Untitled

[addy]

Maybe someone can help me give it a title?


His skin is her horizon
Like tea leaves
Like destiny;
Veins wild rivers
Mapping his hearts sea

Her spirit is foam.
Brisk, she leans in and
Tastes adventure


Thanks for feedback

[billy]

Maybe someone can help me give it a title?


His skin is her horizon
Like tea leaves
Like destiny;
Veins wild rivers
Mapping his hearts sea

Her spirit is foam.
Brisk, she leans in and
Tastes adventure


Thanks for feedback

for me a comma in vein ' s or one after it veins, or veins on it's own line

veins
wild rivers would make it flow a little better.
love L1,2, of the second stanza. L3 feels too soft. (carries no weight)
could she taste something else. his sand. my words no need to use them (i'm sure you could chose another or leave completely alone. nicely written. jmo

as for the title....it's your poem you think of it

[Touchstone]

It's a comma that's needed: Veins, wild rivers

Or possibly, a question mark: Veins? Wild rivers

Or even a colon (though I don't think colons are very poetic) : Veins: wild rivers

Vein's would be incorrect--it's a plural noun not a possessive. But the missing punctuation means you scan it as possessive--you assume the wild rivers are attributes of the veins, then have to correct your misunderstanding which interrupts the flow.

It's a single metaphor so splitting it across lines wouldn't be appropriate.

As for a title? I've no idea. I'm a technician not a poet.

[billy]

sorry addy, touchstone;

I shouldn't be posting this but i'd like to use it as an example that
a person can comment on a poem even if they profess not to know poetry.
Poets can be helped in many ways. It's also okay to get things wrong in a comment. I wasn't sure because my grammar isn't the greatest, so i gave more than one option.
We only have to say what works for us and often someone will say what works for them. so don't be shy if you think you can't make a comment on a poem.

just say what you feel. others can fine tune it in their comment to the poet.

[addy]

Thanks Billy. Thanks Touchstone . Very much appreciated.

I have trouble getting words to flow right, and my grammar and line breaks are normally pretty shit. It really helps to get someone's perspective on where it "trips" or doesn't work. That simple comma will improve it vastly.

Heh, still don't have a title. Oh well. I'm thinking I even want to expand the poem first, actually. I dunno it feels... sparse. Like maybe there's more to the story than what's there at the moment.

Again, big thanks.