The Point Man

[Demeanor]

Yeah, so this is the first time I've released a poem to the public. So, give me some constructive criticism. I'm not a poet, by any means - I'm certainly not looking to quit my day-job.


"The Point Man"

I've been ahead of my squad
For so many years.
While others applaud,
I was the first to shed tears.
While others were awed,
I was the first to shed fears.
Despite rampant fraud,
I protected my peers.

With bright shiny eyes
And love in my chest
I often surmise.
I seldom invest.
Despite my heart's cries
My brain will attest
When true love applies,
It is love I professed.

I was the first to be married;
The first for divorce.
It was my friends that I carried -
It was my duty, of course.
It was my hatred I buried,
It is love I enforce.
It was selfishness I wearied,
With zero remorse.

On point, in the front -
It sets me apart.
I bear the most brunt.
I learn to outsmart.
I often confront
With all of my heart.
I occasionally grunt
When life becomes tart.

When love gives goodbyes
I'll be at my best.
When happiness dies,
I'll feel unstressed.
When life bring reprise,
I won't feel oppressed.
It's the plans you devise
Which gives me unrest.

So let's go to war
With jolly and glee.
What the hell for?
Beats the hell out of me.
You want to explore
How hard life can be?
To me you implore
To give you that key?

Hardship brings strength -
Which you do not deserve.
To any length
So strength I'll reserve.

Stay worthless and weak.
Stay hopeless and bleak.
You keep your technique,
You magnificent freak.

[billy]

thanks for putting up your poem demeanor.

it's a little telly in that you tell the poem instead of giving us an image to interpret. but this is the mild critique forum so i think it best to take it a bit at a time. i left a remark about internal rhythm in the body of the poem.
a few of the verses suffer the same fate of not being just right. rhyming verse needs to be spot on with an end rhyme and this is certainly a success in that department, but it also needs to flow without feeling jagged, or jumpy. for this we need to take care of the internal rhyme, the rhythm. by just removing a few small words that can be classed as packaging, maybe changing a word here or there. i tried to see if it one of the verses could flow a little better. it's up to you as the poet to think, "that works for me" and attempt to see if the rest of the poem can be treated the same way. or think "that doesn't work for me" and discard what was said. the choice of taking or using advice is always yours. i think you have a good poem in what you've written. it's needs tightening up and a bit of imagery (don't bother with the imagery just yet though) try and work on the internals. jmo

a sincere thanks for posting here.

Yeah, so this is the first time I've released a poem to the public. So, give me some constructive criticism. I'm not a poet, by any means - I'm certainly not looking to quit my day-job.


"The Point Man"

I've been ahead of my squad
For so many years.
While others applaud,
I was the first to shed tears.
While others were awed,
I was the first to shed fears.
Despite rampant fraud,
I protected my peers.

With bright shiny eyes
And love in my chest
I often surmise.
I seldom invest.
Despite my heart's cries
My brain will attest
When true love applies,
It is love I professed.

I was the first to be married;
The first for divorce.
It was my friends that I carried -
It was my duty, of course.
It was my hatred I buried,
It is love I enforce.
It was selfishness I wearied,
With zero remorse.

the internal rhythm (how it flows) in this verse feels out off kilter. is "the" in L1, "my" in L3, "it was" in L4, it's easier for me if i write it as i mean it.
i' won't add anything to the verse,

i was first to be married
the first for divorce.
it was friends that i carried
was duty of course
hatred i buried
love i enforced
i was selfish, i wearied
with zero remorse.


On point, in the front -
It sets me apart.
I bear the most brunt.
I learn to outsmart.
I often confront
With all of my heart.
I occasionally grunt
When life becomes tart.

When love gives goodbyes
I'll be at my best.
When happiness dies,
I'll feel unstressed.
When life bring reprise,
I won't feel oppressed.
It's the plans you devise
Which gives me unrest.

So let's go to war
With jolly and glee.
What the hell for?
Beats the hell out of me.
You want to explore
How hard life can be?
To me you implore
To give you that key?

Hardship brings strength -
Which you do not deserve.
To any length
So strength I'll reserve.

Stay worthless and weak.
Stay hopeless and bleak.
You keep your technique,
You magnificent freak.

[addy]

First of all, thank you for that poem. You might not consider yourself a poet, but I do feel that you've written down something personal here, and I really appreciated it.

I spotted a few minor errors in spelling/grammar, like in verse 5 line 5

When love gives goodbyes
I'll be at my best.
When happiness dies,
I'll feel unstressed.
When life bring reprise,
I won't feel oppressed.
It's the plans you devise
Which gives me unrest.

Just add the 's' for "When life brings reprise"

And in stanza 6 line 2

So let's go to war
With jolly and glee.

I think 'jolly' is used kind of incorrectly here; the only time I've found it used as a noun is if you say 'jollies' rather than 'jolly' and I doubt that's the sense you want. I know replacing it with the correct noun form, 'joy', would wreck your internal rhythm, so you can try and replace it with another synonym, such as 'gladness'.

Hope this helps

[Demeanor]

Thanks guys. I sorta felt the same way, but I didn't quite know what to do as far as a direction to go in order to improve it. For me, this felt more like a "free writing" exercise.

[billy]

when i started the poetry, i was pretty much the same way
for some reason i began to enjoy it and wanted to learn how to do it
as well as i could (which isn't very well lol) anyway, i found that the best way was to put it up and get feedback. like anything if it's worth doing it's worth doing as well as we can do it. another way to learn is to read poetry.
the older stuff for form, the new stuff for style and the all stuff for content.
i hope we see more of you writing here demeanor.

[addy]

Another technique is to leave it for a while and not look at it. Days, weeks, however long it takes for you to get your mind off it and detach yourself a little. That way you can reread the poem with fresh eyes, and you can more objectively judge where it works for you, and where it can be improved. A poem is rarely perfect the first time its written