09-30-2014, 07:14 PM
This offering was an enjoyable read despite its inconsistent attention to capitalization and punctuation. The mixture of true and slant rhymes worked for me. The title is intriguing in origin and meaning. Nonetheless, there is a good deal of editing called for here.
You need commas after both ‘times’ in line one of stanza one. The last sentence does not warrant the semicolon or two ‘dashes’ (whether hyphen-minus, en dash, em dash, quotation dash, etc.) Why not cap and punctuate the couplets that follow after? I tried to read through the lines a few times. You cap Ten, why not the rest of the numbers. The same goes with ‘I’ but not ‘i’in the last line. In fact, you are missing a comma and/or a period in almost every couplet.
It would require a an overall rewrite, but some brevity may be in order. Some lines are a bit light on the subject matter, as if written to come up with ten examples verses focusing on depth of meaning or importance. I would re-examine each line for necessity.
For example, your opening may set up the poem, establish a meter and rhyme, but is not a strong 'attention-getter' in statement by itself. The first line of the first stanza is usually your most important one.
Also, you have some clichés throughout, ‘bridges you burned’ is one of them.
An example of a line that may have been thrown together too quickly is: ‘when I threw your name across the room it never tasted good anyway, my tongue is my tomb’
In couplet One, the ‘in a blue’ may read better as ‘into blue.’ Continuing, ‘One, sank into the blue of your eyes’ would simplify that line. However, the original or this edit does not tie the line to the ‘rumble of tides’ on the next line. How are ‘blue’ and ‘rumble’ the same?
The unrelated juxtaposition of lines can be found throughout. ‘Cusp of mouth’ and ‘saltwater tears’ is another one.
These are some suggestions for your next edit. I am curious what you do with it. Welcome to the site and all the best in your poetry endeavors.
Cheers/Chris
You need commas after both ‘times’ in line one of stanza one. The last sentence does not warrant the semicolon or two ‘dashes’ (whether hyphen-minus, en dash, em dash, quotation dash, etc.) Why not cap and punctuate the couplets that follow after? I tried to read through the lines a few times. You cap Ten, why not the rest of the numbers. The same goes with ‘I’ but not ‘i’in the last line. In fact, you are missing a comma and/or a period in almost every couplet.
It would require a an overall rewrite, but some brevity may be in order. Some lines are a bit light on the subject matter, as if written to come up with ten examples verses focusing on depth of meaning or importance. I would re-examine each line for necessity.
For example, your opening may set up the poem, establish a meter and rhyme, but is not a strong 'attention-getter' in statement by itself. The first line of the first stanza is usually your most important one.
Also, you have some clichés throughout, ‘bridges you burned’ is one of them.
An example of a line that may have been thrown together too quickly is: ‘when I threw your name across the room it never tasted good anyway, my tongue is my tomb’
In couplet One, the ‘in a blue’ may read better as ‘into blue.’ Continuing, ‘One, sank into the blue of your eyes’ would simplify that line. However, the original or this edit does not tie the line to the ‘rumble of tides’ on the next line. How are ‘blue’ and ‘rumble’ the same?
The unrelated juxtaposition of lines can be found throughout. ‘Cusp of mouth’ and ‘saltwater tears’ is another one.
These are some suggestions for your next edit. I am curious what you do with it. Welcome to the site and all the best in your poetry endeavors.
Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris