A Coming Storm

[metalfan91]

I
"I await the coming storm
And the change it brings
Who will join the cries of fate?
The violent flood of everything"

II
Scale the white mountains on which evil presides
Staggered by decaying stench
Of rust and leaden lakes

Twisted wires mangled 'twixt the monolithic trees
Mages test the strength of man
Weakened by disease

Threshing maw and gnashing steel
Pollute with acrid breath
Machinations granted life
By those who brandish death

Staff-flung boulders clear a path
Through black machines of hate
In the throes of this old wrath
A sullen people wait

III
"A spell was cast
And Earth pummeled by the gale
They summoned frost
And Metropolis bled by sharpened hail

Glacial downpour
Mage-winds had toppled the Towers of Gold
Great powers that were
Cannibalized by ego and pride"

------------------------------
To clarify: Part 1 is what an individual thinks before taking part in this battle.
Part 2 is when it happens. Part 3 can be read as if the battle happened long ago and its story is being retold to someone.

[Deaf Cat in the Blue Hat]

It needs either more or less punctuation; is there a specific reason you have used commas and semi-colons to yield structure to it but no periods?

I am unsure of some of the action in the poem because of discordant segments like 'threshing maw and gnashing steel'. A maw can thresh, yes, but a steel does not gnash. Strong, dark imagery has no affect if the effects it's written to have simply don't make sense.

I enjoyed the strength of the imagery, but some of the imagery doesn't do anything. The bled metropolis, for example, stands out to me as an image left hanging. Bled of what, and where did it's blood flow to?

Where is the ego and pride that the powers that were were cannibalized by? Being cannibalized by ego and pride is a brilliant metaphor, but it serves no purpose if the reader can't envision the ego and pride that performed the action.

I can't comment on meter because there is none consistent enough to be found. The fourth stanza is the only one that is poetic in this regard.

You did succeed in creating dark imagery, but there is not much of a story that it's placed within, and so the point of it being there is lacking.

[metalfan91]

It needs either more or less punctuation; is there a specific reason you have used commas and semi-colons to yield structure to it but no periods?

I am unsure of some of the action in the poem because of discordant segments like 'threshing maw and gnashing steel'. A maw can thresh, yes, but a steel does not gnash. Strong, dark imagery has no affect if the effects it's written to have simply don't make sense.

I enjoyed the strength of the imagery, but some of the imagery doesn't do anything. The bled metropolis, for example, stands out to me as an image left hanging. Bled of what, and where did it's blood flow to?

Where is the ego and pride that the powers that were were cannibalized by? Being cannibalized by ego and pride is a brilliant metaphor, but it serves no purpose if the reader can't envision the ego and pride that performed the action.

I can't comment on meter because there is none consistent enough to be found. The fourth stanza is the only one that is poetic in this regard.

You did succeed in creating dark imagery, but there is not much of a story that it's placed within, and so the point of it being there is lacking.

Thanks for reading. I admit to having next to no proper knowledge of poetic punctuation, so any help would be appreciated. Should I eliminate punctuation altogether? I wasn't sure the entire time of writing.

This piece leans more toward fantasy, so it was as if the steel is brought to life and gnashing as a huge terrifying mouth. "Metropolis bled by sharpened hail" refers to a huge sprawling city being hit by summoned hail with devastating effects. I thought "cannibalized by ego and pride" was enough for the reader to go on in that I believe it is common knowledge how hubris can topple an empire. I could be wrong though.

Also, thanks for thinking the imagery was good.

[halfagirl]

I like where you are going with this, there is some strong visual imagery. I am also wondering why you made some of your punctuation choices? Especially the last two sections being in quotation marks - why did you make that choice?

A possible line change
"Threshing maw and gnashing steel
spew oil with each breath"

to

"Threshing maw and gnashing steel
spew oil as they exhale"

Good start!

[chrisgas]

The towers of gold (twin towers?)
I know nothing about poetry and little about structure, I like how you tell the story, it is just about on the edge of what I can understand without having to read it 10 times. (only 3)

[chrisgas]

Could I suggest "on leaden skies" rather than "of leaden lakes". "I think that you have set the scene for your metaphor of cannibalised by ego and pride", as with any machine building industrial nation ego and pride exists.

[zeke97]

The feeling in this poem is forlorn. It is a great piece, and it feels dark. There is a lot of visual imagery.

[metalfan91]

Thanks everyone for your attention to this and suggestions. I will attempt to edit this a bit as I see fit and perhaps implementing some suggestions. Your comments are much appreciated.

---

I like where you are going with this, there is some strong visual imagery. I am also wondering why you made some of your punctuation choices? Especially the last two sections being in quotation marks - why did you make that choice?

A possible line change
"Threshing maw and gnashing steel
spew oil with each breath"

to

"Threshing maw and gnashing steel
spew oil as they exhale"

Good start!

thanks halfagirl! The portion before the quotes is spoken in the present as if it were currently happening and the quoted part is as if the aftermath is spoken of from one person to another after the fact. Does that help make sense?

[metalfan91]

I
"Await the coming storm and the change it brings,
The violent flood of everything."

II
Scale pristine mountains on which evil presides,
Staggered by decaying stench,
Of rust and leaden lakes.

Twisted wires mangled 'twixt the monolithic trees,
Mages test the strength of man,
Weakened by disease.

