Plasticine

[Tiger the Lion]

I remember a limousine
and a girl singing
just flat enough to notice
a shyness not quite abandoned
behind darkened windows and drinks included.

I remember Plasticine,
a chorus of perfumes smudging
and vaguely listening
to one crying out
through darkened windows and drinks included.

I remember a broken dream
and a sunrise outside a limousine
that slid in without remark;
a thief emboldened
by darkened windows and drinks included

[QDeathstar]

I love the refrain, but you are going to get blasted for failing to punctuate your piece.

[Tiger the Lion]

I love the refrain, but you are going to get blasted for failing to punctuate your piece.

Thanks. Other than I completely missed the last period...... I have been reading this as 3 very long sentences. Exactly why I wanted to put it here.

[Todd]

Hi T&L,

Just some thoughts:

You do some nice things with the refrain in that you mix it up with the lead in well. I'm still not sure though that you might not be better served condensing the whole thing to one strophe with one instance of the refrain.

I remember a limousine
and a girl singing
just flat enough to notice--This line is interesting because of the break on singing and the dual meaning of flat in context. It's my favorite moment in the poem.
a shyness not quite abandoned
behind darkened windows and drinks included.--with may be a better choice than and

I remember Plasticine,
a chorus of perfumes smudging
and vaguely listening--This is a bit awkward as you have it the perfumes are listening and I don't think that's your intent
to one crying out
through darkened windows and drinks included.

I remember a broken dream--broken dream is cliche and not shorthand for something you could probably make more interesting if you tried again
and a sunrise outside a limousine
that slid in without remark;--I like the content of this line
a thief emboldened
by darkened windows and drinks included

I still think this may be more powerful condensed to one strophe, but that could be more of a style choice on my part.

Hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

[Tiger the Lion]

Hi T&L,

Just some thoughts:

You do some nice things with the refrain in that you mix it up with the lead in well. I'm still not sure though that you might not be better served condensing the whole thing to one strophe with one instance of the refrain.

I remember a limousine
and a girl singing
just flat enough to notice--This line is interesting because of the break on singing and the dual meaning of flat in context. It's my favorite moment in the poem.
a shyness not quite abandoned
behind darkened windows and drinks included.--with may be a better choice than and

I remember Plasticine,
a chorus of perfumes smudging
and vaguely listening--This is a bit awkward as you have it the perfumes are listening and I don't think that's your intent
to one crying out
through darkened windows and drinks included.

I remember a broken dream--broken dream is cliche and not shorthand for something you could probably make more interesting if you tried again
and a sunrise outside a limousine
that slid in without remark;--I like the content of this line
a thief emboldened
by darkened windows and drinks included

I still think this may be more powerful condensed to one strophe, but that could be more of a style choice on my part.

Hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

Thank you Todd. Much of your issues with the piece are the same as my own. I hate "broken dream" but my fixes are worse. Haha. Condensing had not really occurred to me, but I will try it. Appreciate your time and thoughts.

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks again, Todd and QDS. Based on your comments this is my first rewrite. Still playing with it.

I remember a limousine,
and a girl singing
just flat enough to notice
a shyness not quite abandoned
behind darkened windows and drinks included.

I remember Plasticine,
a chorus of perfumes smudging,
and me kneading the chaos
into a form I could take with me,
through darkened windows and drinks included.

I remember a stolen dream,
and a sunrise outside a limousine
that slid in without remark;
a thief emboldened
by darkened windows and drinks included.

[RSaba]

I like the images in this. It's easy to read since it's just 3 sentences. However, the first one might not be correct. I laid it all out like this:

I remember a limousine, and a girl singing just flat enough to notice a shyness not quite abandoned behind darkened windows and drinks included.

Is the girl noticing the "shyness"? Or is she singing just flat enough that the flatness is noticeable? If the latter is the case, you might want to think about adding a dash after notice- or maybe even just making this into 2 sentences. However, the second chunk wouldn't quite be a sentence... I'm not sure what to suggest.

Hope that all makes sense. Good write!

[ellajam]

Thanks again, Todd and QDS. Based on your comments this is my first rewrite. Still playing with it.

I remember a limousine,
and a girl singing
just flat enough to notice
a shyness not quite abandoned
behind darkened windows and drinks included.

I remember Plasticine,
a chorus of perfumes smudging,
and me kneading the chaos
into a form I could take with me,
through darkened windows and drinks included.

I remember a stolen dream,
and a sunrise outside a limousine
that slid in without remark;
a thief emboldened
by darkened windows and drinks included.

Hi, tiger, if you edit your original post and place your rewrite above it, labeling both, it makes it easier for people to make sure they critique the current edit.

[zmeansy]

The first verse has some powerful imagery and I enjoy that indeed. Was that 'just flat enough to notice' a juxtaposition used to explain the attributes of plainness?

[Tiger the Lion]

zmeansy: 'just flat enough to notice' is an important line to me. But it has presented some grammatical problems in the first stanza. As some of the other comments pointed out, the punctuation is unclear. I'm having trouble trying to punctuate it more clearly without puncturing the meaning. But it's a fine problem to have.