Looking for Feedback

[Andrew_Ross]

Flick of a Light

From first kiss to love like the flick of a light.
Nothing to everything, and it all feels so right.
The girl that I dreamt of for years at a time.
Suddenly is mine, and it all feels sublime.
I can't find the words to explain all my plight.
But the powerful image of your dress all in white.
I knew from the start I would make you my wife, And promise to love you the rest of my life.
We stand at the steps of our first test of love, One that will strengthen and rise us above.
Above all the distance between our two hearts, Above any issues that may ever start.
Above all the ones who have tried it before, For there's nothing about you I do not adore.
I lived my whole life before you came around, Like listening to music without hearing a sound.
You've opened my eyes to a love that's so strong, The beginning of our life, such a beautiful song.

[ellajam]

Hi, Andrew, welcome.

This is a community based on GIVE and take. If you're looking for feedback I suggest you do some reading on the site and offer a bunch of feedback yourself. If you need some help with that just read the threads pinned to the top of each forum.

Looking forward to your posts.
ella/mod

[Erthona]

"Looking for Feedback"

Turn amp all the way up, point pickups toward amp, strum. Viola, feedback.
Best try a music shop. This is a poetry site, and we give critiques as a reward for someone who has given critiques to others, usually a 3 to 1 ratio.

However,

Your rhymes are forced, your lines are trite,
the first four lines gave me a fright,
(I don't think I shall sleep tonight).
It talks of love like millions of others
by pseudo-poets and their mothers.

Ack...sorry, hair ball.

Best,


Dale

[QDeathstar]

Your wife will like it. 10/10

[Wjames]

Flick of a Light

From first kiss to love like the flick of a light.
Nothing to everything, and it all feels so right.
The girl that I dreamt of for years at a time.
Suddenly is mine, and it all feels sublime.
I can't find the words to explain all my plight.
But the powerful image of your dress all in white.
I knew from the start I would make you my wife, And promise to love you the rest of my life.
We stand at the steps of our first test of love, One that will strengthen and rise us above.
Above all the distance between our two hearts, Above any issues that may ever start.
Above all the ones who have tried it before, For there's nothing about you I do not adore.
I lived my whole life before you came around, Like listening to music without hearing a sound.
You've opened my eyes to a love that's so strong, The beginning of our life, such a beautiful song.

Welcome to the site, aside from the forced rhymes, many periods are improperly placed, with your sentences not forming "complete thoughts". Instead of helping the reader to perceive the rhythm of your poem, they stop me at the end of each line.

By the way, I went to high school with an Andrew Ross, I'm wondering if that might be you? (I'm Mitchell Eadie)