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1st edit:
I Know One Thing
Pile the ashes
into a hill.
Burned paper, dry
leaves, unceremoniously.
Flames quiet,
drain colours out
and shrivel what's left.
Pile the ashes,
no pulp, no ink,
just grey.
original:
I Know One Thing
Pile the ashes
up into a hill.
Burnt paper, dried
leaves, without romance.
Flames flat, quiet,
drain colours out
and shrivel what's left.
Pile the ashes,
no white, no black,
just grey.
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Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
i get the feeling something is missing. thers a visual image of the pile of paper/ashes and an emotional image of zero romance and i coan't reconcile toe two.
(09-25-2014, 05:53 PM)brandontoh Wrote: I Know One Thing
Pile the ashes
up into a hill.
Burnt paper, dried
leaves, without romance.
Flames flat, quiet,
drain colours out
and shrivel what's left.
Pile the ashes,
no white, no black,
just grey.
Posts: 250
Threads: 85
Joined: Dec 2013
I Know One Thing
--no emboldening, no underline
Pile the ashes
[cut:up] into a hill.
Burn[ed] paper, dr[y]
--burnt paper is paper with a burn; burned paper is ashes
--"dried" makes it seem like some agent dried them
leaves, without romance.
--without romance? Do you mean "unceremoniously"? Romance is, usually, the sexual goings-on of adults
--are the leaves ash???
--overall, this stanza is a frag, and I don't see a reason why it needs to be
Flames flat, quiet,
drain colours out
--is "flat" a verb??? I can't go there w you 
and shrivel what's left.
--what's left? I don't have any idea, but you'd think it'd be the most important info in the poem
Pile the ashes,
no white, no black,
just grey.
Back!
--is the "no white, no black" a command? a description of the ash? a notion of the narrator?
A yak is normal.
Posts: 250
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If this is a poem about pyromantic love--and I kinda think it might be--that's a cool and awesome idea . . .
A yak is normal.
Posts: 212
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Joined: Jan 2013
Thanks billy, thanks crow! =)
Yes, I do mean unceremoniously. I think you hit all the nails on the head. Though pyromantic is not what I'm going for. I've edited it though, hopefully it makes the image clearer
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much better. i prefer unceremoniously as it gives the image of the paper residue rising.
not sure about the dry/leaves, enjambment
and i still feel i should know a bit more about the why of it than i do.
(09-25-2014, 05:53 PM)brandontoh Wrote: 1st edit:
I Know One Thing
Pile the ashes
into a hill.
Burned paper, dry
leaves, unceremoniously.
Flames quiet,
drain colours out
and shrivel what's left.
Pile the ashes,
no pulp, no ink,
just grey.
original:
I Know One Thing
Pile the ashes
up into a hill.
Burnt paper, dried
leaves, without romance.
Flames flat, quiet,
drain colours out
and shrivel what's left.
Pile the ashes,
no white, no black,
just grey.
just mercedes
Unregistered
1st edit:
I Know One Thing
Pile the ashes
into a hill.
Burned paper, dry
leaves, unceremoniously.
Flames quiet,
drain colours out
and shrivel what's left.
Pile the ashes,
no pulp, no ink,
just grey.
Hi - the timing in your poem stands out to me - you start in the present and go back to the past, the fire (burned paper). But that fire stanza is in present tense (flames quiet, drain colour) . I want to read 'burnt paper' too.
The second stanza feels clunky - the fragment doesn't really work for me. I do like the 'unceremoniously' there; it seems to contradict what happens. There is a feeling of ceremony to the poem, a solemnity which alerts your reader to the fact that the fire is a metaphor for some human emotion - whether love or loss doesn't matter.
Also I wonder if both 'pile' and 'hill' are needed.
Posts: 212
Threads: 31
Joined: Jan 2013
billy: the enjambment is meant to accentuate the... dryness of the atmosphere. Not sure if that makes sense or even work. Yeah, it's best to change it.
mercedes: thanks for the feedback! Burnt paper, maybe there are secret writings on it.
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