Loving you

[twisterkid34]

I can’t bear the thought of loving you again.

Swallowing what’s left of my pride and dignity.
I’ve got nothing left inside of me.
Worn out and tired of being thrown around.
I’m sick of living in this fucking town.

I can’t stand the thought of loving you again.

Still trapped in my head, agonizing.
Life without you, terrifying.
Memories locked in my mind.
Answers lost, so hard to find.

I hate the thought of loving you.

Why do I do this to myself?
I can’t scream, can’t yell, or call out for help.
Alone with my thoughts, ill try again.
Burned my bridge, but lost a friend.

The thought of loving you.

It eats at me indefinitely.
In my dreams endlessly.
I am empty, you without.
Still pondering about.

Loving you

[tectak]

I can’t bear the thought of loving you again.

Swallowing what’s left of my pride and dignity.
I’ve got nothing left inside of me.
Worn out and tired of being thrown around.
I’m sick of living in this fucking town. You are not writing sentences. Just sticking a period after a group of words does not count

I can’t stand the thought of loving you again. This is the best line in the piece and it SHOULD be the central metaphor. You tell but do not show

Still trapped in my head, agonizing.
Life without you, terrifying.
Memories locked in my mind.
Answers lost, so hard to find.

I hate the thought of loving you.

Why do I do this to myself?
I can’t scream, can’t yell, or call out for help.
Alone with my thoughts, ill try again. ill(sic) pun
Burned my bridge, but lost a friend.

The thought of loving you. Isolated and disconnected but perhaps wistfully intended. More like this would work if you could join up the dots

It eats at me indefinitely.
In my dreams endlessly.
I am empty, you without.
Still pondering about.

Loving you

Hello and welcome.
This suffers from the desire to be poetic,as in "fucking town" (not relevant to the theme so used for dramatic intent). The rest is just full of cliches but don't despair, this is just how it all starts. You need to avoid all the "common" phrases you have heard before and avoid telling the reader how you feel...use language that SHOWS your thoughts; metaphors, similes, imagery. So get rid of:
I can't bear the thought
swallowing (what's left of) my pride
Nothing left inside
trapped in my head
life without you
locked in my mind
alone with my thoughts
burned my bridge

The last couplet appalling is and you probably agree.

I am empty, you without.
Still pondering about.

What about is this? You have Yoda'd yourself into a rhyme trap unnecessarily.

So, overall, it lacks newness both in concept and execution BUT if you condensed the whole thing into a few lines of english you could get the juice out of it. There is a poem here which is essentially about the dreadful dichotomy of letting love reignite in the same hearth...with every chance it will flicker for a while and then quietly extinguish when no one is looking...as it did before.
If this is veracity verse I am sorry not to be more sympathetic but for this reader....write something else.
Best,
tectak

[twisterkid34]

I can’t bear the thought of loving you again.

Swallowing what’s left of my pride and dignity.
I’ve got nothing left inside of me.
Worn out and tired of being thrown around.
I’m sick of living in this fucking town. You are not writing sentences. Just sticking a period after a group of words does not count

I can’t stand the thought of loving you again. This is the best line in the piece and it SHOULD be the central metaphor. You tell but do not show

Still trapped in my head, agonizing.
Life without you, terrifying.
Memories locked in my mind.
Answers lost, so hard to find.

I hate the thought of loving you.

Why do I do this to myself?
I can’t scream, can’t yell, or call out for help.
Alone with my thoughts, ill try again. ill(sic) pun
Burned my bridge, but lost a friend.

The thought of loving you. Isolated and disconnected but perhaps wistfully intended. More like this would work if you could join up the dots

It eats at me indefinitely.
In my dreams endlessly.
I am empty, you without.
Still pondering about.

Loving you

Hello and welcome.
This suffers from the desire to be poetic,as in "fucking town" (not relevant to the theme so used for dramatic intent). The rest is just full of cliches but don't despair, this is just how it all starts. You need to avoid all the "common" phrases you have heard before and avoid telling the reader how you feel...use language that SHOWS your thoughts; metaphors, similes, imagery. So get rid of:
I can't bear the thought
swallowing (what's left of) my pride
Nothing left inside
trapped in my head
life without you
locked in my mind
alone with my thoughts
burned my bridge

The last couplet appalling is and you probably agree.

I am empty, you without.
Still pondering about.

What about is this? You have Yoda'd yourself into a rhyme trap unnecessarily.

