A Broken Mirror

[zahrakh]

It is actually an old piece. Let's see how you can help me improve it.

A Broken Mirror
A mirror got broken,
With music playing so loud " they
never found out
The mirror lay broken, in corner of
that deserted
room
The party went on,
They happily sang and joked,
Talked of exciting things and joyous
events,
The lights made their faces glow,
their hearts
merry and bright
The mixed sounds of instruments
being played,
Suppressed chuckles, expressive
laughter,
And even screams of ecstasy and joy,
Ran through their ears to their minds
As if washing off their memories,
Making them forget, things that
must always be
remembered.
Their senses must have gone
numb,like their
sensibilities,
As the party went on, and they still
didn’t care to
find out
That with the music playing so loud,
Were they being kept from hearing,
Sounds of things being broken,
being destroyed,
Like the mirror that lay shattered,
On the floor of a room just nearby.

[Todd]

I think there's a lot of repetition that doesn't serve the piece. If your title is A Broken Mirror for instance your first line is unnecessary. There are a lot of areas we could touch on, but let's start with eliminating as much as possible that still allows for content and tone and see what you have left. Take it down to the bones and see what must be there. I think you have a lot of overwriting going on.

Just thoughts.

Best,

Todd

It is actually an old piece. Let's see how you can help me improve it.

A Broken Mirror
A mirror got broken,
With music playing so loud " they
never found out
The mirror lay broken, in corner of
that deserted
room
The party went on,
They happily sang and joked,
Talked of exciting things and joyous
events,
The lights made their faces glow,
their hearts
merry and bright
The mixed sounds of instruments
being played,
Suppressed chuckles, expressive
laughter,
And even screams of ecstasy and joy,
Ran through their ears to their minds
As if washing off their memories,
Making them forget, things that
must always be
remembered.
Their senses must have gone
numb,like their
sensibilities,
As the party went on, and they still
didn’t care to
find out
That with the music playing so loud,
Were they being kept from hearing,
Sounds of things being broken,
being destroyed,
Like the mirror that lay shattered,
On the floor of a room just nearby.

[zahrakh]

Thank you sam and todd

[danny_]

the story going on here is good. i really like what is being expressed. the way it is expressed needs work, of course, that's why you were willing to post here.

first let me say, please keep your originals in separate folder, for two reasons. one, the are wonderful keepsakes to look back on and see how far you've come. also, they hold all the original hot-off-the-press content that comes in a first draft, and may be good to dig back into later, such as if you deleted something good without realizing, and later you go back and see that it was good and use it again.

along with the previous advice of slimming words down as much as possible without losing meaning, try to show us some of this stuff going on. for example, paint us some face expressions and people falling over from too much wine, or if it's not that bad, at least scooping the punch out of the bowl. give us the vision.

you know the vision, we don't. it's not entirely important for the point you make with the poem, because the point is clear and i like it. but as you may have heard, it's better to "show" than "tell".

[billy]

lots of lines that say almost nothing

They happily sang and joked,
Talked of exciting things and joyous
events,
The lights made their faces glow,
their hearts
merry and bright

it shows the reader nothing
'they partied' says it all

with a simile;
they partied like champagne bubbles
shows us an image,

i suggest losing every line that says little or repeats what's already be said. and build something solid using simile and other poetic devices.
try not to say anything unless it adds something to the thing.

It is actually an old piece. Let's see how you can help me improve it.

A Broken Mirror
A mirror got broken,
With music playing so loud " they
never found out
The mirror lay broken, in corner of
that deserted
room
The party went on,
They happily sang and joked,
Talked of exciting things and joyous
events,
The lights made their faces glow,
their hearts
merry and bright
The mixed sounds of instruments
being played,
Suppressed chuckles, expressive
laughter,
And even screams of ecstasy and joy,
Ran through their ears to their minds
As if washing off their memories,
Making them forget, things that
must always be
remembered.
Their senses must have gone
numb,like their
sensibilities,
As the party went on, and they still
didn’t care to
find out
That with the music playing so loud,
Were they being kept from hearing,
Sounds of things being broken,
being destroyed,
Like the mirror that lay shattered,
On the floor of a room just nearby.

[zahrakh]

Thank you guys