Palaver

[Tamara]

I was sitting in this quaint tea stall,
tinned roof noisy in the January breeze—
a few wooden benches, kettle boiling
in the corner with the brew
and the rising flavor of ginger.
The tea boy comes
with tea in an old glass,
a layer of froth on the top.
I sip watching the Mexican Lilac tree,
its branches spread out like the legs of the spider.
A group of Japanese tourists come in.
One sits next to me and looks at the ground
carpeted with pink petals. He looks at me
starts a conversation and we talk about
Japan and cherry blossoms

[billy]

i like this a lot, others may not
with the font; i think if you highlight it all then click on font you won't have to do it with every line. as it is it's hard to separate the wheat from the code.

okay the poem; it's very mallow very extended vignette. it captures a mundane moment in an original way and draws the reader in. i loved the soft ending of the poem and was reminded of other things with it instead of being left flat. just  a couple of nits to give it a bit more brevity. thanks for the read.

I was sitting in this quaint tea stall, would sat work better?No Billy. It most certainly would not Best, tectak
tinned roof noisy in the January breeze—
a few wooden benches, kettle boiling
in the corner with the brew
and the rising flavor of ginger. i like the smell of this line it was the [rising] that lifted it to an image
The tea boy comes
with tea in an old glass,
a layer of froth on the top.
I sip watching the Mexican Lilac tree,
its branches spread out like the legs of the spider. would legs of [a] spider; work better?
A group of Japanese tourists come in.
One sits next to me and looks at the ground
carpeted with pink petals. He looks at me
starts a conversation and we talk about
Japan and cherry blossoms love this end line, within it is a connection to the haiku and the japanese guy. it also closes the poem off well

[Tamara]

i like this a lot, others may not
with the font; i think if you highlight it all then click on font you won't have to do it with every line. as it is it's hard to separate the wheat from the code.

okay the poem; it's very mallow very extended vignette. it captures a mundane moment in an original way and draws the reader in. i loved the soft ending of the poem and was reminded of other things with it instead of being left flat. just  a couple of nits to give it a bit more brevity. thanks for the read.

I was sitting in this quaint tea stall, would sat work better?No Billy. It most certainly would not Best, tectak
tinned roof noisy in the January breeze—
a few wooden benches, kettle boiling
in the corner with the brew
and the rising flavor of ginger. i like the smell of this line it was the [rising] that lifted it to an image
The tea boy comes
with tea in an old glass,
a layer of froth on the top.
I sip watching the Mexican Lilac tree,
its branches spread out like the legs of the spider. would legs of [a] spider; work better?
A group of Japanese tourists come in.
One sits next to me and looks at the ground
carpeted with pink petals. He looks at me
starts a conversation and we talk about
Japan and cherry blossoms love this end line, within it is a connection to the haiku and the japanese guy. it also closes the poem off well

thank you. 

i wanted to give a sort of movement , hence 'sitting'. i wonder if 'am sitting' would be better instead of 'was sitting'. i wanted to capture a simple moment from my life and close it off with a zen - ish feel. i hope it worked.

and yes, i am having issues with the formatting. hopefully i will figure it out soon.

[billy]

maybe i am sitting or i am sat.

[Tamara]

I am sitting in this quaint tea stall,
tinned roof noisy in the January breeze—
a few wooden benches, kettle boiling
in the corner with the brew
and the rising flavor of ginger.
The tea boy comes
with tea in an old glass,
a layer of froth on the top.
I sip watching the Mexican Lilac tree,
its branches spread out like the legs of a spider.
A group of Japanese tourists come in.
One sits next to me and looks at the ground
carpeted with pink petals. He looks at me
starts a conversation and we talk about
Japan and cherry blossoms

i changed it to 'a' spider and 'am sitting'.

'i am sat' , really?   , would it work here?

[ellajam]

Hi, tamara, . This is a full moment, worth isolating and you did it well. Here are a few thoughts.

I was sitting in this quaint tea stall, I don't think "quaint" does much here, you could lose or replace it.
tinned roof noisy in the January breeze— Great line, brought me right there.
a few wooden benches, kettle boiling
in the corner with the brew
and the rising flavor of ginger. I enjoyed the breaks on these three lines.
The tea boy comes
with tea in an old glass, I think you could cut "tea in", and do better than "old", is it scuffed? chipped?
a layer of froth on the top. Again, brings me right there.
I sip watching the Mexican Lilac tree, Watching sounds off, maybe comma watch or something better.
its branches spread out like the legs of the spider. Such a clear image.
A group of Japanese tourists come in. Possibly comma or semicolon.
One sits next to me and looks at the ground
carpeted with pink petals. He looks at me Possibly looks down at the carpet of.
starts a conversation and we talk about
Japan and cherry blossoms I like the missing period here.

I very much enjoyed this, I think a little nip and tuck would really polish it up. Well done, thanks for posting it.

[Tamara]

ellajam, thank you for checking this out. i like the suggestions. i will work them out and post an edit based on your suggestions.

[Tamara]

the edited version (i am keeping quaint):

I am sitting in this quaint tea stall,
tinned roof noisy in the January breeze
a few wooden benches, kettle boiling
in the corner with the brew
and the rising flavor of ginger
The tea boy comes
with tea in a scuffed glass,
a layer of froth on the top.
I sip, look at the Mexican Lilac tree,
its branches spread out like the legs of a spider.
A group of Japanese tourists come in;
one sits next to me and looks down at the
carpet of pink petals. He
starts a conversation and we talk about
Japan and cherry blossoms

[just mercedes]

Hi - I like the way your edit has refined your poem. A slight hitch for me are 'sitting', 'boiling', 'rising' and the sing-song rhythm they set up which stops me from listening. 'I am sitting' is a very passive construction. You don't need the capital O on 'one'. Starting with 'one', those next three lines sound prosey, lacking in poetic flavour. Maybe quote his words, instead of telling me he starts a conversation.

It's worth refining, it's a lovely moment, and contains a lot of sensory impressions that leave me feeling as though I was there with you. Thanks for posting!

[Tamara]

i too dislike the -ing words but i wanted to give a sort of movement there. i'll see how i can work that out in a better way. the capital 'o' was a typo. i'll edit that now.