Posts: 55
Threads: 12
Joined: Sep 2014
O Swan of this enchanted lake
Let me wander inside this magical
dimension
If melancholy causes the charm to
break
With your melodies, I beg thee, heal
this pattern
By this lake tendrils twirling
Humming with an exuberant fashion
One with the amity in your songs
flowing
O Swan let me stay in this blissful
unison
On paths that tomorrow I shall take
Towards a long craved for
destination
I will brace my heart, should my
faith shake
Reliving the moments spent by this
tranquil lake
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
hi zahrakh
the poem falls down almost immediately. the second line's question is very weak. what magical dimension/what are you doing there? at first i thought it was going to be about the actual swan lake them. most of the line's words hold nothing but imponderables.
a suggestion is to think what you'd like to write and do so in a non poetic way. once you have that down start adding a few poetic devices like
assonance, alliteration, consonance, simile or metaphor here
(09-02-2014, 05:53 PM)zahrakh Wrote: O Swan of this enchanted lake
Let me wander inside this magical
dimension
If melancholy causes the charm to
break
With your melodies, I beg thee, heal
this pattern
By this lake tendrils twirling
Humming with an exuberant fashion
One with the amity in your songs
flowing
O Swan let me stay in this blissful
unison
On paths that tomorrow I shall take
Towards a long craved for
destination
I will brace my heart, should my
faith shake
Reliving the moments spent by this
tranquil lake
Posts: 1,325
Threads: 82
Joined: Sep 2013
Hi, zahrakh, welcome.
I remain confused without a clue as to where each thought starts and ends. The lack of punctuation and the capitalization of words that don't seem to be the start of sentences makes it hard for me to follow.
In the first seven lines, I am unsure what the charm is and if it's the melodies or melancholy or both that break the "charm", and I'm unsure if the melodies are the swan's or the lake's. I hope this helps you to see the piece through a reader's eye and leads you to clarify it.
(09-02-2014, 05:53 PM)zahrakh Wrote: O Swan of this enchanted lake
Let me wander inside this magical
dimension
If melancholy causes the charm to
break
With your melodies, I beg thee, heal
this pattern
By this lake tendrils twirling
Humming with an exuberant fashion
One with the amity in your songs
flowing
O Swan let me stay in this blissful
unison
On paths that tomorrow I shall take
Towards a long craved for
destination
I will brace my heart, should my
faith shake
Reliving the moments spent by this
tranquil lake
Just five thoughtful critiques in the workshops makes you a full member who can post anywhere. I hope you continue to work on this.
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Posts: 55
Threads: 12
Joined: Sep 2014
Thank you guys for your critique
Posts: 55
Threads: 12
Joined: Sep 2014
Not very good at punctuation, will try. Any other suggestions?
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
the title makes the reader think of lake. there's not much reason to use 'lake' in the poem try and use different words for lake
O Swan of this enchanted water
