they leave impermanent prints
before being wiped by the pull
and the push of rising waters.

That "impermanent" bothers me.
"They leave impermanent prints before being wiped" is like saying
"the dish was breakable before it was broken".

I liked the very short lines in the original; maybe not some of the broken words, but
definitely the short lines. I think the rhythm they induce fits the content of the poem.

[Tamara]

thank you. visually i like the poem with the short lines. it is more appealing to the eyes.

[rayheinrich]

thank you. visually i like the poem with the short lines. it is more appealing to the eyes.

And not just appealing; it's a separate language that's capable of communications
not possible with words. One of the truest differences between poetry and prose.