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(05-28-2014, 12:23 PM)BipolaRed Wrote:
To fight the blackness consuming your thoughts;
The erosion seeping through the cracks of your mangled soul.
Worthless exhaustion.
Or simply give in,
Embrace the ecstasy of spiraling into the vibrant alter-reality;
No limits to the capabilities of your newly enlightened mind.
Nothing can hurt you.
Mania.
This whole poem is way too abstract. Maybe you could try to explain a specific situation that demonstrates the speaker's bipolar disorder and find a way to utilize line breaks by highlighting certain words you place at the end of the lines.
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The abstraction of this poem is confirmation of the yo-yo like journey that the mind has no control. To contribute this wretched honesty here is beyond brave. For those who read this and can relate to the unmistakable horror of a mood disorder, this poem needs no further explination.
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Hi, i commend your honesty; your sharing the experience: I could suggest you seek help with punctuation, which I am doing myself; and the poem can be worked on, but I am not qualified for that; I think that darkness is a valid concern for poets. Loretta
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Maybe some Valproic acid and some left justify would be of benefit. Also perhaps if written in first person it would read more clearly. (Just an example, not a suggestion)
I fight the blackness consuming my mind,
as erosion seeps through the cracks of my mangled soul:
worthless exhaustion.
Do I give in and embrace the ecstasy;
spiraling into the vibrant altered-reality that has
no limits to the capabilities of my newly enlightened mind.
I feel invulnerable;
Mania.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(05-30-2014, 08:30 PM)Celestina Waters Wrote: The abstraction of this poem is confirmation of the yo-yo like journey that the mind has no control. To contribute this wretched honesty here is beyond brave. For those who read this and can relate to the unmistakable horror of a mood disorder, this poem needs no further explination.
Hi celestina,
For the benefit of those who come after us, and as a direct comment on the poem, it is not wise to assume that the writer IS the character in the poem.
My actual name is Ursula and I am a bipolar transvestite in remission from a bout of alcohol induced schizophrenic paranoia....and who can argue with that.
The point is , to get back on message, that veracity verse is never up for crit...so I make the assumption that this is NOT veracity verse and then can say with out regret that it is very old hat and nothing new. Perhaps if it rhymed it would have some poetic purpose.
Best to both and apologies if I have offended either...but that is how we both feel.
tectak
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Thanks Tom you jogged my memory of something I wanted to comment on.
Quote:Celestina Waters wrote: "For those who read this and can relate to the unmistakable horror of a mood disorder, this poem needs no further explination (sic)."
The telling line here is, "For those who... can relate to" it.
The idea in poetry is not to preach to the choir. What this poem is lacking is any universality. It should strive to make the experience more available to those who do not have it, what use do those who have it need of an explanation?
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(05-31-2014, 06:13 AM)Erthona Wrote: Thanks Tom you jogged my memory of something I wanted to comment on.
Quote:Celestina Waters wrote: "For those who read this and can relate to the unmistakable horror of a mood disorder, this poem needs no further explination (sic)."
The telling line here is, "For those who... can relate to" it.
The idea in poetry is not to preach to the choir. What this poem is lacking is any universality. It should strive to make the experience more available to those who do not have it, what use do those who have it need of an explanation?
Dale