Threshing maw and gnashing steel,
Pollute with acrid breath;
Machinations granted life,
By those who brandish death.

Staff-flung boulders clear a path,
Through black machines of hate;
In the throes of this old wrath,
A sullen people wait.

III
"A spell was cast,
And Earth pummeled by the gale;
They summoned frost,
And Metropolis bled by sharpened hail.

Glacial downpour,
Mage-winds had toppled the Towers of Gold;
Great powers that were,
Cannibalized by ego and pride."

Ok, first round of editing. I think this is better.

[alatos]

The first two stanzas are sort of imploring the reader to do something. Then you seem to just drop that. Why?

[aerickson]

I
"Await the coming storm and the change it brings,
The violent flood of everything."

II
Scale pristine mountains on which evil presides,-[/color] How can an evil mountain be pristine and also have decaying on it?
Staggered by decaying stench,
Of rust and leaden lakes.

Twisted wires mangled 'twixt the monolithic trees,
Mages test the strength of man,
Weakened by disease.

Threshing maw and gnashing steel,
Pollute with acrid breath;
Machinations granted life,
By those who brandish death.This just totally says to me the machines are being run by the Bourgoisie!

Staff-flung boulders clear a path,
Through black machines of hate;
In the throes of this old wrath,
A sullen people wait.

III
"A spell was cast,
And Earth pummeled by the gale;
They summoned frost,
And Metropolis bled by sharpened hail.don't get this line

Glacial downpour,
Mage-winds had toppled the Towers of Gold;
Great powers that were,
Cannibalized by ego and pride."

[color=#0000CD]This is an interesting poem with a lot of imagery. I am a history teacher and this poem brings to mind the changes that the "storm" of industrial revolution brought to the world both socially and environmentally. Is that what you were trying to capture? On a more poetic note, your punctuation is confusing and makes it difficult to flow through the poem.

[metalfan91]

I
"Await the coming storm and the change it brings,
The violent flood of everything."

II
Scale pristine mountains on which evil presides,-[/color] How can an evil mountain be pristine and also have decaying on it?
Staggered by decaying stench,
Of rust and leaden lakes.

Twisted wires mangled 'twixt the monolithic trees,
Mages test the strength of man,
Weakened by disease.

Threshing maw and gnashing steel,
Pollute with acrid breath;
Machinations granted life,
By those who brandish death.This just totally says to me the machines are being run by the Bourgoisie!

Staff-flung boulders clear a path,
Through black machines of hate;
In the throes of this old wrath,
A sullen people wait.

III
"A spell was cast,
And Earth pummeled by the gale;
They summoned frost,
And Metropolis bled by sharpened hail.don't get this line

Glacial downpour,
Mage-winds had toppled the Towers of Gold;
Great powers that were,
Cannibalized by ego and pride."

[color=#0000CD]This is an interesting poem with a lot of imagery. I am a history teacher and this poem brings to mind the changes that the "storm" of industrial revolution brought to the world both socially and environmentally. Is that what you were trying to capture? On a more poetic note, your punctuation is confusing and makes it difficult to flow through the poem.

Hi aerickson,

Apologies for the huge gap of time in replying. To be honest, I don't frequent this forum as much as I'd like.

You say that this poem brings to mind "changes that the "storm" of industrial revolution brought to the world both socially and environmentally." I'm glad you thought that. If I could reword what you said, I think it would be more accurate. It reflects the changes that the "storm" of revolution, caused by industrial revolutions, brought to the world both socially and environmentally.

"Scale pristine mountains on which evil presides." You asked how a pristine mountain can also have decaying on it. The pristine quality is a facade. It exudes a purified, pristine quality while it hides the true nature of death and decay. Evil tends to be smart enough to know others will see it as thus. So, it wears a mask. I got this idea form M. Scott Peck's, People of the Lie. Basically that part of the poem, in my head, is about the mages scaling the mountain to confront what is really inside. They are staggered by what they see.

"Threshing maw and gnashing steel,
Pollute with acrid breath;
Machinations granted life,
By those who brandish death"

You made a connection with this and machines being run by the bourgoisie. I think that totally fits. To be specific (maybe unnecessarily specific), when I say "granted life by" I mean created by, not operated by. Maybe the allusion would not be to the bourgoisie who run them, but elite technocrats and politicians who manipulate systems of power that provide for creation of the machines (sorry if I'm reading too much into my own poem). In this fantasy, the machines are literally granted life and are used by "man" not unlike the Garthim in Frank Oz and Jim Henson's. The Dark Crystal.

"A spell was cast,
And Earth pummeled by the gale;
They summoned frost,
And Metropolis bled by sharpened hail."

Finally, you said you don't get the line, "And Metropolis..." I think you meant the bleeding part, but i may be wrong. I mean that the mages summoned a huge storm with massive sharpened hailstones that are quite literally bombarding the metropolis. Bleeding refers to the fact that it is losing life like someone who is bleeding out.

On a more poetic note, you said my punctuation is confusing. I agree. I'm not very good with the technical aspects of writing poetry. I first posted this without punctuation, so that's a hint as to how much I don't know what I'm doing. Honestly, these are reworded and re-structured lyrics to an epic heavy metal song that I'm having fun with.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read and comment on my poem.