68

[i pray to pills]

i tried to write something about the sometimes called "seattle generation", from 90 's protests against the IMF and globalization until ocuppy everywhere etc. from a 3rd world big city point of view. That was the initial idea.


note that i'm not a english native speaker [ tried to begin a discussion about it here : http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=14786 ]
and i'm really interested about to know exactly how these constructions sounds to native speakers all over;


that's also thought to be sort of a song;


--

68

I wanna live in 68
I wanna dress in black
Break your windows
City smells like crack

I love my cigarettes and flags
Love my band
We are the Adolf Hitlers
Dogs, what a dirty sand.

I got my little indigo girl
She's writing for the news
She knows everything about
How everybody feels

Every man in city
Watches her tv shows
Television won't
Ever be the same.

Television shows
Lock that door
Your boyfriend had a hat
Dogs, what a dirty floor.

--

[rowens]

I got my little indigo girl
She's writing for the news
She knows everything about
How everybody feels

Every man in the city
Watches her tv show
Television won't
Ever be the same.


That part sounds ok, I added a the and took away an s.

I don't know about all this:

Television shows
Lock that door
Your boyfriend had a hat
Dogs, what a dirty floor.

[QDeathstar]

i tried to write something about the sometimes called "seattle generation", from 90 's protests against the IMF and globalization until ocuppy everywhere etc. from a 3rd world big city point of view. That was the initial idea.


note that i'm not a english native speaker [ tried to begin a discussion about it here : http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=14786 ]
and i'm really interested about to know exactly how these constructions sounds to native speakers all over;


that's also thought to be sort of a song;


--

68

I wanna live in 68
I wanna dress in black
Break your windows
City smells like crack


generally, punctuation. But I like this stanza, it's a real attention getter. I like the break your windows; crack flow

I love my cigarettes and flags
Love my band
We are the Adolf Hitlers
Dogs, what a dirty sand.

the "and" kills all the momentum you had...

I got my little indigo girl
She's writing for the news
She knows everything about
How everybody feels

Every man in city
Watches her tv shows
Television won't
Ever be the same.

Television shows
Lock that door
Your boyfriend had a hat
Dogs, what a dirty floor.

--
i just don't get it.

[Brownlie]

i tried to write something about the sometimes called "seattle generation", from 90 's protests against the IMF and globalization until ocuppy everywhere etc. from a 3rd world big city point of view. That was the initial idea.


note that i'm not a english native speaker [ tried to begin a discussion about it here : http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=14786 ]
and i'm really interested about to know exactly how these constructions sounds to native speakers all over;


that's also thought to be sort of a song;

I suggest putting in punctuation.
--

68

I wanna live in 68
I wanna dress in black
Break your windows-- You lose the parallel nature of your list here and it feels unfinished.
City smells like crack -- This doesn't read proper grammatically maybe and the city smells like crack or something.


I love my cigarettes and flags
Love my band
We are the Adolf Hitlers
Dogs, what a dirty sand. -- Dirty sand?


I got my little indigo girl
She's writing for the news
She knows everything about
How everybody feels

Every man in city -- maybe in the city. or in Chicago or something.
Watches her tv shows
Television won't
Ever be the same.

Television shows
Lock that door
Your boyfriend had a hat
Dogs, what a dirty floor.

--

I would work on the grammar here, but you have some interesting ideas.

[stajas]

Hello! I'm new to the forums!

OT: Cool, except for some grammatical errors, and the last part. I don't seem to be able to figure that out..

[i pray to pills]

I got my little indigo girl
She's writing for the news
She knows everything about
How everybody feels

Every man in the city
Watches her tv show
Television won't
Ever be the same.

That part sounds ok, I added a the and took away an s.


thank you.
"tv shows" was meant to say there's a different show everyday.
how exactly that sounds for you ?




I don't know about all this:

Television shows
Lock that door
Your boyfriend had a hat
Dogs, what a dirty floor.

thanks.

this final verse was the more unsolved to me;

this was write directly in english and to me one use for it is to get at the unconscious mind more easily.

what I meant here, as I can see, are 4 diferent images;

the tv show as a universal background, as to say : "people are watching shows like that everywhere, everytime".

"Lock the door" is what somebody is saying. as a metaphor for rational thinking or staying in traditional, common sense thinking. "stay at your little home"; that's a brazilian expression for being not a insane person and i dont know if there's a similar expression somewhere in english.

The indigo girl ' s boyfriend uses a hat as a symbol of traditional behaviour too; that can be a jewish hat, or muslim, or a teenage cap.

the "dirty floor" is about all that. their home dirty floor, their unconscious mind;or their impure common-sense thinking.

---

i tried to write something about the sometimes called "seattle generation", from 90 's protests against the IMF and globalization until ocuppy everywhere etc. from a 3rd world big city point of view. That was the initial idea.


note that i'm not a english native speaker [ tried to begin a discussion about it here : http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=14786 ]
and i'm really interested about to know exactly how these constructions sounds to native speakers all over;


that's also thought to be sort of a song;


--

68

I wanna live in 68
I wanna dress in black
Break your windows
City smells like crack


generally, punctuation. But I like this stanza, it's a real attention getter. I like the break your windows; crack flow

But I was intended to write without punctuation, to give it a non linear aspect. Like if many people were saying and I just take their speeches and paste. Or something that was said by many people ind differente moments.


---

I love my cigarettes and flags
Love my band
We are the Adolf Hitlers
Dogs, what a dirty sand.

the "and" kills all the momentum you had...


"I love my cigarettes, my flags"

what do you suggest ?



I got my little indigo girl
She's writing for the news
She knows everything about
How everybody feels

Every man in city
Watches her tv shows
Television won't
Ever be the same.

Television shows
Lock that door
Your boyfriend had a hat
Dogs, what a dirty floor.

