An Effort Unnoticed

[PHTj]

This is a dark poem from when I was in a dark time.
This is my second go at this one. Hope this is a better start than my last one. Thanks again for the help.

Edit One:
AN EFFORT UNNOTICED

I though we were meant for each other.
I loved you so much.
All I wanted was for it to be returned.
I put forth ever effort possible.
But you ignored it all.

I worked harder and harder.
And you still brushed it aside.
You asked for all that I had and I gave and gave.
But you threw it all away.
All that I had is good intentions.
You said it doesn't matter.

No matter how hard I worked.
You really did not care.
Then you picked a fight.
Only for both of us to get hurt.
We both did wrong.

Our feelings were all mixed up.
So depression sets in.
I tried to stay happy.
I force the smiles and laughter,
but that's all gone now.

Deeper into sadness I went.
I held on for as long as I could.
I began to lose interest in everything.
My hopes and dreams began to fad from my thoughts.
I did not feel the burning desire of love and passion any more.
All that I once was is gone now.

I am dead inside.

[danny_]

hart should be spelled heart, unless i'm missing something.
i liked the last line, "i am; no more" expressing that you feel you merely exist without any life or spirit left in you. it's not quite the same sort of language the rest of the poem is, though.

there are quite a few cliches (i've been guilty of that myself). but you're on the right track.

check over for grammar and spelling. "speed crossed" could maybe be "speed across". don't say "2" say "two"

i would reveal more specifically about what the effort was, and who it was unnoticed by. "show" more instead of "tell". you did use some imagery and that's definitely good. still, the poem would be more impacting if it were not just a telling of how you feel. if you change it, keep the original to look back on later and see how your work has improved.

This is a dark poem from when I was in a dark time.

AN EFFORT UNNOTICED

I put my hart on the line
For love and comfort I do pine
All I can muster
But just to a fluster

Every effort I put to the sky
Wiped away in the bank of an eye
My Hart, and mind, and body and more
All, just thrown to the floor

All I have is good intention
But all is failed to mention
To the bone my hands I do work
Only in return a smirk

2 torpedoes speed crossed
Both ships are tossed
2 wrongs does not make it right
All mixed up in a fight

My ship is going down
My hart it does pound
At first hard and fast
Now all in the past

Deeper I go
My hart begins to slow
More and more
Darker and darker

Till all is still
All is silent
No more will
No more fight

The fire gone from my eyes
The flames no more to burn
No more dreams
No more hope

I am; No more

[tectak]

This is a dark poem from when I was in a dark time.

AN EFFORT UNNOTICED

I put my hart on the line
For love and comfort I do pine
All I can muster
But just to a fluster

Every effort I put to the sky
Wiped away in the bank of an eye
My Hart, and mind, and body and more
All, just thrown to the floor

All I have is good intention
But all is failed to mention
To the bone my hands I do work
Only in return a smirk

2 torpedoes speed crossed
Both ships are tossed
2 wrongs does not make it right
All mixed up in a fight

My ship is going down
My hart it does pound
At first hard and fast
Now all in the past

Deeper I go
My hart begins to slow
More and more
Darker and darker

Till all is still
All is silent
No more will
No more fight

The fire gone from my eyes
The flames no more to burn
No more dreams
No more hope

I am; No more

Hello,
I say this kindly, but this is possibly the worst thing I have ever read. Now, you may want to take me to task, but I begin with the naive beliefs that a) You are not a troll,b) You are mentally stable, c) You wish to become a member of a group dedicated to aspiring poetic endeavour.
To the poem. It is banal, illiterate, childish, cliche-ridden and quite hopelessly lacking in anything which is considered "good" about poetry...but you have taken a big step in posting it. The question has to be asked...will you take critique as a helping hand or as a nuclear deterrent which will prevent you ever entering the air-space of the pig pen again? We shall see.
Best,
tectak
Whatever you decide...read more poetry.

[billy]

hi and welcome pht
honesty is always the best policy and hopefully will be embraced you.

it's not the best poem out there, far from it.
it is cliched throughout and forced,

a suggestion would be to write it out first as prose using everyday language.
then break it down. don't worry about rhyme just yet. work at getting something original down, look out for spelling mistakes and at this stage of your writing i'd advise the use of punctuation.

your first line is a huge cliche which sort of kills the read from the get go and hart is misspelled, which doubly kills the poem
another way to say the first line;

I hung my heart on barbed wire,
you refused to nourish it.
.....

the above is just an example . try and break down how it was done and have a nother go, maybe just a few stanza at a time.

This is a dark poem from when I was in a dark time.

AN EFFORT UNNOTICED

I put my hart on the line
For love and comfort I do pine
All I can muster
But just to a fluster

Every effort I put to the sky
Wiped away in the bank of an eye
My Hart, and mind, and body and more
All, just thrown to the floor

All I have is good intention
But all is failed to mention
To the bone my hands I do work
Only in return a smirk

2 torpedoes speed crossed
Both ships are tossed
2 wrongs does not make it right
All mixed up in a fight

My ship is going down
My hart it does pound
At first hard and fast
Now all in the past

Deeper I go
My hart begins to slow
More and more
Darker and darker

Till all is still
All is silent
No more will
No more fight

The fire gone from my eyes
The flames no more to burn
No more dreams
No more hope

I am; No more

[PHTj]

Thank you all for the input, even tectak. Lol. I'll work on it and post an edit.

[tectak]

Thank you all for the input, even tectak. Lol. I'll work on it and post an edit.

Good egg,
Best,
tectak

[dwestmor]

First off heart is misspelled in the first line. Secondly the end of the first stanza where it says "just to a fluster" I am very confused by this line and am not sure at all what you ment by it perhaps because to a makes it seem like cluster is a place.

[vrryan]

This is a dark poem from when I was in a dark time.
This is my second go at this one. Hope this is a better start than my last one. Thanks again for the help.
Edit One:
AN EFFORT UNNOTICED
I though we were meant for each other. thought*
I loved you so much.
All I wanted was for it to be returned.
I put forth ever effort possible.comma
But you ignored it all.

I worked harder and harder.use another word instead of harder but not its synonym to avoid redundancy
And you still brushed it aside. But* positive to negative
You asked for all that I had and I gave and gave. cancel the other gave and replace it like 'everything'
But you threw it all away.
All that I had is good intentions. are*
You said it doesn't matter. replace this line, doesn't suit right

No matter how hard I worked. comma not period
You really did not care. cancel really and change the sentence structure
Then you picked a fight. I suggest you change the picked with started
Only for both of us to get hurt. add the between for and both
We both did wrong.

Our feelings were all mixed up. comma
So depression sets in.
I tried to stay happy.
I force the smiles and laughter,laughters*
but that's all gone now.was*

Deeper into sadness I went. change the sentence structure
I held on for as long as I could.
I began to lose interest in everything. instead of 'in everything', use this 'on the things I used to enjoy
My hopes and dreams began to fad from my thoughts. fade*
I did not feel the burning desire of love and passion any more. instead of using anymore, make another line like 'which I felt when I was into you' or something like that
All that I once was is gone now. All that I once had was all gone now*

I am dead inside.expand this

I am so sorry if I had a mistake criticizing your poem. Don't worry, I really like the concept of your poem, and I can relate to this.

[billy]

a mod talking off topic/
this is the feedback we want to see from new members, i have mention in a couple of posts that one liners aren't enough, it seems vrryan understood what was said and for this i am grateful, keep up the good work/mod