Asahi

[Tiger the Lion]

On that bus from Toronto,
while you dreamed on my shoulder
of Asahi cold and popcorn gold,
and a park built just for dogs to play,
I think I might have whispered I love you.
I think you might have whispered okay.

[QDeathstar]

I enjoyed the last two lines, but even then i feel they are cliche-ish. I enjoyed golden popcorn, less.

Is Asahi a girl or? I did a quick google search, no luck. Sorry if this shows my ignorance.

[Tiger the Lion]

Thank you Q. The last two lines are meant to be non-verbal communication which is why "I love you" and "Okay" are not in quotations. I was hoping the word "whispered" might suggest this, plus remove the possible cliche element.
Asahi loosely refers to "Morning Sun" in Japanese and is also a brand of beer.
I was aware this piece might be a little too close to me and therefore overly cryptic. Thanks for reading, commenting and googling.

[QDeathstar]

I saw the beer, but i couldn't make since of it in context of the poem.


She is dreaming; its hard for her to whisper anything, unless you mistook drool for "getting her wet". [slaps knee; couldn't resist.]

---

But i understand what you are trying to say. When a lady you are interested in makes you her poor man's pillow you do feel a certain warmth or affection.

[Brownlie]

On that bus from Toronto,
while you dreamed on my shoulder
of Asahi cold and popcorn gold,
and a park built just for dogs to play, -- This seems like a verbose way to express the phrase "dog park" though it seems to conform to a type of meter it almost seems like a series of three cretic feet but I suppose that doesn't matter much. You might want to try using objects in a dog park to represent the idea if that is what you are trying to convey.
I think I might have whispered I love you.
I think you might have whispered okay. -- You may want to put okay in quotes. I suppose that is your call.

I think the ok at the end vindicates the poem, thanks for posting.

[Erthona]

I have little to say that QDS hasn't already, I just wanted to elaborate on the rationale or lack there of, regarding certain things.

I have a hard time with the lack of equivocation about what is occurring in the other person's mind, that is if I am reading this correctly. Let me rephrase:

he dreamed on your shoulder of Asahi cold and popcorn gold, and a park built just for dogs to play.

How does the speaker know this. This sort of subtle slip can ruin a poem for the reader, because if they are aware of such at the conscious they will become distracted from the reading trying to understand how she would know this. If it happens unconsciously it will still spoil the poem for the reader, they just won't have a conscious rationale for why.

Why the inversions of "Asahi cold" and "popcorn gold", when the more natural thing would be "cold beer" and "golden popcorn". Sure you lose the internal rhyme, but that was awkward at best. As "Asahi" is fairly unknown, and there is really no rationalization to note it specifically, and every reason to use the generic "beer", because your audience will understand what you are talking about, why do so? One of the difficult lessons to learn as a poet is that the poem is not about us or our gratification. SO while something may be personal to you, that is not sufficient cause to include it if it makes the poem weaker.

The last two lines, although weak, are sweet and genuine enough to stand, as the uncertainty, like in a semi-sleep state allows this, although I wouldn't make a habit out of it. As QDS noted they verge on cliche, the only saving grace is the uncertainty.


Best,


Dale

[RSaba]

A sweet moment, but too personal for the reader to fully picture. I'd like to see it, though, just less cryptic.

On that bus from Toronto, TORONTO CANADA YAY
while you dreamed on my shoulder
of Asahi cold and popcorn gold, so you know what she is dreaming of... that's an interesting sentiment but unfortunately what she is dreaming of makes no sense to the reader... is it "golden popcorn" or some other object that is the golden colour of popcorn? I like the rhyming of "cold" and "gold" though, a little internal play within the piece... maybe try and keep that rhythm?
and a park built just for dogs to play,
I think I might have whispered I love you.
I think you might have whispered okay.Sweet ending. I think once the middle makes more sense this piece will come together.

[olive_morphia]

This poem is like one breath, which is cool. I like that, like a fleeting thought. What is "Asahi cold"? I don't think it's necessarily important that you spell out EXACTLY what/who this is, but maybe a little detail would be good. Is Asahi a type of beer maybe? Or a cold person? Or a mountaintop? No clue. What is this lover dreaming about?

Also, I'm not sure if uneasiness is what you were going for... but the fact that the possible love-thought was not reciprocated makes me sad. Was this the intention?

[Tiger the Lion]

Thank you all so much for the thoughtful comments and suggestions. I am still trying to digest them fully. I understand that if I need to explain any of it, then it hasn't done it's job well. I will try to explain some of the rationale if not the content.