--
i just don't get it.

that's about the indigo children myth; as a satyrical link with the seattle/ occupy generation and the whole folk singer/ flower power thing in the 60 's ; the tv was meant to be a symbol of every media (tv, radio, internet) where the idea of youth rebelion grows through to capture people's mind; man, status quo, patriarchy ,

[tectak]

Hello! I'm new to the forums!

OT: Cool, except for some grammatical errors, and the last part. I don't seem to be able to figure that out..

"Cool" means very little in terms of investment in the English language and nothing at all as useful critique.
Please try to indicate to the writer where areas of confusion, sparcity of expressive language and those grammatical errors you mentioned in passing, lie. This writer has asked for valid crit...so may you.Welcome and well done for what you have done. Do more.
Mod.

[i pray to pills]

i tried to write something about the sometimes called "seattle generation", from 90 's protests against the IMF and globalization until ocuppy everywhere etc. from a 3rd world big city point of view. That was the initial idea.


note that i'm not a english native speaker [ tried to begin a discussion about it here : http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=14786 ]
and i'm really interested about to know exactly how these constructions sounds to native speakers all over;


that's also thought to be sort of a song;

I suggest putting in punctuation.
--

68

I wanna live in 68
I wanna dress in black
Break your windows-- You lose the parallel nature of your list here and it feels unfinished.
City smells like crack -- This doesn't read proper grammatically maybe and the city smells like crack or something.



I wanna break tour windows
and the city smells like crack [ ? ]

the lack of articles sound really that weird ?

--

I love my cigarettes and flags
Love my band
We are the Adolf Hitlers
Dogs, what a dirty sand. -- Dirty sand?


dirty sand refers to pollucted beaches; local turistical points; or desert sand, the general idea of being without water;


I got my little indigo girl
She's writing for the news
She knows everything about
How everybody feels

Every man in city -- maybe in the city. or in Chicago or something.
Watches her tv shows
Television won't
Ever be the same.

Television shows
Lock that door
Your boyfriend had a hat
Dogs, what a dirty floor.

--

I would work on the grammar here, but you have some interesting ideas.

[S.M. Bondurant]

--
68

I wanna live in 68
I wanna dress in black
Break your windows
City smells like crack

I love my cigarettes and flags
Love my band
We are the Adolf Hitlers
Dogs, what a dirty sand.

Up until this point, I really dig where this was going. I can start the see the person this is coming from.

I got my little indigo girl
She's writing for the news
She knows everything about
How everybody feels

Every man in city
Watches her tv shows
Television won't
Ever be the same.

The two stanzas that lead up to this point sort of feel like a real departure for me from the person and the city I was starting to imagine with the first two stanzas.

Television shows
Lock that door
Your boyfriend had a hat
Dogs, what a dirty floor.

The first two lines of this stanza start to bring me back, but then the last two seem to fly off into something else again. I believe there has to be a better way to be more clear though on whether your first line is talking about shows on the television or something that is being shown on the television.

--

I hope that makes sense and is helpful at all. This is the first time I've ever critiqued a piece of poetry, so my opinions are simply those of a reader without a background in the subject.

[i pray to pills]

--
68

I wanna live in 68
I wanna dress in black
Break your windows
City smells like crack

I love my cigarettes and flags
Love my band
We are the Adolf Hitlers
Dogs, what a dirty sand.

Up until this point, I really dig where this was going. I can start the see the person this is coming from.

I got my little indigo girl
She's writing for the news
She knows everything about
How everybody feels

Every man in city
Watches her tv shows
Television won't
Ever be the same.

The two stanzas that lead up to this point sort of feel like a real departure for me from the person and the city I was starting to imagine with the first two stanzas.

Television shows
Lock that door
Your boyfriend had a hat
Dogs, what a dirty floor.

The first two lines of this stanza start to bring me back, but then the last two seem to fly off into something else again. I believe there has to be a better way to be more clear though on whether your first line is talking about shows on the television or something that is being shown on the television.

--

I hope that makes sense and is helpful at all. This is the first time I've ever critiqued a piece of poetry, so my opinions are simply those of a reader without a background in the subject.

Your comment on last stanza reminds me of the original verses i took them from.

Dylan, " in the television floor, i changed the channel to number four", something like that.

I'll try to write it again

[i pray to pills]

i thinking about ending like this , with the clear reference to Dylan's song :


There are television shows,
Now lock that door.
I sat me down
On a television floor.

I'm living in 68,
I'm dressing red, God Bless the Poor [this needs to be read very quickly
Your boyfriend had a White Hat,
Dogs, what a dirty door.

---

I'm trying to put the colours as political symbols linked to its mythological meanings;

---

black ; both fascism and anarchism

black and red ; extreme-left fronts

white, from the Bourbon's white flag against french revolution, as a symbol to every Reaction.

---

I sat me down

or

We sat us down

[i pray to pills]

I forgot to post how I changed it after read the comments.

///

68

I wanna live in 68,
I wanna dress in black,
I wanna break your windows,
And the City smells like crack.

I love my cigarettes and flags
And I love my band,
We are the Adolf Hitlers,
Dogs, what a dirty sand.

I got my little indigo girl,
She's writing for the news.
She knows everything about
How everybody feels.

Every man in the city
Watches her TV show.
Television won't
Ever be the same.

There are television shows,
Now lock that door.
I sat me down
On a television floor.

I'm living in 68,
I'm dressing red, God Bless the Poor.
Your boyfriend had a White Hat,
Dogs, what a dirty door.


///


And these are the final stanzas I 'm thinking about :

I wanna live in 64
I wanna dress in green
I wanna break your heads
and that's how I fit in.

I love my cigarettes and fags,
I love my church,
We are the John F. Kennedys
Dogs, what a dirty search.