Daisies on a Hill

[Bianca Alabaster]

Daisies splash the hillside
their smiling white
and yellow faces -
a random act of kindness.

Grace spilling out
among the bunchgrass

Daisies dot the side
of the highway
waving in the wind,
offering peace for
the mind

Friday, Saturday,
Sunday, Monday -
have come and gone
Not unlike a harsh
recoil of a shotgun

I’m afraid Lord!
Grandma has had
a heart attack every day,
and last night
I awoke at 3:30 am
just after her last one.

I’m afraid for her Lord.
You hold the number
of her days in Your hand.
Please keep her heart
beating.

Let her see the bouquet
of daisies that I’ll
bring her tomorrow
and the tomorrow
ever after!

You made the daisies
and the green hillside.
You made me
and my beloved
Grandma.
Smile on us
like the daisies
on the hillside.
© 6/22/2010 Bianca

[digna_sofia]

Again, lovely theme imagery, but it somehow feels like two different poems. Perhaps if you rearrange it a bit - begin with grandma, then the daisies, then the bouquet of daisies? - it'll feel more cohesive. Not necessarily in that order, but I do believe that rearranging the poem would make grandma's introduction less jarring.

(Alternately, you can turn this into a cycle poem again; your flow of imagery in this poem may be best expressed in cycle poetry).

[billy]

i like this.

for me it would flow a little better if these three verse started off the poem;

Friday, Saturday,
Sunday, Monday -
have come and gone
Not unlike a harsh
recoil of a shotgun

I’m afraid Lord!
Grandma has had
a heart attack every day,
and last night
I awoke at 3:30 am
just after her last one.

I’m afraid for her Lord.
You hold the number
of her days in Your hand.
Please keep her heart
beating.

which in itself feels like a very poignant poem.
wouldn't alter anything else because i enjoyed the read

[Bianca Alabaster]

thank you guys for your advice. I guess it seems a little disjointed or not smoothe but I don't agree that it should start with Grandma. The daisies have been in my head for days, a symbol of peace and hope and having a positive attitude, as well as great imagery. I wanted the poem to have a shock, abruptness or sudden jarring; that is why I used the word and stanza, "recoil like a shotgun" because all of a sudden the heart attacks became a sinister enemy after my grandma. they weren't smoothe for my family or my psyche so I didn't want them smoothe in the poem. And bringing her the daisies could be literal but it was symbolic of bringing her the hope and desire to live. She is 93. It may seem better that it should be two poems, but it was never that in my mind - quite the opposite I had conflicting thoughts of peace and pain comingled. Guess I didn't do a good job with the pen. Appreciate your comments.

[billy]

no probs.



at the end of the day it's your poem.
the feedback is just that. no poet needs to give
a reason why they chose to do it a certain way.
one of the reasons for this, is that the feedback
has already been given and can't really be taken back

i think it's good that sometimes a poet is able to say (even to themselves)
mmm naw, i think i'll leave it as it is.

i know i followed some of the feedback i got (i actually liked the ideas)
did the edit and was aghast. i changed it back smartish.

all we give is feedback. it should be given without hope of any comment back but thank you
unless of course a question is asked, and even then the poet has no need to answer.

never think you did bad because of what others say.
only say it if you believe it to be so

the appreciate your comments comment at the end was perfect.
i think all too many sites feel the need to ram critique and feedback till it makes the poet bleed lmao.
i'm glad that doesn't happen here.

sorry for being off topic tee hee

[addy]

I do admit that I felt a little jarred by the change in direction of the poem, but I could see how it was intentional... its exactly the feeling when tragedy hits your life. Maybe there's a way you can keep the emotional whiplash while still tying together the image more tightly.

That said, I agree with the others. We're here to offer opinions, but you have full autonomy over your work

[Bianca Alabaster]

thanks, you folks are wonderful, really . Grandma is OK by the way but if you pray, keep praying, thanks