QDS: As I said, much of this is about non-verbal communication. The word whispered was the most subtle way I could find to say "intimated". Perhaps "sighed" may be better. The lack of quotations on the last 2 lines are quite intentional if not clever.

Brownlie and Erthona: I realize I have conveyed it poorly, at least so far, but the subject speaks little English and in an attempt to learn it she often inverts her words and is verbose. In her it may be endearing, but I agree that in a poem it is less endearing.

RSaba: Of course, you are right. Who could say what someone might be dreaming about. It is a guess. Like "while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads". He assumes her dreams are an unraveling of the day's events. And yes, I have a sudden distaste for popcorn now that I have choked on it so dramatically.

Olive: You may have nailed down much of my intent, despite the weakness of the piece. It is meant to be one breath, or one sigh, in the spirit of Haiku and the intended Japanese theme. I am encouraged by that observation.

Obviously I have some work to do so the entirety of it is not "Lost in Translation". Thanks everyone.

[LorettaYoung]

On that bus from Toronto,
while you dreamed on my shoulder
of Asahi cold and popcorn gold,
and a park built just for dogs to play, -- This seems like a verbose way to express the phrase "dog park" though it seems to conform to a type of meter it almost seems like a series of three cretic feet but I suppose that doesn't matter much. You might want to try using objects in a dog park to represent the idea if that is what you are trying to convey.
I think I might have whispered I love you.
I think you might have whispered okay. -- You may want to put okay in quotes. I suppose that is your call.

I think the ok at the end vindicates the poem, thanks for posting.

---

Hi: I to like the moment feeling; but the last 2 lines are confusing. I understand that you were trying to express non-verbal communication; "I think I might have" is too much to say for Perhaps. And the last line; the writer would know, even non-verbally what the head on her shoulder felt. I think these lines briefer and clearer would make this sweet. Loretta

[SKDink55]

On that bus from Toronto,
while you dreamed on my shoulder
of Asahi cold and popcorn gold,
and a park built just for dogs to play,
I think I might have whispered I love you.
I think you might have whispered okay.

This is a poem that elicited feelings of vague sadness, which we can all relate to. It really just feels like a big SIGH. Your memory is not great, her response is ambiguous at best, and there is literal dreaming involved, which gives this all a swirly, airy feel.

I actually enjoyed your guessing her dreams. And I really enjoyed you spelling out the concept of a dog park. That feels very genuinely dreamy.

But my favorite part is the unexpected rhyme at the end. I am not a fan of rhyming poetry except when the writer is using it for effect, not for convention, and I think you've done that here.

This is a nice poem, but I'm not sure what else beyond that.

Thank you for sharing!!

[Tiger the Lion]

Thank you SK for managing to follow along with this. It is all sighs and guesses and moment. I'm having a hard time trimming some of the fat but it's encouraging that the rationale is understood.

[Reesedog914]

I liked it. Gave me a feeling of being on a train with snowflakes out the window and a girls head on my shoulder. Doesn't get any better then that I suppose lol.

[LorettaYoung]

On that bus from Toronto,
while you dreamed on my shoulder
of Asahi cold and popcorn gold,
and a park built just for dogs to play,
I think I might have whispered I love you.
I think you might have whispered okay.

This is a poem that elicited feelings of vague sadness, which we can all relate to. It really just feels like a big SIGH. Your memory is not great, her response is ambiguous at best, and there is literal dreaming involved, which gives this all a swirly, airy feel.

I actually enjoyed your guessing her dreams. And I really enjoyed you spelling out the concept of a dog park. That feels very genuinely dreamy.

But my favorite part is the unexpected rhyme at the end. I am not a fan of rhyming poetry except when the writer is using it for effect, not for convention, and I think you've done that here.

This is a nice poem, but I'm not sure what else beyond that.

Thank you for sharing!!

---

On that bus from Toronto,
while you dreamed on my shoulder
of Asahi cold and popcorn gold,
and a park built just for dogs to play,
I think I might have whispered I love you.
I think you might have whispered okay.

This is a poem that elicited feelings of vague sadness, which we can all relate to. It really just feels like a big SIGH. Your memory is not great, her response is ambiguous at best, and there is literal dreaming involved, which gives this all a swirly, airy feel.

I actually enjoyed your guessing her dreams. And I really enjoyed you spelling out the concept of a dog park. That feels very genuinely dreamy.

But my favorite part is the unexpected rhyme at the end. I am not a fan of rhyming poetry except when the writer is using it for effect, not for convention, and I think you've done that here.

This is a nice poem, but I'm not sure what else beyond that.

Thank you for sharing!!