So, overall, it lacks newness both in concept and execution BUT if you condensed the whole thing into a few lines of english you could get the juice out of it. There is a poem here which is essentially about the dreadful dichotomy of letting love reignite in the same hearth...with every chance it will flicker for a while and then quietly extinguish when no one is looking...as it did before.
If this is veracity verse I am sorry not to be more sympathetic but for this reader....write something else.
Best,
tectak

I really appreciate the feed back. I know love is a sorely overused topic but what can I say, its just been on my mind lately. I'll try to look into writing about some other things that might help get rid of some of the cliches. On a side note about the punctuation, this was actually written on my phone so when ever I skipped down a line it added a period to the end of each fragment. I apologize for not noticing that, I guess I'm just used to ignoring it. I also really like the way you used Yoda to point out the flaw in my rhyme scheme, I actually thought about that exact example after I had written it but found I couldn't come up with anything better . I'm glad you found some humor in that lol.

[casper]

I can’t bear the thought of loving you again.

Swallowing what’s left of my pride and dignity.
I’ve got nothing left inside of me.
Worn out and tired of being thrown around.
I’m sick of living in this fucking town. You are not writing sentences. Just sticking a period after a group of words does not count

I can’t stand the thought of loving you again. This is the best line in the piece and it SHOULD be the central metaphor. You tell but do not show

Still trapped in my head, agonizing.
Life without you, terrifying.
Memories locked in my mind.
Answers lost, so hard to find.

I hate the thought of loving you.

Why do I do this to myself?
I can’t scream, can’t yell, or call out for help.
Alone with my thoughts, ill try again. ill(sic) pun
Burned my bridge, but lost a friend.

The thought of loving you. Isolated and disconnected but perhaps wistfully intended. More like this would work if you could join up the dots

It eats at me indefinitely.
In my dreams endlessly.
I am empty, you without.
Still pondering about.

Loving you

Hello and welcome.
This suffers from the desire to be poetic,as in "fucking town" (not relevant to the theme so used for dramatic intent). The rest is just full of cliches but don't despair, this is just how it all starts. You need to avoid all the "common" phrases you have heard before and avoid telling the reader how you feel...use language that SHOWS your thoughts; metaphors, similes, imagery. So get rid of:
I can't bear the thought
swallowing (what's left of) my pride
Nothing left inside
trapped in my head
life without you
locked in my mind
alone with my thoughts
burned my bridge

The last couplet appalling is and you probably agree.

I am empty, you without.
Still pondering about.

What about is this? You have Yoda'd yourself into a rhyme trap unnecessarily.

So, overall, it lacks newness both in concept and execution BUT if you condensed the whole thing into a few lines of english you could get the juice out of it. There is a poem here which is essentially about the dreadful dichotomy of letting love reignite in the same hearth...with every chance it will flicker for a while and then quietly extinguish when no one is looking...as it did before.
If this is veracity verse I am sorry not to be more sympathetic but for this reader....write something else.
Best,
tectak

I really appreciate the feed back. I know love is a sorely overused topic but what can I say, its just been on my mind lately. I'll try to look into writing about some other things that might help get rid of some of the cliches. On a side note about the punctuation, this was actually written on my phone so when ever I skipped down a line it added a period to the end of each fragment. I apologize for not noticing that, I guess I'm just used to ignoring it. I also really like the way you used Yoda to point out the flaw in my rhyme scheme, I actually thought about that exact example after I had written it but found I couldn't come up with anything better . I'm glad you found some humor in that lol.

Yes, love is a cliche; but you know what, I never get tired of reading about it. No matter what stage we are in our lives (after about the age of 5) we are always either missing a loved one we lost, dreaming about a new love, or in love! Let me tell you the words you wrote really spoke to me and the way you expressed it painted a very vivid picture - I knew exactly the kind of feeling you were talking about. I'm sure there are a lot more experienced poets around here to give you feedback on your actual structure but I wanted to let you know I thought it was beautiful!

[Erthona]

This, a bad country song is,
written by heartbroken twister kid,
poor boy he is, trapped inside his head
he is. "Fucking town."

Try not,on your phone,
writing poetry.
Phone is non-poetic,
too tiny
unless haiku you write on hinny.

I have read this poem at least one hundred times, if not more (I'm just being conservative). OK, now you have written one too, so go write your butterfly poem next (everybody writes a butterfly poem -even if they lie about it).

Tom (tectac) has already given you the hard stuff, so no point in repeating him.

"Yes, love is a cliche" No, just bad love poetry.

Best,

Dale

By the by, forgot to ask, is this a Minnie Ripperton song or do you just need to change the title?

Loving You

Loving you
Is easy because you're beautiful....
Making love with you
Is all I want to do....
Loving you
Is more than just a dream come true....
And everything that I do
Is out of loving you....

No one else can make me feel
The colors that you bring....
Stay with me while we grow old....
And we will live each day in spring time....

Because loving you....
Has made my life so beautiful....
And every day of my life
Is filled with loving you....
Loving you....
I see your soul come shining through....
And everytime that we....
Oh I'm more in love with you....

Sung by Minnie Riperton, or Squeaky as her friends call her.